It's Saturday afternoon and I just left an adult book store.
The business is located in a building that my real estate company manages. I was there to show a neighboring vacancy to a prospective tenant. When he had not yet arrived* several minutes after our appointed meeting time, I went into the store, introduced myself, and asked whether anyone had stopped in looking for me.
Without missing a beat and with the faintest hint of a smile on her lips (and a somewhat less faint grin in her eyes), the clerk assured me that everyone who had been there today had only been looking for one thing.
I think I need to spend more time with the employees of such establishments. That brief moment told me that these are people with senses of humor and that, from them, there is comedy to be had.
*He never arrived. It's cool, though. I had been hoping to spend part of my day off hanging out in a sweltering hot, vacant bar/grill, so really, I should be thanking him. So should anyone else who ever wants to meet with me on a weekend and has trouble convincing me to accept the appointment.
_
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
I Could Be A World Champion
In about 36 hours, maybe a little less, we'll know (well, I'll know and then I'll probably share it here in about a month 'cause that seems to be what I do, at the moment) if I am a World Champion!
"For what championship is Michael competing?" you may wonder. "Is he competing against other regional Funniest Jew winners?" "Is there a world's laziest man competition?" "Worst housekeeper in the world?"
No, no, and no to those last three. But if you know of any of those competitions, please let me know. I've been practicing for all of them.
I am a member of Born in the Que-S-A, a team competing in the Memphis in May World Championship Barbecue Cooking Contest, an incredibly smoky and fun festival on the banks of the Mississippi River in downtown Memphis. It started a couple of days ago and judging is tomorrow.
I don't really know how they judge and rank 200 or so different ribs, but hopefully they'll rank us first! I'll keep you posted. If we win, I assume the Memphis community will be throwing us a ticker-tape parade. Maybe we'll be invited to the White House. Who knows?!?
Now, please enjoy the story, told through facebook status updates, of my drive home from the first night of the contest. It is a little reminiscent of unexpected, undesired, unenjoyable late night car adventures of the past:
Michael Danziger Is stuck in traffic. You'd think that'd be some kind of metaphor at 11:30 at night, but it's not.Wed 11:33pm · Comment · LikeUnlike
Michael Danziger May very well spend the night on I-240.Wed 11:54pm · Comment · LikeUnlike
Michael Danziger Is glad he used the port-o-potty before leaving bbq fest. Interstate wait: one hour and counting.Yesterday at 12:13am · Comment · LikeUnlike
Michael Danziger Has gone 1/10 of a mile in the last 80 minutes...in a car.Yesterday at 12:38am · Comment · LikeUnlike
Michael Danziger Will get home early next Wednesday morning, at this rate, but they'll probably clear the road sooner.Yesterday at 12:45am · Comment · LikeUnlike
Michael Danziger Sees a police car ahead moving! Does this mean I might also move soon?Yesterday at 1:06am · Comment · LikeUnlike
Michael Danziger Is about to move! .3 miles in 2 hours!Yesterday at 1:12am · Comment · LikeUnlike
Michael Danziger Is home. 2 1/2 hours after leaving downtown. It would have been faster to go the other direction to Little Rock!Yesterday at 1:39am · Comment · LikeUnlike
"For what championship is Michael competing?" you may wonder. "Is he competing against other regional Funniest Jew winners?" "Is there a world's laziest man competition?" "Worst housekeeper in the world?"
No, no, and no to those last three. But if you know of any of those competitions, please let me know. I've been practicing for all of them.
I am a member of Born in the Que-S-A, a team competing in the Memphis in May World Championship Barbecue Cooking Contest, an incredibly smoky and fun festival on the banks of the Mississippi River in downtown Memphis. It started a couple of days ago and judging is tomorrow.
I don't really know how they judge and rank 200 or so different ribs, but hopefully they'll rank us first! I'll keep you posted. If we win, I assume the Memphis community will be throwing us a ticker-tape parade. Maybe we'll be invited to the White House. Who knows?!?
Now, please enjoy the story, told through facebook status updates, of my drive home from the first night of the contest. It is a little reminiscent of unexpected, undesired, unenjoyable late night car adventures of the past:
Michael Danziger Is stuck in traffic. You'd think that'd be some kind of metaphor at 11:30 at night, but it's not.Wed 11:33pm · Comment · LikeUnlike
Michael Danziger May very well spend the night on I-240.Wed 11:54pm · Comment · LikeUnlike
Michael Danziger Is glad he used the port-o-potty before leaving bbq fest. Interstate wait: one hour and counting.Yesterday at 12:13am · Comment · LikeUnlike
Michael Danziger Has gone 1/10 of a mile in the last 80 minutes...in a car.Yesterday at 12:38am · Comment · LikeUnlike
Michael Danziger Will get home early next Wednesday morning, at this rate, but they'll probably clear the road sooner.Yesterday at 12:45am · Comment · LikeUnlike
Michael Danziger Sees a police car ahead moving! Does this mean I might also move soon?Yesterday at 1:06am · Comment · LikeUnlike
Michael Danziger Is about to move! .3 miles in 2 hours!Yesterday at 1:12am · Comment · LikeUnlike
Michael Danziger Is home. 2 1/2 hours after leaving downtown. It would have been faster to go the other direction to Little Rock!Yesterday at 1:39am · Comment · LikeUnlike
Monday, April 06, 2009
Asinine Ads or Cockamamy Commercials (You Choose)
Very, very early in the life of ZiggyBackRide, the staff here wrote about television advertisements that had us wondering for one reason or another. Now, a few years later*, a new crop of positively puzzling pitches has emerged.
1) Jergens Natural Glow - The voiceover in the commercial for this bronzing body cream asks the question, "With Jergens, who needs the sun?" Perhaps the fine folks over at Jergens are under the impression that the sun is merely nature's outdated tanning lamp and, if they are religious folks, proof of God's insistence that each of us must maintain a natural glow. As important as that glow is**, unless Jergens' exciting new product can prevent the instantaneous freezing of our planet and the resulting end of all life thereupon, I'm gonna stand by the idea that all of us still need the sun.
2) Hallmark Recordable Cards - Hallmark is advertising greeting cards that allow you to record a message. The commercial shows a family sitting around the table as the guest of honor opens a card from someone who couldn't make it. They are all quite moved as the voice of the card's sender lets the receiver know how special the receiver is and how badly the sender wishes she could be there. The Voiceover boils it all down for us, saying, that now we can "give the gift of voice." My question is this: Where are Hallmark's offices located that the people who work there have never heard of the telephone. The rest of us have been using it for decades to "give the gift of voice." The Hallmarkers really need to get out more!
* There have been plenty of other asinine ads/cockamamy commercials since the early posts, but our staff has been occupied with higher priorities.
** It is not important at all. In fact, glowing can generally be considered dangerous.
1) Jergens Natural Glow - The voiceover in the commercial for this bronzing body cream asks the question, "With Jergens, who needs the sun?" Perhaps the fine folks over at Jergens are under the impression that the sun is merely nature's outdated tanning lamp and, if they are religious folks, proof of God's insistence that each of us must maintain a natural glow. As important as that glow is**, unless Jergens' exciting new product can prevent the instantaneous freezing of our planet and the resulting end of all life thereupon, I'm gonna stand by the idea that all of us still need the sun.
2) Hallmark Recordable Cards - Hallmark is advertising greeting cards that allow you to record a message. The commercial shows a family sitting around the table as the guest of honor opens a card from someone who couldn't make it. They are all quite moved as the voice of the card's sender lets the receiver know how special the receiver is and how badly the sender wishes she could be there. The Voiceover boils it all down for us, saying, that now we can "give the gift of voice." My question is this: Where are Hallmark's offices located that the people who work there have never heard of the telephone. The rest of us have been using it for decades to "give the gift of voice." The Hallmarkers really need to get out more!
* There have been plenty of other asinine ads/cockamamy commercials since the early posts, but our staff has been occupied with higher priorities.
** It is not important at all. In fact, glowing can generally be considered dangerous.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Some Brutal Honesty About Some Honest Brutality
I have come to enjoy reading "The Week," a magazine that summarizes many of the previous week's top news stories and what various news outlets had to say about them. This week's "The Week" included a briefing entitled "Mexico's brutal drug war." It included the following passages...
and...
According to a related piece in the same magazine, Secretary of State Hilary Clinton said last week that Americans' "insatiable" demand for illegal drugs is a major cause of Mexico's bloody drug war.
So here's the honesty:
If you use illegal drugs (yes, that includes marijuana), you are responsible for this. Not wholly responsible, of course, but you are helping make it happen. I don't care if you think drugs should be legal*. I don't care if you rarely use, I don't care if you never sell, and I don't care if you only do it in the privacy of your home. If you are using drugs, you deserve some credit for violence and fear that are rampant in Mexico and becoming more and more a part of life in the U.S. If you use illegal drugs, do us all a favor and don't ever fool yourself into believing that you're not hurting anyone and don't ever let anyone who uses convince you that they're not responsible for this. They are putting you and me and every one of our neighbors in danger.
Hope you're having a great weekend! Check back tomorrow for lighter fare regarding some troubling television commercials.
* If you think drugs should be legal, you should absolutely work to have the laws changed. But disagreement with the law is not an excuse to break it, especially when doing so would contribute to the aforementioned violence and terror.
Last month, drug traffickers threatened to kill one police officer in Juarez [a town on the US border] every 48 hours unless Police Chief Roberto Orduna Cruz stepped down. When he refused, his deputy turned up mutilated and dead, followed by another officer and a jail guard. Cruz finally resigned his post and fled the city.
and...
Mexican drug gangs have extended their operations to at least 230 U.S. cities, according to the Justice Department, which calls the Mexican cartels "the biggest organized crime threat to the U.S." In recent weeks, police in Atlanta and Phoenix have blamed a wave of kidnappings and home invasions on the cartels' turf war. "The situation in Mexico is very, very dangerous for everyone, including the U.S.," says former Justice Dept. official Philip Heymann. "The situation hasn't reigstered in the mind-set of Americans, but it will."
According to a related piece in the same magazine, Secretary of State Hilary Clinton said last week that Americans' "insatiable" demand for illegal drugs is a major cause of Mexico's bloody drug war.
So here's the honesty:
If you use illegal drugs (yes, that includes marijuana), you are responsible for this. Not wholly responsible, of course, but you are helping make it happen. I don't care if you think drugs should be legal*. I don't care if you rarely use, I don't care if you never sell, and I don't care if you only do it in the privacy of your home. If you are using drugs, you deserve some credit for violence and fear that are rampant in Mexico and becoming more and more a part of life in the U.S. If you use illegal drugs, do us all a favor and don't ever fool yourself into believing that you're not hurting anyone and don't ever let anyone who uses convince you that they're not responsible for this. They are putting you and me and every one of our neighbors in danger.
Hope you're having a great weekend! Check back tomorrow for lighter fare regarding some troubling television commercials.
* If you think drugs should be legal, you should absolutely work to have the laws changed. But disagreement with the law is not an excuse to break it, especially when doing so would contribute to the aforementioned violence and terror.
Friday, March 20, 2009
It's Not What It Looks Like
Hi. Yeah, it's really good to see you, too. I know, it's been too long. You look great. So what's new?
There! We got our awkward conversation out of the way and I think we're over the hump created by my lack of presence in this relationship of late. There is, however, more awkward talking to be done as I tell you that I am now a contributor to a new blog.
No! It's not what it looks like. This blog is still my love. The other one? No, it's not better. It's... different. It is a collaborative site about life in Memphis. Check it out at www.memphisconnect.com. As a matter of fact, I posted on that site this morning regarding Memphis's first game in the NCAA tournament.
As for ZiggyBackRide, I have much to tell you after my post-inauguration blogging sabbatical. From comedy to romance to musical theater to condo leadership, the journey to this day from January 20th has been chock full of wonderful* stories. I shall happily share them with you beginning..........NOW!
It's good to be back!
* quite subjective
There! We got our awkward conversation out of the way and I think we're over the hump created by my lack of presence in this relationship of late. There is, however, more awkward talking to be done as I tell you that I am now a contributor to a new blog.
No! It's not what it looks like. This blog is still my love. The other one? No, it's not better. It's... different. It is a collaborative site about life in Memphis. Check it out at www.memphisconnect.com. As a matter of fact, I posted on that site this morning regarding Memphis's first game in the NCAA tournament.
As for ZiggyBackRide, I have much to tell you after my post-inauguration blogging sabbatical. From comedy to romance to musical theater to condo leadership, the journey to this day from January 20th has been chock full of wonderful* stories. I shall happily share them with you beginning..........NOW!
It's good to be back!
* quite subjective
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Dear President Bush: A Letter From All Of Us
Dear President Bush,
As I watched you depart the Capitol aboard a Marine helicopter, and then Andrews AFB aboard an Air Force jet*, I couldn't help but marvel at the array of emotions that must have been washing over and coursing through you. Among countless others, I imagine there was significant relief, as well as nostalgia, maybe some sadness, and probably some uncertainty (about what's next**). The moment made me consider my feelings toward you as your time in office has come to an end.
The servant and patriot in me say "thank you." Thank you for the work that you did as the leader of our nation. I often disagreed with your ways of thinking and doing, but I appreciate the personal sacrifices you and your family made in order for you to hold this pressure-filled and lonely office, and I appreciate the effort you were putting forth to serve our nation, and to keep it safe and prosperous.
The comedian in me says "come back!" I miss you already. You were very helpful to me as I embarked upon a "career" as a stand-up comic and for that I am grateful. You made statements like, "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." As much as I feel for your staffers for the years that statements like that must have taken off their lives, you often made my day (albeit in a bit of a sad way). I find it hard to believe that President Obama will be as funny as you were, so please, don't be a stranger.
The human being/citizen of the world in me says "finally!" Quite frankly, it often felt as though Godzilla was occupying the Oval Office and that anything that displeased the giant lizard-in-chief or got in its way would be destroyed. I suspect that America's standing in the minds and hearts of most of the world's citizens has jumped significantly since President Obama's election and during the transition. That excites me very much, so please, be a stranger.
The leader in me says "good riddance." For the last eight years, it killed me that you so often appeared unable to recognize or admit a mistake, or to change course when something wasn't working. I think you listened to the wrong people (or didn't listen to the right ones or weren't good at deciding whom to listen to) and I suspect that poor decisions were made in processes that will be embarrassing to us all when your staff goes on to other jobs and the stories of the Bush West Wing are shared.
The optimist (and Rob Schneider impersonator) in me says "you can do it!" As an ex-President, you have wonderful opportunities to serve as an ambassador of our country and of noble causes. You have the chance to shed light on and continue to impact the way our nation is governed. You are in a unique position to speak out when something needs to be said or to act when something important needs to be done. You may even be endowed with certain super powers!***
The dude in me says "let's hang out some time." Through it all, you've always seemed like a guy with whom it's probably a lot of fun to watch a game and eat some bbq.
Finally, the blogger in me says "stop by and read up!" Perhaps you will be visitor number 21,000! While in office, you provided much material for the staff here at ZiggyBackRide and for all of our visitors. It wouldn't have been the same without you. I mean, it wouldn't have been a whole lot different. But definitely a little bit.
Thanks, Mr. President, and best wishes to you and Mrs. Bush. Onward and upward!
Sincerely (I tried "Love" first, but I thought it seemed a bit much),
Z
*The flying machines formerly known as Marine One and Air Force One. When you are not the sitting President, those names are not given your transports as I understand it.
**Insert your own W Presidential Library joke here. The comedian in me thinks I'll be seeing him headlining comedy clubs all over for his speaking tour.
***If SNL should choose to revive its old Ex-Presidents cartoon shorts.
As I watched you depart the Capitol aboard a Marine helicopter, and then Andrews AFB aboard an Air Force jet*, I couldn't help but marvel at the array of emotions that must have been washing over and coursing through you. Among countless others, I imagine there was significant relief, as well as nostalgia, maybe some sadness, and probably some uncertainty (about what's next**). The moment made me consider my feelings toward you as your time in office has come to an end.
The servant and patriot in me say "thank you." Thank you for the work that you did as the leader of our nation. I often disagreed with your ways of thinking and doing, but I appreciate the personal sacrifices you and your family made in order for you to hold this pressure-filled and lonely office, and I appreciate the effort you were putting forth to serve our nation, and to keep it safe and prosperous.
The comedian in me says "come back!" I miss you already. You were very helpful to me as I embarked upon a "career" as a stand-up comic and for that I am grateful. You made statements like, "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." As much as I feel for your staffers for the years that statements like that must have taken off their lives, you often made my day (albeit in a bit of a sad way). I find it hard to believe that President Obama will be as funny as you were, so please, don't be a stranger.
The human being/citizen of the world in me says "finally!" Quite frankly, it often felt as though Godzilla was occupying the Oval Office and that anything that displeased the giant lizard-in-chief or got in its way would be destroyed. I suspect that America's standing in the minds and hearts of most of the world's citizens has jumped significantly since President Obama's election and during the transition. That excites me very much, so please, be a stranger.
The leader in me says "good riddance." For the last eight years, it killed me that you so often appeared unable to recognize or admit a mistake, or to change course when something wasn't working. I think you listened to the wrong people (or didn't listen to the right ones or weren't good at deciding whom to listen to) and I suspect that poor decisions were made in processes that will be embarrassing to us all when your staff goes on to other jobs and the stories of the Bush West Wing are shared.
The optimist (and Rob Schneider impersonator) in me says "you can do it!" As an ex-President, you have wonderful opportunities to serve as an ambassador of our country and of noble causes. You have the chance to shed light on and continue to impact the way our nation is governed. You are in a unique position to speak out when something needs to be said or to act when something important needs to be done. You may even be endowed with certain super powers!***
The dude in me says "let's hang out some time." Through it all, you've always seemed like a guy with whom it's probably a lot of fun to watch a game and eat some bbq.
Finally, the blogger in me says "stop by and read up!" Perhaps you will be visitor number 21,000! While in office, you provided much material for the staff here at ZiggyBackRide and for all of our visitors. It wouldn't have been the same without you. I mean, it wouldn't have been a whole lot different. But definitely a little bit.
Thanks, Mr. President, and best wishes to you and Mrs. Bush. Onward and upward!
Sincerely (I tried "Love" first, but I thought it seemed a bit much),
Z
*The flying machines formerly known as Marine One and Air Force One. When you are not the sitting President, those names are not given your transports as I understand it.
**Insert your own W Presidential Library joke here. The comedian in me thinks I'll be seeing him headlining comedy clubs all over for his speaking tour.
***If SNL should choose to revive its old Ex-Presidents cartoon shorts.
Morning In America
This post, of course, is not to be confused with this one from October of 2005. This post, possibly the first of many today (but you never know; my blogging promises are hollow, indeed!), refers to the words of the famous "It's morning in America" campaign ad run in my much younger years by Ronald Reagan.
I unintentionally awoke at about 5:00 this morning and was unable to go back to sleep. I don't know if it was out of excitement for today's inauguration, because I went to bed early in preparation for an early morning workout, or just because I'm dumb. I was awake, though, for good and decided to go downstairs and see what inaugural coverage was already on. I was glued to the tv screen as I watched crowds pouring onto the National Mall as the sun rose behind the Capitol. It was an incredibly meaningful and moving view of hope and excitement, recommitment and joy inspired by the feel of a new day dawning. I think it's fair to say that I've never been choked up so many times before 6:30 a.m.
Eventually, I peeled myself away from the television and went to the gym, where I watched the coverage continue and the crowd in D.C. grow ever larger. In a moment that I still have not been able to fully mentally synthesize, hip-hop artist and actor Bow Wow offered commentary on the meaning of this day from CNN studios in the capital. One day, I'm sure I'll know what to make of that.
(Don't call him "Little") Bow Wow aside, I am so excited to see so many of my fellow Americans so fired up about our nation and our future. May the hope and pride of this day persevere to be part of every day to come for us and for people all over the world.
I unintentionally awoke at about 5:00 this morning and was unable to go back to sleep. I don't know if it was out of excitement for today's inauguration, because I went to bed early in preparation for an early morning workout, or just because I'm dumb. I was awake, though, for good and decided to go downstairs and see what inaugural coverage was already on. I was glued to the tv screen as I watched crowds pouring onto the National Mall as the sun rose behind the Capitol. It was an incredibly meaningful and moving view of hope and excitement, recommitment and joy inspired by the feel of a new day dawning. I think it's fair to say that I've never been choked up so many times before 6:30 a.m.
Eventually, I peeled myself away from the television and went to the gym, where I watched the coverage continue and the crowd in D.C. grow ever larger. In a moment that I still have not been able to fully mentally synthesize, hip-hop artist and actor Bow Wow offered commentary on the meaning of this day from CNN studios in the capital. One day, I'm sure I'll know what to make of that.
(Don't call him "Little") Bow Wow aside, I am so excited to see so many of my fellow Americans so fired up about our nation and our future. May the hope and pride of this day persevere to be part of every day to come for us and for people all over the world.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Nothing Like It
There is nothing like a dream to create the future.
-Victor Hugo
MLK certainly would have agreed with Hugo on this, as he found it important to share his dream - not just in the famous speech, but in all his speeches and work - with his fellow citizens. And King's dream has, indeed, served to create the future - our present. That we are inaugurating Barack Obama President of The United States tomorrow is not proof of "the dream" realized, but it is undeniable proof that some dreams from days of old comprise today's reality - things that once could not be now are.
Dr. King would be proud of this progress, but would be quick to remind us that Obama's election (or anyone's, for that matter) to our highest office is meaningless if he doesn't lead with love, spiritual integrity, and an insatiable hunger for justice and peace. Consider MLK's words, below...
I am not interested in power for power's sake, but I'm interested in power that is moral, that is right and that is good.
Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal.
The hope of a secure and livable world lies with disciplined nonconformists who are dedicated to justice, peace and brotherhood.
We may have all come on different ships, but we're in the same boat now.
Means we use must be as pure as the ends we seek.
Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable... Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals.
An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.
A genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus.
The greatest connection between MLK's birthday, celebrated today, and tomorrow's inauguration is not that our first African-American President will be sworn into office. The connection is that we have elected a leader who recognizes the wisdom in MLK's words, who will illustrate those words with Presidential actions, and who will ask every American and every citizen of the world to do it, too.
Let us all join him in pursuing the dreams of prosperity and goodness, justice and peace. May God bless you (for reading ZiggyBackRide) and may God continue to shower blessing upon The United States of America.
-Victor Hugo
MLK certainly would have agreed with Hugo on this, as he found it important to share his dream - not just in the famous speech, but in all his speeches and work - with his fellow citizens. And King's dream has, indeed, served to create the future - our present. That we are inaugurating Barack Obama President of The United States tomorrow is not proof of "the dream" realized, but it is undeniable proof that some dreams from days of old comprise today's reality - things that once could not be now are.
Dr. King would be proud of this progress, but would be quick to remind us that Obama's election (or anyone's, for that matter) to our highest office is meaningless if he doesn't lead with love, spiritual integrity, and an insatiable hunger for justice and peace. Consider MLK's words, below...
I am not interested in power for power's sake, but I'm interested in power that is moral, that is right and that is good.
Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal.
The hope of a secure and livable world lies with disciplined nonconformists who are dedicated to justice, peace and brotherhood.
We may have all come on different ships, but we're in the same boat now.
Means we use must be as pure as the ends we seek.
Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable... Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals.
An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.
A genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus.
The greatest connection between MLK's birthday, celebrated today, and tomorrow's inauguration is not that our first African-American President will be sworn into office. The connection is that we have elected a leader who recognizes the wisdom in MLK's words, who will illustrate those words with Presidential actions, and who will ask every American and every citizen of the world to do it, too.
Let us all join him in pursuing the dreams of prosperity and goodness, justice and peace. May God bless you (for reading ZiggyBackRide) and may God continue to shower blessing upon The United States of America.
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