Holy Crap. Seriously! I've seen it.

What do you get when you mix Red Bull and the world's oldest monotheistic religious tradition? Give up? Kabbalah Energy Drink. I saw it today in a drugstore in New York. I don't believe any further commentary is necessary.

Speaking of New York, it was snowing here this morning. My first snow of the season. Lovely. Coming in a close second to lovely? Cold. Not cold enough to accumulate, though, which is good because I leave for Israel in the morning and I don't want trouble getting to the airport or taking off. I just want to get to the Holy Land, a land which flows with milk and honey, but not - I'm willing to bet - Kabbalah Energy Drink.

This will likely be my final post of 2005. It has been quite a year! The birth of a stand-up comedy "career," a new Pope, plenty of great quotes from the President, tragic storms with moving aftermath, a fantastic season by the Texas Longhorn football team (the baseball team also won the College World Series - worth mentioning!) that will continue and, hopefully, end with a championship on January 4th, fun, friends, lasting memories, and treasured readers of the Ziggybackride. To you, I say thank you and happy new year! Join me again when I return from Israel for what promises to be our best year yet.

Apples and Honey

Once again, I find myself writing to you from the C Concourse of Memphis International Airport. I am sitting, enjoying the public safety announcements (I aspire to be the airport announcement voice one day, now that TEX – the Telephone Enrollment eXchange of The University of Texas at Austin – no longer exists), waiting for my flight to the Big Apple, where I will be for the next several days until I leave for the Land of Milk and Honey (Israel). I’m sorry it has been so long, but I have been busy with trip preparations, holiday celebrations, and magical incantations. Okay, the last one’s not true, but I felt a third rhyming member of the list was called for.

I hope your Christmas/Hannukah/Kwaanza/lack of holiday is/was great/non-existant. How’s that for holiday greetings! Of course those who have been boycotting and protesting retailers that do not use the word “Christmas” enough would not approve. I don’t get that. I understand that religious people want their holiday to be as meaningful as possible, but is granting that wish really up to Wal-Mart? Is Target America’s new church? If so, I think the “old” churches will be rather shocked and dismayed to hear it!

In my mind, those who hold America’s retailers responsible for the holiness of Christmas are very much like those supporters of Israel who seem to be holding Steven Spielberg and his new movie, Munich, completely responsible for Israel’s national well-being and the way it is viewed by the world. I saw the movie. It is good and (not sure if I mentioned this) it is a movie. I love Israel and can’t wait to get there, but if it is depending on Hollywood to serve as its Department of State, something has gone terribly awry.

Okay, I think that’s it from here. I’m going back to the public safety announcements (that guy is so cool!), but I think I’m going to skip the early morning barbecue that I’ve enjoyed here before long trips in the past. All the more reason I shall be excited to return.

Horns vs. Holy Land (or Roses vs. Moses, if you prefer)

I'm going to Israel. For free!

That's great, right? Yes, it is great. HOWEVER...

It means I'll be there when my beloved Texas Longhorns play for the football national championship in the Rose Bowl. (Those who are not football fans can stop reading here. You will not respect the dilemma that is explained below.) When I got the invitation to staff this Israel tour for college students I was excited, but when they told me the dates of it, I was hesitant, as it would mean missing the Rose Bowl, a game about which I have dreamed for a long time. As I considered the options, though, a free pilgrimage to the Holy Land was surely the obvious choice (plus I was assured by friends who'd made similar trips that I could catch the game in the middle of the night on ESPN Europe over there) so I accepted.

The only problem would be if, somehow, my trip wasn't in a city where I could easily get to a tv in the middle of the night on the day of the game. I just got my itinerary. 7 of the 9 nights of the trip will be spent in hotels in and around Jerusalem and Tel Aviv- major cities for those unfamiliar with Israel - so it's looking good. So, where will I be the night of January 4th, the night the Texas Longhorns battle for their desired and deserved place in college football history? Spending the night in... wait, what's this? A Bedouin camp near the desert town of Arad? Oh, my dear Lord. I'm no expert on Bedouin camps, but... NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I've got to go figure out how to see this game. Good bye and good luck, and, of course, Hook 'em!

Bombs Away!

It happened. Ohhhh, did it happen!

I just got home from a comedy performance at the South Street Comedy Club in Jackson, TN. Actually, I just got home from watching a video of my performance earlier in the night at a fellow comedian's house before calling it a night. I can't possibly call it a night too soon.

When conversation turns to my stand-up comedy, people always ask me if I've ever bombed and, while I've certainly given some performances that have been worse than others, I've always been able to honestly answer "no." That, my friends, is no longer the case! Tonight, I bombed, and I did so in grand fashion. There was actual silence after jokes in a very full club (maybe 150 ppl). It was a sad, yet hilarious experience that actually had me wondering afterward whether I had, at any point during my set, been speaking a language other than English, which would have been a fine explanation for the lack of response to a great many things - which regularly elicit hearty laughs - that I said.

Why, oh why did you bomb, Michael? Bad audience? No. They were great. They laughed their asses off the rest of the night. Bad jokes? I don't think so. They have all gone over very successfully at other clubs on other nights. So? I really don't know, but as I mentioned, I just watched the video (which indicated quite clearly that I spoke only English the whole time) and it's failure in its most splendid form. It will make a fine story when I'm famous. Oh, and it will make a fine story tomorrow, too.

In other, related news, my friends who performed were great tonight! It was really fun to watch. Have a good night!

It Burns, Burns, Burns!

It occurs to me that I never reported on Walk The Line and, more specifically, whether I could be seen in it. The short answer is "no." The long answer is "yes, sort of, if you know what you're looking for and exactly when to look for it, assuming you count your silhouette as an appearance."

The moment in which you might have been able to see my face (and my hands pouring Schlitz malt liquor into it) didn't pan out. More specifically, the cameral panned down. It's as though I never sat backstage and pretended to be a roadie drinking a beer several times over on a cool Memphis night. But we know better, don't we?

In the scene that was more exciting to film, but less likely to show me, you can see my form come into the picture and block Reese Witherspoon's form. Here's the roadmap...

One hour and eleven minutes after the words "Walk The Line" appear on screen at the beginning of the movie, Witherspoon's character finishes singing a song on stage and says something like this: "I'm glad you liked that. That was my mama's favorite song, too. Alright now everybody, sit down, squat down, or lie down, just make sure you get comfortable because here is the one and only Johnny Cash!" At that moment, the camera shot we see is from the back of the stage as Johnny walks out. At the same time, June walks away from the mic to the right and a shadowy figure moves in from the right blocking her. That's me taking her autoharp and finger picks from her! I would say I'm more of a supporting actor.

I wouldn't go see it just for my big scene (I'll happily reenact it for you in person), but it is a very good movie and I recommend it.

A Study in Productivity

In an earlier post, entitled "Retirement, Glorious Retirement," I celebrated the laziness that can accompany a lack of daily sturcture and routine. No longer! Today, I have accomplished a great deal, and it's only 11 a.m. So far, I have rolled $20 in quarters to be deposited. That brings my total over the last three days to $50. That change really adds up! I have also loaded the theme song from Super Mario Brothers - as well as a shorter, hip-hoppier remix of the same - onto my iPod. Those are two of many tracks I loaded, but I think we can all agree that, no matter what those other songs are, they are - in the company of Nintendo's greatest hits - of little consequence. Lest you think my astounding productivity ends there, I have also answered an email, instant messaged with a friend, drunk coffee (not one, but two cups) and I still have plans to shower! It's ambitious, I know, but reaching for the stars is a great way to be sure we won't end up with a handful of dirt. Remember that.

In other news, a hearty thank you and congratulations to Julie, a regular reader and commenter, who was visitor number 4000. I have promised her lunch. We'll see if that happens. Lordy knows, it'll have to be another day (see today's to-do list above).

Thank You. Thank You Very Much.

It has been far too long, my friends, and for that, I begin this day of giving thanks by apologizing. Not because I think you have necessarily missed having entertaining and informative posts to read (though perhaps you have), but because I have missed assuming that you are out there reading. I have also missed the spam comments, ridiculously poorly disguised as friendly comments, on each of the posts. So that brings us to Thanksgiving...

I am thankful for everyone who visits (we're almost at 4000! Who will the lucky visitor be? As always, use the comment feature to let me know if it's you so I can promise you a gift or prize that I may or may not deliver on.) and shares in our special ride. I'm even thankful for the spammers. It's good to know they're out there - reading, commenting, selling children's rash guards - whatever those are - and the like. What would the world be like without the spammers? (Don't answer that. This is a day to be nice.)

I have much to report once the holiday has passed. From a trip to New Orleans to my first viewing of Walk The Line, and the start of my fourth season as coach of the mighty Temple Israel Runnin' Rabbis basketball team to reading Al Franken's book, Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them, there is much for us to discuss. For now, though, enjoy the day. Take time to recognize the blessings, too many to count, that are a part of your life and be thankful for them. Remember, too, that thanksgiving makes a great everyday activity, so this day, prepare yourself for a lifetime of gratitude, for that is the attitude of the happy and the content. Also, eat a turkey.

I hope this day finds you near those who are most important to you. If not, then as the classic song says, "If you can't be with the one you love... read Ziggybackride and check back often."

Catch a Rising Star!

I just saw myself on E! Entertainment Television! I'm watching their show "Behind The Scenes" about the movie "Walk The Line" starring Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon. The movie is due in theaters next week and I did some work as an extra on one overnight concert shoot in the summer of 2004. I've been so excited for the movie to come out - partly because I think it'll be good, but mostly because I want to see if I'm in it. If I am, it will be for a split second or it might just be part of me. No telling. But they were just showing a clip from the scene we filmed in which I was a roadie on stage and I just saw my back as I took an instrument from Reese Witherspoon. Awesome! I mean, if you didn't already know it was me, there's no way to tell, but the thing is, I know! I don't know if that was a shot that's in the film or not. We'll see.

Remember, see the movie and look for the bearded guy in the ultra-tight burnt orange shirt and yellow plaid pants!

Eye Patch Shortage?

In the last couple of days, there was a pirate attack on an American-based cruise ship near the Seychelles. A pirate attack. A pirate attack?!?

Here is a link to the story...
http://articles.news.aol.com/news/article.adp?id=20051105072209990008&ncid=NWS00010000000001

I guess I just never thought that I would get news of pirate-related goings-on... over the internet. One of those things is definitely happening in the wrong century. In the news article (I hope that link works. I'm not very proficient with these things.) there are pictures of the so-called pirates. It's a few guys in a little boat with machine guns and grenade launchers, not a puffy shirt or eye patch in sight! No Jolly Roger (that's the skull-and-crossbones flag), no parrot, and no plank, as far as I can tell. Not a hook on a single hand. Aren't we throwing the term pirate around a little loosely? I believe the correct term is terrorists. Or possibly jackasses. Or both. But let's not get crazy here.

Watch yourselves on the seas, me mateys. They're out there and they mean business.

Hi. I'm in Michigan.

Okay, that one’s not in the movie, but it’s a true statement (and also – I promise – the last Wayne’s World reference for a while). I am writing from the waiting area at Detroit’s Gate A57, awaiting my flight home. Before the ziggybackride takes us back into Memphis, let’s have the final “by the numbers” on the trip now ending.

20 days out of town, during which I stayed in
6 different places and slept in/on
3 beds, for
5 nights,
2 air mattresses, for
6 nights, and
2 couches, for
8 nights (and I think
1 subway car, but that was more of a nap). I took
2 Amtrak trains, visited
4 boroughs of the New York City, ate
2 falafel sandwiches (Chickpea was better than Mahmoun’s), and
7 slices of pizza. As for comedy, the final tally includes
13 performances in
9 clubs and
2 homes, for an estimated total of
84 performance minutes. Last night, I ate
2 dinners with
1 friend because we are
stupid. Then I saw another friend before taking
3 trains back to the apartment in which I was staying. The
2 dinners were coming back to haunt me at that point, and
forever was how long the journey home felt! Northwest flight
285 boards in about
1 hour, and I expect to be in Memphis at approximately
4:04 this afternoon. Being home will make me
1 happy guy!

It has been fun! I’m going to put on my blue suede shoes before I board the plane.

Hi. I'm in Delaware.

Man, this trip really is covering that scene from Wayne’s World! Unfortunately, I do not expect to make it to Hawaii in the next two days. I was, indeed, in Delaware earlier today on my return train trip from D.C. to New York. It was lovely.

I also passed through Trenton, N.J., where I found out –from painfully large lettering displayed on a bridge as we passed into town – that “Trenton Makes And The World Takes.” Does it sound to anyone else as though maybe Trenton has a little bit of a chip on its shoulder? I mean, I assume the world pays for whatever it is taking out of Trenton. Or do other countries sneak in under cover of darkness to pilfer the Trenton-made goods that are in such high demand the world over? Why not just make the sign read, “Thanks A Lot! Ya Screwed Us Again!”

In other news, the D.C. weekend was great! I got to see a lot of friends and we can now add Ethan’s Parlor, as well as Julius & Mandy’s Comedy Basement, to my list of clubs. Those are actually the homes of friends where I ended up doing “shows” for other friends over the weekend. It was a little weird, but I’ve performed for smaller audiences before. Plus, these guys were laughing when I said “hi,” so I knew they’d be easy!

The marathon was a lot of fun. It was a beautiful day and our friends were awesome. We got to see them 5 or 6 times along the course, and I spent the day with a huge mylar ghost balloon, which we carried so that our runners could identify us along the route. I even took my ghastly friend aboard the Metro. That was embarrassing. As for the marathon, itself, I stand by my assessment of the activity from the last post, but I will say that it was terrifically impressive to watch the runners fight their way through the long race. It was a great reminder of how strong we can be when we wish to be. It was also striking to see the number of people who were there cheering and the intense effect they seemed to have on the runners. The power of encouragement and the infectiousness of enthusiasm were on full display. It was cool. So cool, in fact, that now I am even thinking of never running a marathon.

Happy Halloween!

Good Morning, America, How Are You?

Just fine! I’m writing from aboard Amtrak’s Regional service between New York’s Penn Station and Union Station in our nation’s capital. I’m enjoying the grandeur of travel by rail… through Jersey. Awesome!

This represents a break in Michael Danziger’s “Bluff City to the Big City” New York City Stand-Up Comedy Extravaganza 2005 (or the MDBCBCNYCSUCE’05, for short), which has been great since last I wrote. My last 4 performances – which bring the total to 11 – have been before sizeable audiences and have been a lot of fun. My sets have been very well-received, swelling my ego in ways never before imagined. Just kidding about the ego, but I had almost forgotten how much fun it is to perform for real people, as opposed to roomsful of comedians.

Speaking of real people, now’s a great time for a very special thanks to the family, friends, and friends-of-friends who made it to one show or another. It was exceedingly nice of them/you to make time to come out and support/judge me, sometimes at significant expense.

So here’s the list of clubs at which I’ve performed: The Village Lantern, The Bowery Poetry Club, Sal’s Comedy Hole (probably my favorite name), Comedy Cellar, New York Comedy Club (3 times), The Duplex, Laugh Lounge NY, Stand Up New York, and Gotham Comedy Club. We’ll see about adding one or two more next week before I return home.

Finally, I am on the way to D.C. to cheer on two friends who are running the Marine Corps Marathon there tomorrow. I’m proud of them and know they will do well. I do have to wonder about the increasingly large number of friends, family, and acquaintances that have chosen to run marathons in recent years. It’s hard for me to believe that I have enough in common with these people to maintain our relationships! Why would anyone run a marathon? It’s healthy to be able to run 26 miles, but I’m absolutely certain that it’s not healthy to actually do it. The name marathon comes from the Battle of Marathon, which happened back in the days of yore. You know. Back in umm… yore. At the conclusion of the battle, a messenger ran to spread the news of victory, crying “Nike! Nike!” which may or may not mean victory. His legendary run is the namesake of the modern races. The part of the story I think we are a wee bit too quick to forget is that, according to the lore (That’s yore and lore in one paragraph, for those keeping lore/yore score at home.) the messenger, after having successfully delivered his message (i.e. run his marathon), dropped dead.

Yeah, I gotta get out and run me one of these!

Seen in the City

First, by the numbers, continued...

6 is the number of people present when I performed
6 more minutes of comedy at my
6th club in New York. I was
1 of the
6. Tonight will see clubs
7 and
8, and there should be
more people at
both. I don't see how there could be
fewer.

The other day, I walked through Washington Square Park in the NYU area. I saw the guys who are always out there playing chess (If you've seen Searching for Bobby Fischer, you know what I'm talking about). That was cool. Even cooler? When I walked through, they were being treated to an incredibly disturbing outburst by a woman who was either... 1) the worst street performer of all time, or 2) the best crazy lady ever. I didn't get to stick around and see if there was an end, followed by applause - which would have meant scenario 1, or, well, an end followed by applause - which probably would have meant scenario 2. Hmmm.

Sunday, as I was wandering the streets during a couple hours of homelessness before the friend with whom I'm currently staying returned to the city, I visited the famous New York public library, where I saw the famous lion statues out front, as well as many interesting exhibits (though I never actually found the books) inside. That was cool. Even cooler? I saw a group of French students and their teacher oohing and ahhing over a dead cockroach on the front steps of the building. They noticed how entertained I was and I falsely explained that we, too, "get very excited to see them." They explained that they had been studying them. The lesson? School in France must suck.

East Side Story

My New York trip so far, by the numbers....

5 comedy performances, totalling
29.5 minutes on
5 stages at
5 clubs, with a break to serve as
1 emergency chaperone on
1 confirmation class trip from Memphis, TN when
1 of the original chaperones had to go home on Flight #
678 (I made that up, but was tired of typing just 1's and 5's), leaving
17 kids, including
3 Israeli teens with
not enough leaders. We went to
3 synagogues and I saw Fiddler on the Roof on Broadway for the
2nd time. It starred Harvey Fierstein as Tevye. He was
bad (not a number, but true), but the show was good.
2 years ago, I saw him as the mother in Hairspray. Better.
4 is the train I will take in
45 minutes to get to my
6th comedy appearance, so I better finish up in the next
10 minutes or so, so I can prepare for tonight's comedy marathon.
24 is the # of comedians that performed in the
1st show I did here. There were
0 other audience members present. That is not unusual.

It's going great! More later!

Start Spreadin' It

“Hey! I’m in New York! I’ve got a gun! Let’s go see a Broadway show!”

I am, indeed, in New York and I find myself tempted to repeat that line from Wayne’s World over and over again. Out loud, I mean, because it’s definitely happening in my head! I’ve been here several times before, mind you, but it’s a special place and it does always bring to mind many t.v. and movie favorites that are set here.

Today, in my travels around the city (walking and riding the subway all over to get better acquainted with the loudest place on earth) I walked by the Soup Nazi place from Seinfeld. I believe he calls himself The Soup Man. Less funny, but probably also less insulting. Right next door, I found the headquarters for Kenny Kramer’s Reality Tour. Kenny is the real-life Kramer upon whom the Kramer we all know and love was partially based. Deep down, I know that this is not a t.v. show, but real life, but I couldn’t help chuckling. I look forward to visiting the famous Waldorf-Astoria hotel at some later point and reliving favorite moments from Coming To America and other fine movies set there.

I have also seen the latest fashion trends out and about in the city today and, ladies, here’s what’s coming… Crazy styles of tall, tight boots that you’ll be tucking your jeans into when you want to look like the fashionable women of NYC. If you are worried that the designers spent too much time making them look outlandish, don’t. They also took care to make them look as uncomfortable as possible. You’ll love them! Be on the lookout.

The rest of the city seems to be fumbling about with their iPod headphones all day. I didn’t use mine today – wanted to look like a tourist.

Comedy starts tonight, baby! I’ll be at two open mics – one at The Village Lantern in… that’s right, the Village, and then at the Bowery Poetry Club, where I believe the mic is open to all sorts of nonsense besides comedy. Should be fun. New York, get ready to laugh!

I Love the Smell of Memphis in the Morning!

It is 8:35 a.m. I just finished a bar-b-q sandwich.

I should probably just end the post right there, and it would be one of my finest. I think we all know, however, that I will do no such thing. My best work is obviously yet to come!

I’m sitting in the Memphis airport (I’ve written from here before, but this time I’m in the B concourse, so it’s all different), waiting to depart for what I’m sure will be an epic Mid-Atlantic journey. First stop – Saratoga Springs, NY, for the wedding of a good friend and former co-worker (They are the same person. They’re getting married to someone else.) My plane doesn’t go all the way to Saratoga Springs, though. I get off in Albany. Then I’ll just walk or something.

Sunday, I will leave the wedding-hosting hamlet for the big city. New York City. (I know, I know. New York City?!? Get a rope. Just a little shout out to all the Pace Picante Sauce fans out there. And I know you’re out there.) “Why NYC?” you may ask. “Good question,” I may reply. “Thanks,” you’d certainly add, being the gracious soul that you are. “You’re wel-

Sorry. Got a little off track there. I’m going to New York to do comedy. The Big Apple is going to laugh its big a$# off, assuming, that is, that I actually get to perform there! Just kidding. I will perform. I will be good. I will keep you posted.

I’m looking forward to seeing many friends, both at the wedding and in the city. I also can’t wait to do some exploring in the world’s most famous city. When it’s over, though, I know I won’t be able to wait to return to my hometown. My charming community. My great climate. My potable tap water. My morning bar-b-q. My Memphis!

Can You Ever Forgive Me?

In a few hours, we usher in Yom Kippur, Judaism's day of atonement - a day that finds us asking for and granting forgivness, and that ends, if all is well, with renewed hope for a year of renewed life and goodness. With "the Yom" fast approaching, I'm offering up some Jewish wisdom that'll work for anyone...

"To say that God forgives us for our misdeeds is not a statement about God's emotional generosity. It is a statement about us. To feel forgiven is to feel free to step into the future uncontaminated by the mistakes of the past, encouraged by the knowledge that we can grow and change and need not repeat the same mistakes again."
-Rabbi Harold Kushner

We'll get back to the funny stuff after the holiday.

Okay, I'm off. Time to not eat.

Without a Car in the World

The last several hours went something like this....

10:45 p.m. - returned home from a fun and successful comedy performance
11:oo - decided to go the grocery store to get some fruit and a few other things; drove to a Kroger store a few miles from my house
11:30ish - checked out with 5 items
11:32 - pulled out of my parking space, noticing immediately that something was amiss
11:32 and 11 seconds - realized front passenger tire was completely flat
11:43 - after discovering that I was missing a needed tool to change the tire myself, called AAA. They took my info and informed me that someone would be out in about an hour. I took my new ice cream back inside the store and put it in a freezer near the checkout.
12:06 a.m. - Call my friend Anna whose birthday is today. She's in Arizona where it's still yesterday, but in Memphis, it's her birthday. She understood.
12:43 - no sign of help. I call AAA back. Just as I'm starting to talk, the truck pulls in. Amazing!
12:55 - Old tire in the trunk, spare tire on the car, I'm ready to go. I go inside and get my ice cream back.
12:58 - Pulled out of my 2nd parking space and, as I'm pulling out onto the street, feel that something is amiss, once again. I pull over to the right and get out. The spare tire is flat. It was not flat at 12:55.
1:00 - Called AAA and explained that I would be needing further assistance - a tow this time, as I had run plum out of tires. They informed me that someone would be out in about an hour. I took my ice cream back into the store and put it in the freezer.
2:00 - After an hour of wandering and kicking a rock around an increasingly quiet Kroger parking lot, as well as perusing RSVP, a local social scene magazine, to see who went to what party , I called AAA, hoping that the same magic would occur and a truck would pull in just as I began to talk. Not so fast my friend.
2:05 - I am on hold while they try to radio the wrecker driver and see why he has not rescued me.
2:10 - on hold
2:17 - on hold
2:22 - on hold
2:26 - AAA representative suggests that I let them call me back in a few minutes so we don't kill my cell phone. One of the night's smarter moments. I go back out into the deserted parking lot to look for my kicking rock. One of the night's dumber moments.
2:34 - AAA calls. They don't know what happened to the truck that was supposed to come. Another truck is coming. It'll be about 40 minutes. More wandering and loitering. I dozed for a second in the seat of a motorized shopping cart for the elderly and disabled.
3:09 - Truck arrives. Huzzah! Car is loaded up. I go back into the store to once again retrieve my ice cream.
3:31 - Truck pulls into my condo complex to drop me off. Driver recalls the time he was called to the complex (I have no idea in what capacity) by the police when neighbors of mine (whom I did not, and do not, know) were busted for a child pornography ring. Good times.
3:33 - I'm home at last and my car is on it's way to "the shop," which I will need to call in the morning to explain why my car is in its parking lot.
3:34 - I get a spoon.
3:35 - I open my ice cream and wake up the computer.
3:36 - I begin telling you of my adventures in East Memphis, and end by telling you that there's a Kroger right across the street from where I live. I drove to the other one so I could listen to a song in the car.

Good night!

Red River "Rockin' and Rollin' (and What Not")

Holy poop! Today's the day. The 100th meeting between the Texas Longhorns and the Oklahoma Sooners at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas. A huge day! If you aren't a football fan, or even a sports fan, it's time to change. This is huge and I can't wait!

As we speak (as I type) I am watching the television show that I have long enjoyed, but only recently come to recognize as my favorite of all shows - ESPN's College GameDay (built by the Home Depot). I love this show and can't wait to watch it every week. It tears me apart when I am invited to a bar or bat mitzvah during the football season because I will miss part of the show (and this one isn't too good later on tape or TiVo). I even like the commercials - my favorite being Under Armor's "We must protect this HOUSE!" series. I'm still waiting for it.

I believe we have found my mania. I am, otherwise, a mentally and emotionally well-balanced person with a talent for keeping proper perspective (of couse I think this about myself, but I'm pretty sure I'm right). A little bit of that, against my better judgement, goes out the window on Texas game days, when - as we've covered before and as many of you have questioned me about, rightly so - I take care to eat orange foods and drink orange drinks as part of my making sure I've done all I can to push my beloved Longhorns to victory. That's on any game day. This one, as a big rivalry game that is always in the national spotlight, is much bigger (read: I am much crazier). I am aware that, in the grand scheme of things, today's football game is of little consequence. Doesn't matter! I am so excited! I have been for days and I guarantee you that, win or lose, I'll be talking about the game with like-minded fans (and probably with people who don't care) until the two teams square off again next year.

Hook 'Em Horns and may you have a great day! Back to the cheddar and sour cream baked ruffles and Diet Rite tangerine soda.

525,600 Minutes

Friday was the 30th anniversary of the first day of humanity’s golden age (and the 9th anniversary of the first time I saw Tommy Boy – see last post), or as everyone else calls it, my birthday. It was a big day here in Ziggybackrideland. Okay, you got me. There’s no such place as Ziggybackrideland, but it was a big day. Okay?

I spent the morning working on a Habitat for Humanity house that is being coordinated by a kid I know on the occasion of his Bar Mitzvah. It was a gorgeous Memphis morning and a fun way to spend part of the day. I worked on the roof. (I would like to apologize now to the soon-to-be owners/inhabiters of the house for any leaks. I was assured that gaps would be filled in with tar during a later stage of roofing.) Later, there was dinner with the family, and then out to a new bar right near my house where I guess I almost got in a fight.

I was sitting, talking to a friend when I noticed (I could partly hear and could wholly lipread) a guy near me – a guy whom I do not know and to whom I have absolutely no connection - speaking ill of me. Then, of course, I had to glance back a couple of times to make sure I was right and that my increased age hadn’t brought with it an acute paranoia. Turns out I was right. He came over to the table and asked me quite indignantly, “Do you have a staring problem?” I indicated that I was not aware of one. Perturbed at my rebuff of his initial hypothesis, he irritably asked, “Are you talking about other people?” Again, I had to politely let him down as I let him know that, in fact, I was not. He then advised me to “Keep to myself,” adding a derisive term that starts with an 'f', ends with a 't', and has an 'aggo' in the middle and walked back to his friends, proud, I’m sure, of a job well done. He was quite the peace keeper. He did, however, check back several times to make sure that I did not eventually succumb to the much feared staring problem. It was very exciting. Next time, I will use my kara-tay (pronounced as Ross Geller would) and whip his sorry ass. No. No, I probably won’t.

In all seriousness, the birthday was a great chance to reflect on the year that has ended and gaze forward at the one now beginning. It’s like Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur - the approaching Jewish holidays that are all about renewal and introspection - had come early for me! I looked back at the joys and upsets, successes and failures, laughs, experiences, friends, changes, efforts, tragedies, surprises, romances, excitements, lessons…of the last year, and forward at all the hope for and uncertainty of the next one. It is truly amazing to take stock of the individual moments of life. I hope and trust that this new year will be just as full of them and that I will spend the year striving for perfect living. Not perfect in terms of wins and losses, successes and failures, or rights and wrongs, but perfect in the only way I believe we can achieve it – by living so that, upon looking back, we have no reason for regret. Good luck to all of us for a perfect year!

* The title of this post is borrowed from the famous song from the musical Rent, soon to hit the big screen as a motion picture event. I have seen Rent and I’m not embarrassed to admit, though it will shock some of you, that I did not like it. I felt absolutely no sympathy for the characters who, time after time, make stupid, harmful decisions and then are bummed when things don’t turn out well. They’re like, “Yes, we’re promiscuous and use drugs, but I don’t see why we should have AIDS and trouble finding jobs. I mean really!” No, I mean really.

** In answer to the “Whadja get?” question, I got an iPod. It’s really cool! Now I can take The University of Texas Longhorn Band with me any where I go! Jealous? That’s right, suckerz.

Heaven With Commercials

Mornin'! Just home from my Jewish men's basketball league game. Fun as always. Funny as always. But we're 3-0 and I expect nothing less than a championship. Stay tuned.

Speaking of stay tuned, I have been seeing commercials on AMC for their Movies With TV People marathon beginning this afternoon. The commercials, themselves, might be my favorite thing I've ever seen on television. Apparently, this marathon includes Fletch, Tommy Boy, and Blues Brothers - three of my all-time favorites, each of which I have easily seen scores of times. Here's the thing, though. I own all these movies. I have them on VHS or DVD* and can watch them anytime I want - sans commercials, nonetheless. I rarely do. However, now I see that they will be shown on TV and I find myself hoping I'll be home to watch them - with commercials, mind you**. There's just something about an announced showtime and the knowledge that others are watching at the same time that makes it more desirable to watch.

So now I ask a question that I believe we are all-too-often afraid to ask when we confound ourselves in life. Am I alone? Does this happen to others? Or am I alone in this cold, hard world as a man who watches the movies I love on someone else's terms when I have the ability and freedom to enjoy them at my own leisure (pronounced leh-zhure)?

* All of my movies are on VHS or DVD, but I'm seeing advertisements now for new movie releases on "UMD for PSP." What the hell is PSP?!? If I have to buy a new piece of equipment on which to play movies in the next 2 years, I will be... outraged. Absolutely outraged. (Okay, I'm sorry. Sorry I flew off the handle. Sorry you had to see me that way.)

** I don't have Tivo, so don't comment telling me to compromise by watching while they're on, but skip the commercials. I don't want to hear it.

A Brush With My Own "Fame"

Howdy!

Just stopping home for a moment between Saturday night activities. I was just at a nearby Borders bookstore listening to my friends' band play. As if knowing the band isn't cool enough, how about this? As I was listening, I noticed a man perusing a familiar looking book on a local interest display nearby. At closer glance, I realized he was reading Children of Israel: The Story of Temple Israel, a history of my synagogue's first 150 years. I'm in that book! I grew up there as the rabbi's kid and served as the youth director for the last five years. It was a very strange experience to see someone looking through a book that, first of all, I assume very few people look through and, second, you're in.

I wanted so badly to go over and tell him, "Hey! I'm in that book!" I really had to resist the temptation. For a rather large man, I guess I can be a very small person! Aside from the desire to point myself out in the book, I really wanted to know why he had chosen this book - out of the thousands and thousands of volumes available on the premises - to read. It can't be completely random.

Okay, that's it. That's my story. It's off to a late night pre-high holy days service at....? You guessed it! Temple Israel. Off to become a bigger man. Figuratively.

The Human Dichotomy

It seems to me that there are two kinds of people in the world. ("Hmmm," you must be thinking to yourself. "Into what two groups has Michael divided the members of the human race? What has he identified as the crucial criterion in determining the nature of a person? I'll bet it is something really interesting and thought-provoking." You are wrong.)

There are those who think that the Hummer is a vehicle that is cool and that somehow makes sense.

And there are those who can barely contain their disbelief at the idea that a company makes these and that people buy them as their cars.

I am not afraid to admit to you that I am a part of the 2nd group. It actually causes me a slight physical pain each time I see one as I try to decide whether to laugh at the tremendous vehicle, yell at its driver, or avoid the motorized behemoth because it is wider than the lane it's in. In the end, I usually settle on some combination of those that includes the avoidance option. That seems smart.

What kind of person are you? Don't hesitate to let us all know using the comment feature.
I am quite pleased by the recent flood (relatively, it's a flood, so back off!) of comments. And please don't think that it's not okay to say you're a member of the first group. For without that group, who would make the rest of us look smart?

Horns, Hoops, and Unfunny Hilarity

A hearty hello and happy Monday to you! It has been an eventful last few days, and I feel the need to make sure you are abreast of all the excitement in my life...

HORNS
Did you see the Texas Longhorns on Saturday night? Holy crap! For those who don't follow college football, the huge game of the week featured my beloved Longhorns playing at Ohio State. These two teams were both ranked in the top 5 in the country, both have hopes of playing for the national championship, both have superstar players, both have huge football histories. This was the first time they've played and it was before more than 105,000 very loud and excited fans.

It was a game for which the hype built steadily over a series of months since the matchup was announced and the game absolutely lived up to the hype, which is rare. It was so exciting! A back and forth battle with great defense on both sides and a few crucial moments that made all the difference.

I watched the game at home by myself. For those of you unaware of this, I never underestimate the role I may be playing in the game, even from a thousand miles away. On game day, I eat and drink orange things, just to make sure the color is not only on my body (clothes, not paint), but coursing through it, as well. To me, this makes a difference. With the Longhorn Band cd playing and the t.v. cranked up loud, I watched, paced, worried, and celebrated until the game was over. I was actually sweaty. From watching. My home is air conditioned.

Can't wait for the rest of the season. Hook 'em!

HOOPS
Yesterday, my new basketball season started. Always exciting - I love to play. This however, was the beginning of my first season in my Jewish Community Center's 30 and over league. I'm not quite 30, but apparently will be soon enough to qualify. I've been waiting for this for a long time (about 29 1/2 years). I think this is the league where I can really hit my stride. I considered, a few years ago, getting a fake i.d. that would get me into this league early. That's how excited I am.

First of all, let me just say that everything about these Jewish men's basketball leagues I play in is like a comedian's dream. The styles and levels of play, the seriousness of some of the players, etc. It's freaking hilarious.

Now, as for my debut, it did not disappoint. I have never shot like that in my life. I was hitting 3's. I was hitting 2's. Even a couple of 1's, which we call free throws in my country. I think I scored 24 points. I think there have been seasons in which I didn't score that many points. It's very exciting. Stay tuned to find out if I am really the Michael Jordan of the MJCC 30 and over men's basketball league. I'll certainly let you know.

UNFUNNY HILARITY
Later yesterday, I did stand-up at a kick-off-the-year barbeque at Hillel of Memphis, the Jewish student organization for college students in Memphis. I don't even know how to begin to describe this. First of all, I got there expecting college students, which makes sense, I think. But it was about half collegians and half older members of the community and even some seniors(not in college. I'm talking citizens)! What the deuce!

So, the time came to perform. No stage, no microphone. More of a living room setting. And they just stared. They were so quiet during the performance. It was like performing for statues. They were so polite and nice. They were listening and they seemed to like it, but only inside. I brought my friend Jeff, who is a very funny comedian in town, and he performed, too, and met with the same stone-faced group that I did. It probably should have been disheartening, but really it was far more hilarious. We were laughing so hard afterward. I guess they just weren't ready for stand-up in the middle of the afternoon, with their parents and grandparents, and their minds on the kosher hot dogs that were yet to come. It was strangely fun, though, and I sort of hope I get famous now just because I think I would enjoy talking about this on Leno one day. That's a good reason, right?

A Heart So Broken; A Heart So Full

Greetings. My apologies for the recent hiatus in my writing. None of the thoughts I would have shared with you have seemed necessary in the time since Hurricane Katrina hit. So I thought I would share some reflections and observations from my recent volunteer experiences and interactions with hurricane survivors.

I'm not a crier. Every once and a while at a bar mitzvah or wedding, but basically, I've rarely done it ever since the waterworks caused by Alex P. Keaton's departure for Wall Street on the show Family Ties. (That still gets me in reruns!) That's why the strength of my emotions these last days grabs my attention the way it does.

Volunteering at the Red Cross here, I have met so many families in need of help and healing. My heart has broken so many times over the last few days as I have observed the despair of evacuees and their battle with the barrage of unfairness the world has seemingly showered upon them. My heart has broken every time I have, in facilitating the relief process for the many, had to say no to a special request from an individual at a moment when he or she so badly needs to hear "yes" from someone.

While it sounds like it could be almost too much to handle, it is not. It is not because every time my heart breaks, it is quickly made whole again by the sight of volunteers doing all they can to help other people. My heart swells at the sight of those in despair exhibiting understanding with people and a process that are trying hard, but can't give them the immediate help they need and deserve. My heart fills when people love other people - reaching out, comforting, helping, reassuring - when they love despite hating the situation in which they find themselves.

What a mix of emotions! In the end, though, none of this is about how I feel. It's about human beings having what they need - food, shelter, security, a sense of purpose, and the love of others. It's about realizing the power we have to help, to understand, to be patient, to care, to build and to restore humanity's faith in goodness, and humanity's faith in humanity.

Finally, a hearty happy birthday to Karim! Karim is a brand-new 11 year old (he's not brand new, but the fact that he's 11 is, you see!) from New Orleans. I met him today at the Red Cross, where he was waiting in a long line for relief with his mother. I was very busy all day there, but I'm almost certain that the most important thing I did was create a birthday celebration for Karim in the midst of the relief-hungry crowd. I made a birthday card for him and got the people around his mother in line to sing to him when I brought him over. Kirstie Alley even brought over his cake! She was visiting to spread cheer(s). Got that? I just saw the birthday card on the tv news, which caught part of the celebration! Anyway, I think his mother was surprised anyone cared that it was his birthday, and I think the others who sang felt really good about celebrating life, even if just for a moment. Life is hard for every one of them, but it is not over. Turning from surviving to rebuilding to thriving will be a long, hard process, but it has begun.

Please help keep it going. Have a good night!

Fender Bender

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that I feel the need to discuss. I don't know if it will be funny to everyone, but I nearly threw up on myself laughing in the car. I was driving down the street in Memphis, behind a pick-up truck, and noticed it's one and only bumper sticker. The sticker read...

I Will Forgive Jane Fonda
When the Jews Forive Hitler

Just take a second to think about that.

Jane Fonda.

Jane Fonda?

Jane Fonda. And Hitler.

Of course! Like two peas in a pod, those two. Finally someone has put it all together! It is hard to imagine the nature of this guy's grudge against Jane Fonda. I mean, did he audition for the part in "9 to 5" that she ended up getting? Or was Ted Turner driving the truck? I don't know.

Or maybe he's just a big Hitler fan who's trying to motivate the Jews to finally forgive his hero. I'm Jewish. What am I supposed to do? Run back to the synagogue, yelling, " Hey everybody! Listen up! Jane's in trouble. And it's up to us to help her out. I know, I know. Hitler murdered 11 million people, but I think we can all agree, there's just no excuse for all those exerecise tapes! Who's with me?"

I'm sure that would go over big. I found further humor in the fact that this was his only bumper sticker. This isn't one of those people who just covers his car with every ridiculous thing he can find. He was waiting for that one perfect message and, finally, FINALLY, at long last, he found it. And he's showing the world and exposing Jane Fonda for the unthinkable monster she is.

p.s. - If anyone knows where I can get one of these stickers, please let me know. That is something I must surely possess.

Z2K

My fellow Ziggybackriders,

The visitor counter, which I check all too religiously and narcissistically, tells us that we are nearing the 2000 visitor milestone. While quality will always be more important to us (us being me) here at Ziggybackride than will quantity, it is exciting to see how far we’ve come.

I clearly recall a post not so very long ago celebrating our 100th visitor in which I wondered how long it would take to get to 150, 200, and even 1000. To be honest, it has gone quite a bit faster than I imagined. Maybe that’s because I’m a small thinker. Maybe it’s because I never really thought I’d keep up the writing. Maybe I had no faith that anyone else would ever know about it and that all of the visitors would be me, checking to see if anyone else had visited. Alas, my doubts have been defeated and the ride has continued in a most glorious fashion. Thank you!

Thanks to those who read regularly. Thanks to those who comment on posts (e.g. the anonymous person who questioned my intelligence over the matter of BTK, my friend Carey who answered the world’s BTK queries, and Zina who professed her love of yet another Longhorn alum playing professional sports. Yes Zina, I know who Huston Street is and I’m a big fan, though possibly not quite the fan you are!). Thanks to those who keep spreading the word, for no matter how many new people join the ride and read the posts, the amount of content here for you to enjoy will never diminish. In chemistry, that is called the Law of Conservation of Ziggybackride. For some of us, that may seem obscure, but it’s something the world’s top scientists have known for decades.

As always, I am anxious to know who the milestone visitor will be. If you check in and find that the visitor counter says 2000, you’re it! Let me know using the comment feature and great rewards will await you (though I think I may still owe Rachel a drink from 1000. Oops).

Again, I thank you for joining me on this exciting ride. Long may it continue!

Hollywood Tears Me A New One

Good afternoon, Ziggybackriders! First, allow me to apologize for the somewhat unrefined nature of this post's title. I auditioned for a movie today. The film is called Black Snake Moan. It will star Samuel L. Jackson, Christina Ricci, and Justin Timberlake and will be directed by Craig Brewer, Memphis native and director of Hustle and Flow. It was rough.

You might read that and think, "Oh, Michael must not have done well. That's too bad." No, that's not the case. It's just that the actual audition part of the audition didn't really happen. The waiting outside in 100 degree weather part, however, did. For several hours. Here's the way it went...

9:51 a.m. - I take several pictures of myself in my bathroom, using the mirror to see my camera's lcd screen. Those wishing to audition were asked to bring a snapshot and a pencil.
10:20 - I have gotten my three prints back from the Walgreens photo center. They're all pretty bad. I'm on my way to the audition.
10:45 - I arrived at the Pyramid - the uninhabited arena owned by the people of Memphis and Shelby County - for the audition, scheduled to begin at 11:00 a.m. I find a couple hundred people waiting in line. I am given a sheet on which to record a few facts about myself for the film makers. The sheet indicates that I am wannabe number 333. I begin the patient wait.
11:15 - the first batch (20 or so) of auditioners is taken into the Pyramid. The line moves forward a little bit. At this moment, the building that we are waiting outside of has approximately 21,000 chairs permanently set up inside. My portion of the line is not in the shade.
12:07 p.m. - the line has moved forward enough for me to be within the next 250 auditioners. More importantly, I am now, finally, in the shade for the rest of the line process.
12:45 - still in line. We've moved forward a little. It's still about 100 degrees outside. We're still outside. There are still upwards of 20,000 empty chairs just beyond the unlocked doors in front of which we wait.
1:30 - moving forward. Still about 100-150 people ahead of me. About 200 people after me.
Around this time, Pyramid and movie staff members begin passing out bottled water.
2:00 - saw my high school acting teacher. I look forward to getting inside and finding out just how well she taught me.
2:15 - I'm about 2 groups of auditioners away from being called into the building, finally. All of a sudden, the whole line crumbles and everyone is moving toward the doors. Someone had decided to let us all inside where there were, apparently, a number of chairs available out of the heat. For some reason, they did not move us in the orderly line in which we were already standing. Instead, we gathered (about 450 of us) around two doors through which we were allowed to enter 30 or so at a time.
2:35 - we are seated inside the arena, in no particular order. Production staff calls out 40 or so auditioners to come with them.
2:50 - My group is called! About 40 of us make our way into two lines where they will check our fact sheets to make sure we have everything we need. I wait in line as people who, for some reason, did not bring a picture (or a pencil, I presume) get their pictures taken by production associates. I get to the table. The P.A. is impressed that my sheet is complete and my pic is stapled to it already (I borrowed a stapler from a very prepared woman in the arena). I am sent into the next room with my fellow auditioners to have a seat. There is a table in front of us with several casting professionals. We wonder what the process will be like. I had arrived just over 4 fours ago.
3:00 - A woman introduces herself as the casting director and introduces another woman (named Winsom - cool name) as her co-director. She proceeds to tell us that they will take our fact sheets and photos and call us if they are interested in us for speaking parts, and will hold on to the others and contact people about extras work. She gave us the dates of filming and asked us to give our sheets to a certain guy on the way out.
3:02 - the "audition" is over. They have successfully collected a fact sheet and photo from me. Both had been ready for them for over 4 hours. Every part of the entire process - the line up, the numbers, the waiting, the heat stroke, the waiting, the move into the arena (which, as it turns out, had been sitting there empty the whole time we were waiting outside), the reorganizing by number once in the arena, the groups of 40 or so, and the waiting - was unncessary, save the handing me the fact sheet (which I completed in about a minute and a half) and the collecting of the fact sheet.
6:43 - I am sitting at home writing this post. There are probably still hopefuls waiting to be called into a special room to hand in the sheets they are holding. When I left, the number of auditioners was well over 700. I was 333.

Needless to say, it was fun. I'm excited about the possibility of resuming my movie career (see posts from last summer). I'll keep you posted. Have a nice day!

Coming Up Short: An Appeal to the Courts

I'm back from my travels and glad to be home. That's that.

While I was on the road, I was following the story of the sentencing of the BTK killer. (BTW, I don't know what BTK stands for. They just kept saying the letters. Was I supposed to already know? If you know, share with us using the comment feature below, please.) He was convicted of having killed a number of people over a span of several years a couple decades ago, and has now been sentenced. He was given 10 consecutive life sentences without a chance for parole.
10 life sentences.

Am I missing something? Is there any difference between 1 life sentence and 2, 5, 7, 10 or 100 life sentences? Is it really a worse punishment, or is it just to make him look bad in the record books? I think we need to find something a little more meaningful to fill the enormous gap that obviously exists between a life sentence and a death sentence. The latter is not available (and may not be advisable) in many situations, and the former may well be insufficient for the worst criminals (see BTK).

What are our options here? I'd love to hear some suggestions via the comment feature. Otherwise, I fear we'll appear to have given up on finding a solution. Much like, according to Chris Rock, we have done with many diseases and physical conditions. If you've never heard his stand-up on this topic, you should. It's hilarious. My favorite example he gives is how we've given up on blindness. You can tell that we don't think there's a medical answer coming when we start prescribing dogs for something.

He says it better than I type it. Sorry.

More Medicine and Airplane Law

I forgot to mention the unbelievable array of restrooms that I have the pleasure of using at the many establishments I now frequent on the comedy ciruit. I talk about the diseases I might get from the smoke inhalation, but in truth, I’m far more likely to catch something from one of these sketchy lavatories.

Lavatory. That’s a great word. That’s part of the whole other language they seem to speak on airplanes. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’re speaking English. It’s just that they’re using words we would never use anywhere else. Like say… um, lavatory! I have this on the brain because I am composing this post in the C concourse of Memphis International Airport, waiting for a delayed flight to Atlanta.

I’m anxiously awaiting the time when we will actually depart, but dreading somewhat the lecture we’re all going to get because of a few bad smokers once we get on the plane. You know what I’m talking about. The harsh tongue lashing the flight attendants always give us about tampering with, disabling or destroying smoke detectors in the aircraft lavatory.

When will the smokers stop?!? It’s the only law they have to remind us of now on airplanes. The rest of us have stopped murdering, raping, stealing cars and evading taxes up there. Why oh why can’t the smokers control themselves?

I call on you smokers: put an end to this madness. Tell your friends, put it in your little newsletter, whatever. Spread the word. They’re on to you. It’s time to move on.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Boy, I hope that's true! Laughter is the best medicine, that is. I hope it's true because, while I'm very excited about my budding career in stand-up comedy, I'm don't think it's making me healthier. Every night, I come home wreaking of smoke... in the wee hours of the morning. I'm developing emphysema and I'm tired. It's not pretty.

I never thought about that. I never realized that I have to be willing to become a smoker if I want to do this regularly. Not that I will actually be smoking, but there's a lot of that second-hand stuff there. It hardly seems fair, that just because I apparently have some talent for this comedy stuff, my chances of lung cancer should skyrocket. I guess that's the price. I'd love to see some numbers on death rates for comics.

Maybe I'll start handing out Nicorette while I perform. Just have people walk right up while I'm talking and get some nicotine gum from me. It'll be really disruptive to my act, but much better for my bronchial tubes.

On a brighter note, my friends always want to know if I'm making money doing comedy, and I'm prepared to give a report. This is my somewhat comical comedy financial disclosure form...

Earnings... $29, 2 Budweiser Selects, 3 Budweisers, 1 Bud Light
Expenditures... $31 for a camera tripod, $28 for digital video tapes, $25 for gas, $6 for vhs tapes, $5 for dvds, $4 for "tussin" (see smoking/emphysema rant above)

Yup, I'm living the dream. But I won't forget you.

Cell Phone Danger

Hello riders! Sorry for the pause. I've missed you. Personal update: retirement is great. I'm in New Orleans visiting friends right now. Hoping to do stand-up tonight for the first time in Louisiana. We'll see. Comedy's going very well. Performed four straight nights last week. Spending that much time in clubs is killing me, though. Too much smoke. I'll be dead soon. Sad.

When I was driving down here I spend a lot of time on the phone. I know that's not supposed to be too safe - driving while you're talking. We've got all sorts of technology now that's designed to make us safer. Like the little wireless headsets for cell phones. Everybody's got these little things in their ears so that they can keep their hands on the wheel when they're driving. Are we safer because of these? Hell no. I don't know what impact these devices are having on car accident incidents, but I know we're not safer. These things are putting us in harm's way because we can't tell who's crazy anymore.

It used to be that if you saw somebody talking out loud and no one else was around, you knew - psycho. Now, if you see somebody talking and no one else is around, they might be crazy... or they might be a business man. There's no way to know. So now the crazy people are just mixed right in with the rest of us. It's very scary.

Not only are these things putting us in danger, but also in embarrassing situations. Have you ever had someone talk to you and you respond, and then you realize they weren't talking to you? They're just on the phone. That's no good. You're in a store looking at stuff and someone walks up next to you and you hear them say, "Which one do you like?"

You don't really look at them, you just launch right into your answer. "Well, I'm hardly the one to ask. I can't use the latex ones because of a skin allergy. And the normal sizes don't fit me.*"

Then you hear the person next to you say, "Hold on." So you stop talking and you look at him. And he looks at you. And finally, he points to the little thing in his ear and mouths the words, "I'm on the phone."

Right then, a little piece of your heart dies because you've just caught a glimpse of how big a jackass you can be... without even trying.


* We were shopping for dishwashing gloves. Sickos.

High Definition Blogging

I like television, and I've been watching a lot of it lately. I find that I'm being bombarded by promotions of new t.v. technologies - the most prominent of which is high definition television, or HDTV. I think maybe we're a little carried away with our ability to make technical progress. I just don't think a lot of it is necessary. Was there something wrong with t.v. that made us need HDTV? We couldn’t see it well enough, apparently? A couple of years ago when HDTV was just being unveiled, I was in New York and went on a tour of the NBC Studios. The guide gets all excited, he says, “Soon, everything we do will be shown in HDTV! You all know about HDTV?” We’re like, “not really.” He gets this excited/crazed look in his eye and he’s like, “well let me explain it to you this way. When you’re watching a baseball game, not only will the action on the field be so much clearer, but you’ll be able to see what a fan in centerfield… is eating!”

Is that what we’ve been missing? I guess so. I guess television will always be a failure until I can personally lay eyes on every hot dog sold at Yankee Stadium. And you know they’ll just keep making advancements. What’s next, Super HDTV? “You can not only see what the fan in centerfield is eating, but you can tell if he likes it!”

And then a few years later, Extra Super HDTV. “You can not only tell if the fan in centerfield likes his pretzel, you can tune back in later and watch him poop it out! You’ll be able to tell what kind of toilet paper he’s using!”

I guess the next thing after that will be Smellevision! Okay, that’s enough. I just grossed myself out a little.

Morning Rituals

Hello there! I hope you are having a great day. I know I am. My day started much like my days usually do - with my favorite morning ritual. I don’t mean the coffee or the shower, or even the Today Show or Good Morning Memphis. I’m talking about deleting all the emails that come during the night. Aren’t those great? Every morning it’s the same. Increase your sex drive! Increase your penis size! Add three inches! Three inches? (now pretend you're me saying this next part really sarcastically) Oooohhhh! Big difference! (Did you get the effect?) I used to laugh at those emails, but now... well, now I just think it’s nice that my old girlfriends keep in touch at all.

Retirement, Glorious Retirement!

Hello there! I just wanted to let you know that it's 12:50 p.m. (central time) and I'm sitting at home in my recliner wearing boxer briefs and a bathrobe. That's right. Boxer briefs. All the comfort of a boxer, all the support of a brief. It's only a matter of time before I put on dress socks and complete the outfit. I'll keep you posted. Have a nice day!

Letter Day, 1500, and Score One for the Small Thinker

Dear Mom, Dad, and all my Ziggybackriding friends,

Shalom from Jacobs Camp. I am spending a few days helping out at the summer camp that I grew up going to and where I worked full-time as the assistant director after graduating from college. It's really fun to be back, as always. One of the traditions here is "letter day." The kids are required to write home every Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday, and on those days, staff members remind the campers to write with a letter day skit, the theme of which varies with each camp session. I used to enjoy writing and performing in the letter day skits and before that, when I was a camper, I used to enjoy writing incredibly short letters home. I mean really, what little boy at summer camp wants to have to stop to write a letter? So I used to write things like "Camp is great. Gotta go." As a matter of fact, I apparently wrote "gotta go" so often that my father was concerned for my gastrointestinal health. I was fine. Back then, at least.

A shout out to our visitors... we are quite close to hitting the 1500 visitor mark. Congratulations to us all on continuing our fantastic ride. If you are the lucky 1500th, please let me know using the comment feature below this post.

Back to camp news... we had corn dogs for lunch yesterday. Corn dogs! Has humanity ever had a better idea? In a world filled with mind-blowing inventions and a non-stop craving for progress and innovation, I often find myself in awe of those who brought us some of the small, mundane items in our lives. For instance (back to the corn dogs), if neither already existed, I think I would be far more likely to come up with the idea for the airplane than the corn dog. How did that happen? Of course we want to fly. We see birds. It looks cool. We were bound to figure it out. But a processed meat link encased in fried corn batter? On a stick? Score one for the small thinker! I love the human mind.

Time for swimming.

Love,
Ziggy

More Comedy, Self Help, and the Mighty Texas Longhorns

Hi there!

The last stand-up comedy performance went very well and there's another one coming tomorrow night. If you want the info, leave me a comment below and I'll email it. I'm having a lot of fun doing it and I'm hoping to take the show on the road soon. Not a full-blown tour, mind you, but I'm doing some traveling and I'll see who'll let me on a stage in the the various cities I'll be visiting. I'll keep you posted...

Last night, I spent a little time in my neighborhood Borders store. I love looking around in book stores. Reminds me of how little I know. Dammit. But I digress. Last night I found myself browsing in the "self help" section. Have you been in there recently? That's enough to make you think you have some real problems. There are so many books there and all of them can make me be the person I want to be living the life I want to live and wielding the power that resides within me. I thought things were going rather well for me, but now I know... I have a lot of reading to do. I did notice one book entitled The Hip Girl's Handbook. I didn't have time just then to look and see, but I'm sure the first thing any guide to coolness - for boys or girls - will tell you is to hurry to the nearest book store and buy a book about being hip. That's always the first step. Anyone who's already hip'll tell you that right off.

Finally, in College Baseball news (because I know that's what you came for!), my beloved Texas Longhorns take on the Baylor Bears tonight with the chance to earn a berth in the National Championship Series. I'm really pressing my luck here because I mentioned the Longhorns in the tournament last year at this time and they ended up losing. I'm risking the jinx, but I can't resist. I'm very excited.

Hook 'em Horns!

Furniture and Funniness

Why the little armrest covers on nice chairs? You know what I'm talking about? The slipcovers that fit over the armrests? Yeah, you know. First of all, if these are so important, why can't furniture manufacturers take a minute and a half one day and figure out a way to make them stay on? Trying to keep them in place is like working a second job, and it's hard to work while you're watching t.v. That's not my real problem with the armrest covers, though. My real question about these things is doesn't it seem like someone's really missing the mark here?

Allow me to explain...Picture a chair. You have one in mind? Great! There is one part that we occasionally rest our arms on lightly. Then there is another part that we sit on - with our butt and all our body weight... every single time the chair is in use. Which part would you put a protective cover on? Yeah, me too.

As long as we're on furniture, I'm confused about a number of things. The purpose of a headboard is one of those things. I own a headboard, but I don't know why. Well, yes I do. My mom told me I needed one. What is the purpose? To try and convince people that I don't actually sleep near the wall? "No! Look! You can't even see the wall! I sleep all the way over here." The wall was the sturdiest, most useful headboard I'll ever own. I miss it.

And what about occasional tables? Occasional tables? What are they when they're not tables? And how do they know when it's time to be a table again? Unless they can keep the slipcovers on the arms of my chairs for me, I'm going to need them to be tables all the time.

COMEDY TOMORROW
STOP 345 - 9:00 p.m.
345 Madison
I'm gonna be funny and stuff.

Away Message

Hi there! I'm writing this post from the grounds of the URJ Henry S. Jacobs Camp in Utica, MS, where I am serving as a staff member at Camp Dream Street. Dream Street is a week-long, residential summer camp program for children with disabilities and, well... it is awesome! Check it out at www.dreamstreetms.org.

Once I'm back on the homefront, I'll get back to regular writing and I'll keep you posted about comedy, the last days of my job, the search for a new job, and other momentous happenings in our world. For now, I'll let you know that I have two comedy outings planned in Memphis in the coming weeks. Mark your calendars for Thursday, June 9th, when I'll be appearing at Comedy, Tennessee. The show starts at 8:00 pm at the Holiday Inn East Memphis; and save Friday, June 17th, when I'll be performing at Stop 345/Paddy's Memphis Pub. Both shows are for charity, so come on out. More info soon.

Back to the magic of Dream Street. I'll be back.

Oh, What Could Have Been!

Yesterday, a stock I own went up almost 18%. 18% in one day! That's unbelievable. When you look and see that that has happened, you begin to think about what could have been. I did decide to buy a little of the stock at one time. What if I had decided to buy more two days ago? What if I had put everything I own into it? Even better, what if I owned a lot more than I do and had put everything I own into it? Boy, that would have been something! One day, baby! One day.

For now, I'm just enjoying knowing that I'm nigh on $50 wealthier than I was before the great TiVO boom of 2005. I'm sure that'll serve me well when I begin my temporary retirement in a few weeks.

In other news, I took a picture of my dinner the other night.

That's right. A picture. Of my dinner. I kid you not. I made stir-fry vegetables and fruit and garnished my plate with fresh fruit. As I was preparing it, I was struck by what a beautiful, colorful, healthy looking dish I had created. About that same time, I noticed my digital camera sitting on the counter within arm's reach. I recorded that glorious culinary moment for posterity. If I remember, I'll try and post the picture on this site for you to see. I believe that if I can do that and you can look at it, we will have achieved an all-time low for the internet (that's saying something!), and by Jove, we'll have done it together!

I don't get out much.

In Memoriam

I must, once again, apologize for my lack of recent posts. I know I can't keep asking you to give me another chance, hurt you again, and expect you to remain mine. But you must know how much I love you. And I'm trying. I really am! You'll see.

That was today's shameless apology/exuse for not writing more often, and it was brought to you by the Pyramid, "Memphis' home for... umm... Memphis'... umm... pointiest building!"

The message of today's post is of a more serious nature than usual. This post is in memory of Paddy Kelly, owner and proprietor of Paddy's Memphis Pub, who died recently of a sudden heart attack (as I understand it). Paddy's is where I got my start as a stand-up comedian. No matter how far (or short) my funny thoughts might take me, no matter what twists and turns my comedic journey may take, it will always have started with Paddy. I will always be indebted to him for his willingness to say, "Yes! Do stand-up comedy at my bar," when no one else was saying it. I will always be indebted, too, for his 2-for-1 drink specials that loosened up my earliest audiences. I didn't know him well, but I'll always be indebted to him for opening the door for me and holding it open - patiently and gentlemanly - as I shuffled shyly through.

A comedy tribute to Paddy, which will raise money to be used charitably in his memory, is in the works. I'll keep you posted.

Have a wonderful day!

Alternative Sources

Hello there! My apologies for the way-too-large amount of time since my last post. I hope you haven't had to turn to alternative sources of entertainment to curb your craving for the ride.

Speaking of alternative sources, I think it's really time for us to stop talking and start working to find new energy. Gas prices are high and oil producing countries are unstable/unfriendly; we are far too dependent. What I'm wondering is why the people that have found so many sources of cooking oil can't help us find other places from which to get oils for fuel.

What am I talking about? Okay, I'll tell you.

They are able to find oil that can be used for cooking absolutely anywhere. Think about it. Vegetable oil? What is vegetable oil? When was the last time you bit into a carrot and hit an oily patch?

Corn oil? Same thing. And, to be honest, I don't even know what canola is.

How do they find this stuff? I guess companies just buy up tons and tons of vegetables and drill into them with tiny drills, hoping for a lucky strike. Pick the right stalk of broccoli or head of lettuce and... EUREKA! You've hit the mother load.

This all must have taken a great deal of creativity at some point back in the day. Let's fire the brains back up (using solar power, of course) and leave the Saudis to themselves.

Can somebody please tell me, what is a canola?

Milestones and Pontiffs

Congratulations! You did it. You helped this site reach the 1000 visitor mark. Special recognition goes to my friend Rachel who was the lucky visitor. I owe her a drink. Or so she tells me.

All I can say is keep visiting. If you do, I'll keep writing. Sometimes I'll even write things that are interesting. You'll see!

In other news, we have a new Pope. As I'm quite certain you already know, Pope John Paul II passed away recently. The College of Cardinals (Such a party school! I almost went there, but decided on UT Austin at the last second. Little known fact!) has elected his successor. Benedict the XVI is the man. I would have thought that John Paul III would have been the natural choice (I understand he's very upset.), but I guess that just shows how much I have to learn about this stuff.

Have a great day!

Four Digits, Travel, and a Big Mistake

Hi there! Well, we're almost there. Almost, that is, to the big 1-0-0-0 on the visitor counter. It's exciting to be nearing four-digit territory, even if the number has climbed painfully slowly since its humble beginnings in the single digits. Sure, most of the visits have been me, but not all of them, and that's what we should focus on as we near this milestone. Best of luck to all at being the 1000th. If you find that you are (you'll know because the counter will say 1000) post a comment to the latest post letting me know. You'll be eligible for many fabulous prizes.

Alright, settle down now. There's more here to enjoy than just exciting play-by-play coverage of this site's visitor count. I was on the road this weekend on a sort of ziggybackride history tour.

I left my hometown of Memphis, TN, where I grew up and live currently, on Friday and spent some time that afternoon in Jackson, MS, visiting my old office, co-workers, and friends there. I proceeded out of "urban Mississippi" and into the suburbs of Utica, MS, where I spent the night at Henry S. Jacobs Camp, where I have spent some significant portion of over 20 summers of my life, plus some time in the winter months, too. There, I helped staff a weekend event for 6th-8th graders from around the region. I woke up early Saturday morning and flew out of Jackson (the Utica airport just ain't what it used to be) to Austin, TX, where I visited with friends from the camp and from my days in school at UT Austin. That night, I attended a celebration for a student affairs professional that is retiring after a long tenure shaping student life at The University. It was great to have the opportunity to show him my appreciation and to see many very close friends who were there to do the same and with whom I hope to keep in better contact from now on (and I'm not just saying that because they might be reading this!). That night, I slept in the apartment of some camp friends who are in school at UT. It sounds like it's funny that I, a mildly successful 29 year old professional would crash on the couch of a college apartment, but in truth, they keep it far cleaner than I keep my house, so it was rather luxurious! I woke up Sunday morning at 5:00 a.m. and caught a shuttle to the airport, flew back to Jackson, got in my car, caught up with a bus of kids returning to Memphis from the camp weekend and traveled with them back to Memphis.

It was rather an elegant little travel plan that emerged from a marriage of my desire to get to Austin and my laziness that kept from me from finding someone else to chaperone the camp bus. It was a fun weekend!

Finally, the big mistake. I started watching the movie "The Neverending Story" last week. I'm still watching it. This story never ends!!! Just kidding, of course, but I have always found it funny in the video store that there is a Neverending Story II. How could you possibly need a sequel if the first one never ends? And how would anyone ever get around to watching it?

Dream Job? Really?

I am looking for a job. Not very actively, but I am looking. I am leaving my current post in June and I don't know what I'll do next. I'm interested in a lot of different possibilities and feel I have a lot of opportunities, so I'm not worried, but the situation has raised my interest in jobs and how to get them.

Naturally, my attention was drawn to an ESPN show called Dream Job, as I am not only a job seeker, but a sports fan. This is the 2nd season of Dream Job. In the first, sportscaster wannabes vied for an opening on the Sportscenter anchor team. My friend Micah came damn close to becoming a finalist in that competition, as a matter of fact, but I digress (surprise, surprise!). This second season of the show has former NBA players competing for the chance to be an NBA commentator for the network. Here's where I become confused and - I'm not gonna lie to you - somewhat angry.

Former NBA players are competing for a "dream job?" Are you kidding me? These guys made millions of dollars playing basketball. I'm sure you understand, but I feel the need to explain further. Their job - their whole job - was to be basketball players. That would qualify as quite close to dream job status even if they were making minimum wage for it, but they weren't. No, they were paid millions of dollars to play the game I love, and now, NOW, they are competing for a dream job?

So my first problem with this is the idea that we should get excited because one of these guys might finally get something we might consider a dream job. The second is that it's not like they are just average joes who happen to think they make good comments during basketball games (like George Costanza) and think they might make a good sportscaster if ever given the chance. As Jerry told George, "Those jobs are usually reserved for people who are in broadcasting or former athletes." To which George responded, "Well... that doesn't seem fair."

George may be right, but Jerry certainly was. Since when do retired professional athletes need a leg up over average guys to have a chance at sportscasting jobs? If ESPN wants to give away dream jobs, open it up to guys who don't already have a really good chance to get that exact job and who haven't already had what everyone else in the world would consider a dream job. Then I'll watch.

Good day to you.

I said good day!

Long Time, No Ride/Write

Hello Ziggybackriders! Oh, how I've missed you. So much has happened since last we were together. Unfortunately, I can't write much now, but boy oh boy, when I can...

In the last few weeks, I've been to Washington, D.C., where I met with several Members of Congress and saw some of my favorite sites in this great nation of ours. I have plenty to tell you about that. I have also helped engineer my Temple's celebration of the Jewish holiday of Purim. For those unfamiliar, I will explain the holiday later, but just know that tax season is to an accountant as Purim is to a synagogue youth director. I'm pooped!

An exciting basketball season has continued for me as a player and as the coach of a high school girls' team, the Temple Israel Lady Rabs. They're not bad! It's fun! Speaking of basketball, I have seen less of the NCAA Basketball Tournament than ever before and that makes me sad, as it is my favorite of all sporting events. I will, however, be watching the NIT Semifinals tonight as my hometown Memphis Tigers take on St. Joe's in hopes of continuing what is now a nine-game NIT win streak and securing a berth in Thursday night's championship game.

Early tomorrow morning, I'm off to Houston, TX, which is a city I could mostly do without. Exceptions to that include that it is the hometown of much of my extended family and many of my college friends from UT Austin, and that tomorrow, it is where my father will be installed as president of all the rabbis of Reform Judaism, worldwide. A nice honor and a big responsibility. Glad I'll get to be there!

Okay, that's it for now. Just wanted you to know I'm still alive (which is saying something considering my next door neighbor was shot right outside my condo the other night while I slept. He, too, is alive and well, but I mean... you know... wow!).

See you soon!

The World According to Gum

The world moves so fast. It really does get difficult to keep up with things. The news, technology, diet and exercise crazes, new products - it's almost too much to handle. Sometimes, I think we definitely make it a little harder on ourselves than we need to. That theory was proven true when I went to buy gum the other day.

Even in the realm of chewing gum, the world is spinning out of control. Flavors used to be so simple - fruit, cinnamon, and mint. But we had to make the choice tougher than that. So the mints got divided into pepper and spear. Neither of those names makes sense to me, by the way, but we won't get bogged down in that. Eventually, it became apparent that those beloved old flavors just weren't enough to satisfy the sophisticated tastes of the world's gum chewers.

The big thing I've noticed recently is that all of the gum flavors are sounding colder and colder. I think the move to low-temperature flavored gum must have started with wintergreen. (Again, I don't even know what that flavor is. I like it, but what is it based on? Is that a fruit? A plant? Or did the folks at Life Savers and Wrigley's just get together and make it up?) After a while, I guess wintergreen began to seem stale, so, of course, here comes winter fresh!

But soon our mouths got accustomed to the freshness of winter and the chewing gum industry - always on their toes - responded to this potential crisis with a flurry of wintry cold brands and flavors - Arctic Blast. Polar Ice. Even Ice Breakers. I get cold just walking down the candy aisle now!

I don't know what's next - probably just frozen pieces of metal that we can get our tongues stuck to (like in "A Christmas Story." What a great movie!). I think that would keep our mouths cool. Or maybe they'll start selling little sticks of mint-flavored ice. Now, you'd think those would melt before they even got to you, but you'd be wrong. No, they wouldn't melt. Not with the high tech packaging they're putting gum in now. What's with those individual blister packs for pieces of gum. That's the same kind of packaging as medicine! That's how important chewing gum is in our society. We take care of it as though it has the power to heal. But I guess that in our hectic world, that's the sort of thing we have to do to ease our burden. This way, at least we know our chewing gum is safe. Frosty, therapeutic, and safe!

Am I the World's Strongest Man?

Maybe not, but I do like watching that competition. You know the one. It's on ESPN at like 2 in the morning and it's big guys with names like Lars and Jan wearing leotards and picking up stuff like barrels and small automobiles, and pulling wagons and sometimes even airplanes.

It's pretty crazy.

It is a little better than weight lifting, though, because the Strongest Man guys are at least lifting real things. Weight lifters are just lifting... weight. It was made for no other purpose than to be lifted. If people would stop making it, we wouldn't have to lift it any more. Anyway... my point is that the stuff they lift in the Strongest Man competition is actual stuff, so there's at least some connection to reality.

It's kind of an Amish reality, though, isn't it? Otherwise, how do you explain a man needing to tow an airplane?

"Pardon me, brother. Can thou help me move my airplane?"
"Why don't you just turn on the engines? It'll move."
"I'm sorry, but no. Thy way is not our way. Is anyone here really strong?"

I shouldn't pick on the Amish, though. It's not very nice. Then again, I'd rather the Amish be mad at me than Lars and Jan.

Stand Up and Win!

Hello Ziggybackriders! It has been far too long since we've been together! You're looking marvelous, though. I don't know how you do it!

I have so much to fill you in on. Where to begin?

I begin with the title of this post. I did stand-up comedy for the first time two weeks ago today. It was so exciting! I have been talking about doing it for a few years. I have actually been ready to get up and try it for a few months, but couldn't find a place. But then it happened. Memphis' own Stop 345/Paddy's Pub had an open mic night. It was nervewracking because all the best comedians talk about how badly their early outings went, but this was great. The material was tight and people laughed. I can't wait to do it again and again! (you are probably wondering what I talked about. You have seen most of the material in my series "The Season For Loving." This was a couple days before Valentine's day so I did all romance-related stuff.)

Last weekend, I was at the wedding of two close friends. Yes, one's a boy and one's a girl. I grew up with the guy at Camp and met the girl on an Israel trip and I actually introduced them. Hooray for me! It was a lot of fun and a very nice wedding weekend. Nice weather, too. It was in Florida.

This week, the Lady Rabs, the high school girls basketball team that I coach picked up their first win. I believe it was just the first of many, though. Stay tuned for more on the Ladies as the season progresses.

In my own basketball news, the team I play for lost for the first time this season. We have been tearing other teams apart all seasong, but were just out of sync from the get-go last night. We lost by two. Coincidentally, I didn't have my jersey, which resulted in a technical foul, from which our opponents got two points. Laundry can make all the difference.

Alright, I think that's quite enough for now. Sorry I've been absent, but the Ride goes on. Thanks for visiting and have a spectacular weekend!

The Season For Loving (IV)

Well, yesterday was Valentine's Day. I hope you had a lovely one! What follows is the final installment of the wildly popular "The Season For Loving" series that has been appearing here in this... well... season for loving. I hope you enjoy it!

Today's Topic: The Shape of My Heart

First of all, yes. I did use a Backstreet Boys song title as today's topic. It's not because I love boy bands. It fits, so BACK OFF!

How did the heart shape that we use to represent love and romance come to be accepted as heart-shaped? You know what I’m talking about? The Valentine’s Day heart (or VDH, as it will henceforth be referred to) looks very little like an actual heart. The resemblance is almost undetectable. So how did the VDH become the way our society pictures the heart? It’s especially funny, I think, because we talk about the heart being the home of our truest feelings.

Oh sure! But try to be truthful about what the heart looks like and it’s, “No! Don’t be silly! That’s not what our hearts look like! What is that, a ventricle? You’re crazy, man. I like you, but you’re… you’re crazy.”

I think there’d be whole new feel to modern romance and Valentine’s Day if we went back to using the real heart. What an image – little baby cupid firing one of his legendary arrows right through the aorta. Valves all aflutter as blood is pumped through that special someone’s cardiovascular system nearby. That’s romance, baby!

It's unlikely, but some of you may recognize this post from the cabinprayers site that I share with friends. But I wrote it, so I'll use it wherever I please, thank you!

Just A Thought

Don't ask me where thoughts like this come from. I haven't the slightest.

Prunes are dried plums. Dried plums. Prune... juice?

P.S. - The Runnin' Rabbis (basketball team I coach) won tonight. Doesn't happen often. Sweet.

A Quick Giggle

Hello there! I hope you had a nice weekend and enjoyed your Super Bowl Sunday. Today is the start of a new work week and yet another day that I should be working on finding a new job to begin this Summer or Fall. With those work-related items in mind, I share a quick thought from Jerry Seinfeld on the workplace...

"Why do people who work in offices have pictures of their family on their desk facing them? Do they forget that they're married? Do they say to themselves, 'All right. Five o'clock. Time to hit the bars and pick up some hookers. Hold it a second, look at this picture. I got a wife and three kids. I completely forgot! I better get home.'"

Just a little Jerry (not the "Little Jerry," of course) to liven up a rainy Memphis Monday. Have a good one!

The Season For Loving (IIIb)

This is the continuation of "The Season For Loving (III)" which ended with a "to be continued..." I know that many of you have been awaiting the resolution of this romance-related cliffhanger with baited (I don't know what that means) breath. The wait is over. You made it. Well done. Those of you who've not yet read part one may wish to scroll down and read that first. Okay, here goes.

Previously, on the The Season For Loving...

... that wouldn't really work because we don't always know what we want. But that's a problem that's not limited to men.

Today's Topic: What Women Want

It's hard to tell what women want. Mostly because they lie about it. You always see these surveys of women about what they're looking for in a man. Usually, the results are reported something like this:

"Surprisingly, 54% of the 1,000 women we polled said they are simply looking for 'someone who can make me laugh.' "

Really? That's it. Someone who can make them laugh? I don't think so. I make people laugh all the time. Some of them are even women. I would say that I am an expert (possibly the world's foremost) in knowing that laughter is NOT number one on the list.

Now, when you look at those surveys, you'll see that there are always a few more honest ladies way down the list who are looking for handsome, wealthy, sensitive men. The rest of them just want to laugh. Of course, what they fail to mention is that they always get really giggly around handsome, wealthy, sensitive men!

Men are just the opposite. We say we want young, rich women with great bodies, but what we really want...... is exactly that. See, ladies. You don't have to lie.