Cell Phone Danger

Hello riders! Sorry for the pause. I've missed you. Personal update: retirement is great. I'm in New Orleans visiting friends right now. Hoping to do stand-up tonight for the first time in Louisiana. We'll see. Comedy's going very well. Performed four straight nights last week. Spending that much time in clubs is killing me, though. Too much smoke. I'll be dead soon. Sad.

When I was driving down here I spend a lot of time on the phone. I know that's not supposed to be too safe - driving while you're talking. We've got all sorts of technology now that's designed to make us safer. Like the little wireless headsets for cell phones. Everybody's got these little things in their ears so that they can keep their hands on the wheel when they're driving. Are we safer because of these? Hell no. I don't know what impact these devices are having on car accident incidents, but I know we're not safer. These things are putting us in harm's way because we can't tell who's crazy anymore.

It used to be that if you saw somebody talking out loud and no one else was around, you knew - psycho. Now, if you see somebody talking and no one else is around, they might be crazy... or they might be a business man. There's no way to know. So now the crazy people are just mixed right in with the rest of us. It's very scary.

Not only are these things putting us in danger, but also in embarrassing situations. Have you ever had someone talk to you and you respond, and then you realize they weren't talking to you? They're just on the phone. That's no good. You're in a store looking at stuff and someone walks up next to you and you hear them say, "Which one do you like?"

You don't really look at them, you just launch right into your answer. "Well, I'm hardly the one to ask. I can't use the latex ones because of a skin allergy. And the normal sizes don't fit me.*"

Then you hear the person next to you say, "Hold on." So you stop talking and you look at him. And he looks at you. And finally, he points to the little thing in his ear and mouths the words, "I'm on the phone."

Right then, a little piece of your heart dies because you've just caught a glimpse of how big a jackass you can be... without even trying.


* We were shopping for dishwashing gloves. Sickos.