Happy New Year!

Just taking a moment to wish all ZiggyBackRiders (and everyone who hasn't yet caught on) a very happy and healthy 2008. The staff here at ZiggyBackRide hopes you will have a safe and successful year, and that you will visit often and encourage others to join us here in our special place for observation, entertainment, education (I realize I am throwing this term around rather loosely), thought, and fun.

I'm not big on new years resolutions*, but I'm a big fan of reflection and improvement. May this new year bring you closer to your greatest potentialities, and may you become more and more capable of - and successful at - building the world of your dreams.

I'm looking forward to sharing the next 366 days** with you!

*Whatever you wish were better in your life, it's not 2007's fault!
**It's a leap year. Get ready for a long, LONG February!

Election '08: ZiggyBackRide Decides

The campaign for the White House is for real now. It has, of course, been going on for what seems like decades already, but next week decisions actually start getting made. The Iowa caucus takes place just a couple days into 2008, followed closely by the New Hampshire primary.

During the next 10 months, the staff here at ZiggyBackRide expects to share many thoughts regarding the candidates and the campaign for the highest office in the land.

Early thoughts...

I like Hillary Clinton more than I thought I would so far. She seems experienced and capable and, amongst the Democratic frontrunners, presidential. I used to think that my only interest in her for President could be summed up in the following five words: First Lady William Jefferson Clinton.*

Barack Obama is, to date, Hillary's top challenger for the Democratic Party nomination. I think his lack of experience may hold him back, though. I've heard more than a few refer to Obama as being "too green." I just think it's great that, after generations of struggle and gradual progress, our society is finally so colorblind.

On the Republican side, Mitt Romney has emerged as a strong candidate. He made news a few weeks ago with his address regarding religion in American leadership and his beliefs as a Mormon. Critics' reviews of the speech were mixed, but I understand his wives loved it, saying they "can't wait to be the 1st through 4th ladies of the United States."

More in-depth coverage of Election '08: ZiggyBackRide Decides coming soon.

*It's tough being a genuinely concerned and interested American citizen AND a stand-up comic because the things the comic part of me wants to happen are usually not good for the citizen part. I'm hoping the citizen part can convince the comic part that it has had its turn these past seven years.

The Agony And The Ecstasy

A:Yesterday, Southwest Airlines lost my luggage on my way to a wedding.
E:The bag was found and was just delivered to my hotel in time for me to be properly dressed and on time to tonight's ceremony (provided I compose this quickly!)

A:I shopped at Wal-Mart yesterday afternoon for a last-minute rehearsal dinner outfit.
E:I've never looked so good for $21.

A:I was on an unneccesary shopping trip at Wal-Mart, spending money I hadn't planned to spend, buying clothes I shouldn't have needed.
E:The Wal-Mart happened to be located in Austin, TX and happened to carry an extensive line of low-priced Texas Longhorns apparel.

A:Texas lost in basketball today, at the last second, to Wisconsin. It was a game the Horns should have/could have won.
E:I was there!

A:I have eaten migas* twice in less than 24 hours.
E:I have eaten migas* twice in lees than 24 hours.

*Migas are a tex-mex breakfast dish consisting of eggs, cheese, tortillas, onions, and tomatoes (depending on recipe). They are tasty. I'm not completely convinced they're good for you.

The Journey Is The Thing

It started on September 1st of this year (see post from that day)and it ends tonight. As always, it has been glorious. I write, of course, about the football season for The University of Texas Longhorns.

This season has had its ups and downs as the team has experienced some growing pains. We* took losses against teams that we should have beaten (I'm talking about you, Kansas State, and you, too, A&M) and had some close calls against others. Of course, sometimes the close calls are where the magic happens. The comeback wins against Oklahoma State (again!) and Nebraska had me just as much on edge as any game in our national championship season two years ago.

In the end, only one team ** will win the national championship and the favorite team of almost every fan doesn't win it each year. But fans remain fans. We continue to care because every week there is a great story and a great battle. The worst teams have the chance to get a huge win. The best teams have the chance to march on toward history. There are berths in bowl games and slots in weekly polls to be earned. There's school pride. Recruiting battles. Rivalries. There are great comebacks, upsets (see this whole season), and unbelievable plays.

Today, I ate my last orange food of the 2007 college football season. As I write, I'm watching Texas play Arizona State in the Holiday Bowl, where both teams will end their seasons. The Horns won't be national champs this year, but it has been exciting and we seem to be on the way to yet another 10-win season and we will look forward to next year, when the journey begins anew. It will be a long eight months. Thank goodness for college basketball***.

* Some don't think anyone but coaches and players should use the pronoun "we" in reference to a sports team. I believe those people don't know what it means to be a real fan. Watching a game the way I do is hard work!
** If Hawaii should win the Sugar Bowl, it is possible that AP voters will choose to vote them national champions, creating a split title with the winner of the BCS Championship. There could be two champs.
*** My top 5 favorite sports to follow: 1) College Football; 2) College Basketball; 3) MLB; 4)NFL; 5)NBA (I still never did the list of favorite sports movies, but this is something, at least.)

An Outsider's Perspective

I hope everyone had a very nice Christmas and I hope that the spirit of the season - the giving, sharing, and fellowship - will not fade, but will last until next December and become even stronger as the years go by.

There are a few things about the big holiday and the way it is celebrated that I just simply do not understand. Stockings are a big one. It's a tradition whose roots and/or reasons don't occur to me automatically. Was there just a household, one time, that had nowhere to put the gifts?

"Honey, where can we put these? Oh wait, I know! Is there any extra footwear lying around?"

It does seem to have created a nice code word for crappy gifts: "stocking stuffer." Some stocking stuffers are nice gifts, but it's a very, VERY broad category! You know what I think makes the perfect stocking stuffer? A foot. Now that's something you don't want to wake up and find hanging from the mantle.

I like when people threaten children that they may get coal in their stockings. If I were a kid, I would certainly be tempted to say to my parent, "Fine! Put coal in my stocking. That's just what I want!" Because where the hell are they going to get coal? I mean, who has coal just lying around in case a kid is naughty?!?*

I'm also not too sure about the need to bring a tree into the house for a few weeks and I am absolutely unclear on the idea behind egg nog. Perhaps we'll discuss those next year.

* I would strongly caution children in West Virginia against this type of sass. They have coal in those parts.

Question of the Day/ A Legal Matter, Baby*

We haven't done one of these in a while. This one came to mind as I made a short drive from my home to my office during which I think I may have technically broken three traffic laws. It's also on my mind as I have done some year-end tax planning and, in researching some options, found out about things I'm supposed to have been doing, but did not previously know about. So here's the question...


Is it reasonably possible for an American to be a completely law-abiding citizen?

I love laws. I believe in them and their power to provide the framework for the society in which we wish to live. I believe in their ability to “establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity.”**

But do we have too many laws? Federal. State. Local. Tax. Civil. County. Traffic. Have we made so many rules about so many things that it is not even possible to follow them all?

This would make a good book - a citizen's quest to follow all the rules. It may already exist. If you know of any such work or of a situation in which following one law causes you to break another, please let us all know using the comment feature below. If you steal this idea and write the book, please send me a copy.

Those of you who worship in the shadow of the Cross should not let this question and the pondering thereof interfere with a wonderful Christmas. Everyone else... get on it!

* Title of this post comes from a song called “A Legal Matter,” by what I recall having been my very first favorite band, The Who.

** Quote is from the Preamble to the U.S. Constitution.

Fortunate Son

Got an interesting fortune from a cookie the other day. Ready?

An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly!

Have the fortune writers branched out from philosophical wisdom and obvious works of non-fiction (see fortune I received reading, "Everyone agrees. You are the best.")? Is science fiction the future of fortunes? Or will I come to wish that this fortune had been fiction? (Will we have to fight, once again, for our independence? Not from tyranny, oppression or persecution; from annihilation. We'll be fighting for our right to live. And should we win the day, the 14th of December will no longer be known as a ZiggyBackRide holiday, but as the day when the whole world declared in one voice, "We will not go quietly into the night! We're not going to vanish without a fight!" We're going to live on. We're going to survive. Today... we celebrate our independence day!*) Or maybe one wayward fortune writer just got hold of granny's cough syrup and wrote under the influence.

Just in case he was on to something and new friends from other planets are on the way, I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome them to the ZiggyBackRide, Earth's finest** blog! Enjoy your stay! Oh, and don't kill me.

More on aliens soon. Stay tuned.

*Adapted from President Whitmore's inspiring address to the ragtag group of fighter pilots preparing to take on alien invaders in the movie, Independence Day.

**According to a survey of the ZiggyBackRide staff.

And Now In Sports...

Welcome to ZiggyBackRide Sports, where you'll hear the ZBR take on major and exceedingly minor happenings in the world of sports. We turn first to Jewish men's league basketball, where Michael "Ziggy" Danziger is on two teams that are headed for the playoffs. Please note: every team makes the playoffs.

In the 30 and over league, my team is the number one seed in the tournament, looking to finish off the year with a championship. Playoffs began Sunday while my team enjoyed a bye week to prepare for our semi-final matchup next week. In the 18 and over league, my team ruined an unblemished record in our final regular season game by picking up our first win of the season. I've been on some very good teams and some very bad ones. This is a new low. Stay tuned for tourney progress.

And now, in college football: pairings for the BCS bowls were announced last night. Never has the case been more plainly stated for a college football playoff or, at least, a plus-one system. I have never really been in favor of a playoff for two main reasons. 1) It is hard to imagine college football being any more enjoyable than it already is. Sure, it's a wacky system, but it's still fantastic and the wackiness may, in fact, be part of the fun. 2) No system is perfect. Anyone who thinks a playoff won't cause controversy and will automatically crown the best team is kidding himself. (I'll concede here that, given two imperfect systems, it may be preferable for the matter to be settled on the field. Score one for the playoff.)

In college basketball, how about those Texas Longhorns? Having sent rookie of the year frontrunner, Kevin Durant, on to the NBA, the Horns are finding out just how much the rest of the team can do. Steadily climbing the rankings, they are undefeated with two wins over top 5 opponents. Maybe this is the year I get to see Texas and Memphis play for the national title. If only there were a BCS equivalent in basketball instead of that stupid tournament!*

And finally, speaking of tournaments, my comedy career has taken a turn for the odd. Or perhaps, I should say "odds." I will be emceeing Grand Casino - Tunica's Championship 100K Slot Tournament series beginning next Saturday. I have no idea how a slot tournament works or why anyone would want to be in one or how I will refrain from making fun of the event and its participants. I'll certainly keep you posted as this unfolds.

*I love the NCAA Basketball tournament. It is one of the greatest things in the world.

What A Rush!

My November/December Rush (see last post) is not off to the blistering start that I had imagined pre-Thanksgiving. Time to change that...

First of all, speaking of Thanksgiving, I hope yours was very good. As always, know that the staff here at ZiggyBackRide is very thankful for you. We enjoy the opportunity to share whatever the hell you would call the stuff that gets shared here with you, and look forward to doing so for a long time to come.

In other Thanksgiving related news, I made my triumphant return to the vegetarian comedy stage at an annual vegan Thanksgiving feast in Memphis. This was my second time performing for the Food Awareness organization's annual extravaganza and I was honored to be back. It is always a special privilege to be in the presence of a group that is as committed and effective as Food Awareness. As I told them, I'm so impressed with the work they've done: I spoke with a number of people in the days leading up to the event and every single one of them was, in fact, aware of food. Kudos to them for getting the word out.

In addition to the fine members of Food Awareness, I was honored to be in the presence of a lama, (No, not the misspelled animal, but a Tibetan monk. No, not the Dalai one, but seemingly a very good one.) who came to partake in the feast and funniness. As I recollect, that was my first performance before a lama. He seemed to enjoy himself and I assure you, I'm very much looking forward to future opportunities to make the lamas laugh.

November/December Rush

So begins a year-end onslaught of ZiggyBackRide posts. Break's over!

I saw August Rush the other night at a Memphis sneak preview showing. The trailer and commercials made it look like it was going to be a good movie. Several times during the film, itself, it looked as though it was about to get good.

It did not.

Just like when I saw The Village a couple of years ago, I couldn't stop laughing at the end. Just like The Village, August Rush is not a comedy. While I was laughing, I was worried that the others in my party (they were girls) were enjoying it and would be offended by my insensitivity.

They were not, and they were not, respectively (and, considering we all agreed on the movie, I was not. Got that?).

There was some decent music, there were good looking actors/actresses, there was a cute little kid in a supporting role. There were touching themes and moments, and a few humorous lines. Otherwise, it was crap. No part of the story was believable. Evidently, one Hollywood writer went on strike a little early.*

I just saw a commercial that quotes some reviewer as having said, "Audiences will stand and cheer." I don't recommend seeing this movie, but if you do, please let me know (via the comment feature)if the audience stands and cheers. Then, I will laugh again.

* It might have been two or three writers. However many wrote the movie, that's how many struck early, okay?

The American Product

In contrast to the last post concerning what Americans take in, look at this bright, shining example of what we put out. This really makes me laugh. Plus, it's a fine way to learn bad words in a foreign language (which, for some reason, is what we always end up asking anyone who has mastered another tongue).

I don't know if or how my posting this meshes with the last post. It may not quite live up to the lofty brainfood I envisioned, but as they say, Rome wasn't built in one blog post. Enjoy...

Video

I did sort of hope English would become one of the foreign languages within the song once this little ditty was translated. No dice.

By the way, in case you are not familiar with this and would like to see the English version, click here. It's not family-friendly.

The American Appetite

According to TMZ, a popular entertainment news/gossip outfit, Britney Spears loves her fast food. I heard the report on the radio this morning, replayed by the local station that usually provides the soundtrack to the first 30 to 60 minutes of my day. The report contained audio of Spears ordering various value meals and other items at various "quick service" eateries and then provided nutritional content (calories and fat grams) of everything she ordered. The story included some 5000 calories worth of menu items.

I was disgusted.

I was disgusted not by the food and the contents, thereof, but by the fact that I was hearing about it. I was, and am, disgusted by the fact that the message we have sent, as a society, is that we want to know about this. We WANT to know what Britney Spears orders and we WANT to hear someone make fun of her for how fattening it is.

Much is made of Americans' taste for unhealthy foods and our growing waists and weights. Rightly so. We happily poison our bodies by choosing cheap and tasty over wholesome and nutritious all too often.

In much the same way, we should go further out of our way to decry and disown our taste for unhealthy information and our shrinking hearts, souls, and minds. We happily poison those by gobbling up (and therefore communicating our hunger for more of) the "cheap and tasty" dishes served up by TMZ and others like them.

The big difference between our unhealthy food cravings and our unhealthy info cravings is that the gossip is more harmful, by far. Like second-hand smoke, it passes from person to person in the form of "interesting conversation," doing the same damage to everyone who listens and repeats, while a cheeseburger's direct and most profound damage ends with the one who eats it.

Consider, too, the sources of our sinful tastes. While many fast food items are unhealthy, I would say that the process of creating and serving them is far healthier than the process of gathering and distributing gossip news. To make a hamburger is to provide food - a natural human inclination addressing a natural human necessity (and it is, for many, an early chance to learn to work in a professional atmosphere). To make a story about a troubled music star's questionable diet is to go against all that human experience, moral development, and ethical living have taught us about how to treat other people. You can not produce that story without sacrificing goodness, stunting your soul, and polluting a society.

So what do we do? Unfortunately, the best answer is the frustrating one we all got as kids when someone was bothering us. Ignore it. TMZ will be around as long as we will listen. Don't listen to Hollywood gossip and don't talk about it. It doesn't make you smarter, healthier, wealthier, or happier. (In fact, I am often astounded at how unbelievably stupid, assinine, and shallow people sound when they talk about celebrity dogs, relationships, etc.) Instead, it gobbles up the moments of life that could be spent on efforts or people or conversations that are truly important.

Ignore it and help others do the same. You don't have to be a crusader, but it would not be wrong to steer conversations away from insidious topics. It would be considered helpful (if done in the right way) to help someone eat nutritionally and it is just as noble to encourage healthy thought and discussion.

We have control only over ourselves, but we can set the example for others by caring at least as much about the strength and capacity of our hearts and souls as we do about the size of our bellies. Better living leads to better lives. So does reading ZiggyBackRide.

Me and My Purple Car, Vol. 3

This was the scene at 9:13 p.m. Central time on Sunday, October 14th, 2007, just north of mile marker 224 on northbound Interstate 55 in Mississippi. Amid much fanfare, me and my purple car celebrated completion of our 100,000th mile together.*

The drive was a bit nervewracking, as I feared all the pre-milestone hoopla could prove to have been premature and that my outstanding automobile would suffer an untimely demise before reaching the highly anticipated mark. All was well, though, and a celebration befitting the moment was enjoyed by all (read: me).

The big moment even had its own soundtrack, including (I'm gonna be) 500 Miles by The Proclaimers, one of the ZiggyBackRide staff's very favorite songs and the Main Theme from Star Wars, which was playing as the odometer turned. As I pulled the car over to snap the above photo, Texas Fight, the University of Texas fight song, came pouring forth from the speakers and, finally, as the jubilation began to subside and I was able to reflect on what had been accomplished, One Shining Moment played while a retrospective of the car's life played in my head, much like the video scrapbook of each NCAA basketball tournament that accompanies the song as each hoops season comes to its end. I remembered the Accord as a baby, when it was scarcely larger than a Civic** and all the moments between then and now, that have each been such a special part of the ride.

A few facts about the first 100,000 miles...

- Well over 12,000 of the miles have been driven along I-55, between Memphis and Jackson, MS. That is the very same stretch along which the six-digit mark was reached. That is 30 round trips between the two cities - a modest estimate. Often, those trips were part of longer journeys to or from New Orleans or other parts of Louisiana, or Utica, MS. Sometimes, they were specifically Memphis-Jackson.

- I have driven the car in these states: Tennessee, Mississippi, Arkansas, Alabama, Louisiana, Missouri, Illinois, and Kentucky. I'm pretty sure that's it. Each of those states is or borders one of the two states in which I've lived during my ownership of (though I prefer partnership with) this vehicle. Illinois is the exception. I was there very briefly on December 6, 2006 (see post from that day).

- The city that has never been my actual destination that I have visited most often is Grenada, MS. Located almost exactly half-way between Memphis and Jackson, Grenada is a frequent rest, bathroom, fuel, and/or snack stop for me. Good ol' exit 206 has much to offer the traveler, but besides the array of gas stations, convenience stores, fast food establishments, Super Wal-Mart, and a few other spots along a one-mile stretch just off the Interstate, I have no idea what you might find in this town. I believe there is a lake.

- There is a white cowboy hat in the trunk. It has been in the trunk or in the back seat for at least 40,000 miles. You never know when you might need a big, white cowboy hat.

- The historic tank of gas, described in Volume 2 of this series, did, in fact, get me to - and well beyond - the 100,000 mile mark. The tank yielded 29.015503 miles per gallon. Not bad.

* First of all, me know that this sentence should be about "I" and not "me", but me wanted to stick with the title of the series, so BACK OFF! Second, the car and I didn't spend the whole 100,000 miles together. I believe there were some 60 miles on it already when we became an item.

** The car didn't really start small and grow. That was a lie, but you get nostalgic at times like these, you know?

The journey continues....

Me and My Purple Car, Vol. 2

Welcome to the second in what should be an entertaining and heart-warming series of posts about my automobile, on the occassion of passing the 100,000* mile mark. As it stands, we're at 99,654 with a weekend roadtrip that begins tonight. Depending on whose car is used for part of the trip, the 100k barrier could be broken as soon as tomorrow morning. More likely, we'll reach this historic MILEstone on Sunday afternoon.

I realize, of course, that discussing this right now could jinx the whole damn thing and the car - a 1999 Honda Accord LX, which is technically "raisin pearl" colored - might die at 99,999. Boy, would the staff here at ZiggyBackRide be pissed!**

Today, a mere 353 miles short of the mark, I filled the tank with 13.7 gallons of gasoline. With highway miles coming, that should be the historic fill-up that puts us into six-digit range. That would require an average of 25.766423 (this is no time for rounding) which - ready SUV owners? - should be no problem. For the record, the gasoline was unleaded, 87 octane, and it was purchased at the MAPCO Express at the northeast corner of Summer Avenue and North Perkins Road in Memphis, TN. It cost $2.599/gallon.

Check back for updates on the march*** to 100,000, and for more of the incredible story of "Me and My Purple Car." Upcoming volumes will explore how I came to have a purple car, what me and my purple car have done/where we have gone together, guest drivers, things stored in the trunk, and more! Stay tuned.

* I know what you're thinking: "In keeping with the ZiggyBackRide Hundred tradition, shouldn't we celebrate 100,000 at 101,000?" No.

** Partly because it would mean buying a new car. Mostly because it would put a real damper on upcoming posts in this series. This is meant to be a celebration of life, not a memorial.

*** We will mostly be driving toward 100,000, rather than marching, as I'm lazy and the car, while purple, does not have feet.

Me And My Purple Car, Vol. 1

I have a purple car.

Four Seconds

Does anyone who watched the Texas/Oklahoma football game know what happened to the last four seconds? It was a great game and congratulations to OU, but I thought Texas was about to get one more shot to tie it. Then, all of a sudden (it took about 4 seconds), the remaining time ran off the clock and the referee just sort of shrugged, as if to say, "Wellll.... close enough." And it was over.

Texas had very little chance of doing anything of real consequence and this isn't something I will complain about long-term, but I'm rather curious.

If the time legitimately ran off the clock and Texas was just standing around (which is possible judging by several delay of game penalties to start drives), then shame on us.

It was a very entertaining game and I'm proud of how the Longhorns played. Unfortunately, we blew last week's game, so this one's a killer. Very sad. Did the Littlest Longhorn Fan buy all that orange food and drink (see "The Adventure Begins" - Sept. '07) for nothing? Absolutely not. It was delicious.

Happy Election Day, Memphis. Hope you like crap!*

Today was election day in the great city of Memphis. Inexplicably, the people of Memphis (of which I am not one - I live in Germantown) have re-elected Mayor W.W. Herenton to a record fifth term. He is not a good mayor.

That is not one man's opinion. That is undisputable fact... in one man's opinion. (But many, many other one mans and womans agree. Even, I suspect, many who voted for him.)

Even if no other mayor could have done a better job over the last several years - which I doubt very seriously - any decent leader could have made people feel that they were better represented and that their interests were better served. I'm sorry that the voters of Memphis - driven largely by race, rather than by interest in strong leadership or a better community - have decided to be satisfied with his poor service. Race will be a dividing factor in this city until people stop letting it be. That's it. Plain and simple. Vote for good leaders and good leaders will be elected. That's how it works.

In the process of revising the city charter, there has been a lot of support expressed for term limits for the office of mayor, mostly because of the extreme dissatisfaction with this administration. Assigned the anti-term limits position, I made a group presentation to my peers in a community leadership program in which I argued against the institution of term limits. I argued, and believed in my heart, that term limits also limit the freedom of the citizenry to elect its leaders. They are an easy way out, designed to protect us from ourselves. They are wrong.

I still feel that way in principle, but tonight I am reminded that voters often are not responsible enough to be trusted with the future of their own communities. It is a horrible statement about us, but it is, as evidenced by tonight's returns, regrettably true.

I would be very happy, years from now, to look back and say that I was wrong and that the voters who re-elected the mayor were right. I would be glad to see him and, as a result, our community succeed. I will not, however, be holding my breath. Instead, I call upon every citizen to be committed to building a community where people can safely and happily make a living and make a life. It is, after all, the choices and actions of individuals - not mayors - that determine whether communities are safe and successful or dangerous and deteriorated.

I'll do my best. Please do yours. And spread the word.

*The title of this post comes from a funny Saturday Night Live moment from the 90's. On "Weekend Update, " Norm MacDonald (I think it was Norm) announced that Kenny G had released a new Christmas album and exclaimed, "Happy Birthday, Jesus. Hope you like crap!" Everyone except Kenny G fans thought it was funny. (Translation: Everyone thought it was funny.)

Bicentennial Man

Welcome to the

ZiggyBackRide Bicentennial Celebration!!!

After a long wait, the 202nd post in the history of this historic blog has historically arrived! As you may know, the ZiggyBackRide Centennial was celebrated on the occasion of the 101st post, rather than the 100th, creating the tradition of the ZiggyBackRide hundred equaling 101 (much like a Baker's dozen is 13).

ZiggyBackPride: The Centennial Celebration was just over 20 months ago. Since then, the Ride has made 101 stops and has enjoyed the presence of some 8,800 riders. It has been an historic segment of the history historically presented herein.

In one of the ZBR (ZiggyBackRide) staff's favorite posts, we explored the universe in post #102 ("The Ultimate Insecurity") on February 1, 2006, and we explored less significant questions in posts like the one from Nov. 7, 2006.

We bade fond farewells to friends on Aug. 14, 2007 and Sept. 4, 2006, and we saw (parts of) the world on June 25th and July 3rd of 2007.

We suffered (May 18, 2006 and March 20th and May 17th of 2007) and we healed (June 13, 2006).

Greek was learned, comedy titles were earned.

BrickBreaker and Jewish men's league basketball were played

While hopes for basketball and baseball championships did fade.

Teen basketball and flag football got coached,

and one post, reprinted word for word, was totally poached.

We confronted superstitions on March 25th and October 22nd of 2006, and great tv and movie moments were relived on June 26th, July 28th, and August 22nd of this year. We celebrated America on July 4, 2006.

So much has happened. Look back. Read and enjoy. And don't ever forget where we have been together, for as it is said, "Those who forget the past are doomed to not know what the ZiggyBackRide is talking about when it repeats itself."

Now, we look forward to incredible things to come as we enjoy some historic scenes from the beginning of our history, our founding, 202 posts ago...

Chill Out, America!

Today, I learned that Americans are outraged about Burma*. I found this out from our own President George W. Bush, who relayed this information to the United Nations.

Burma?

Outraged?

Which Americans?**

In fairness, the President didn't actually say how many Americans, and if it's more than one, his statement was correct. However, in video of his address, obtained by the ZiggyBackRide staff, Bush makes it sound as though this outrage is rampant througout the Union.

I have long since given up on asking "what is he thinking" type questions, but I will take a moment to wonder what the President's staff thought would be gained by sending him into his highest profile address in some time to virtually ignore Iraq and to proclaim that Americans are outraged by what is happening in Burma. I was surprised that a roar of surprised and delighted laughter didn't erupt in the UN assembly when the President finished this statement. I would definitely have had to leave the room***. I do, however, look forward to seeing Jon Stewart's facial expression when the camera is back on him after this video is shown tonight.

* Also known as Myanmar. The US doesn't officially recognize that name.

**I'm sure there are some outraged Americans. As amazingly insane as it is that President Bush decided to represent this as a major concern of Americans before the UN, there is some ugly stuff going on in Burma. Americans would not be wrong to learn more and even decide they are, indeed, outraged. Currently, however, Burma appears way on down the list of items about which I, personally, am outraged. It is wedged in between the fact that no one seems to give Texas any chance of beating Oklahoma in football this year, and the fact that it is muggy today.

***Not out of disgust or protest, as the Cuban representative left, but so that my laughter, or my subsequently urine-filled pants, wouldn't disrupt the session.

The Dumpster Duo

I've seen some great/interesting things in my neighborhood over the years (see posts from Aug. 1, 2007 and Feb. 16, 2006). The next in this line of intriguing scenes came today when I came home from the first game of a new 30 and over Jewish men's league basketball season (which my team one, but during which I airballed another free throw - that's 3 in my last 4 or 5 games!) to get ready to go see The Lion King* (on stage). I drove into my parking lot to find the following scene.


Can't read the sign? Take a closer look...





I do love the idea of the lazy, unneighborly discarder of the mattress being called out by the neighborhood conscience, who knows it's wrong to make a mess, but who thinks nothing of hanging a sign on a dumpster calling the mess "retarded."** Welcome to the neighborhood!


This is post #200. Look for the ZiggyBackRide Bicentennial Celebration at post #202. Congratulations to us all!

* The Lion King was very good. I'm a fan of the movie and this was my first time seeing it on stage. Amazing costumes and good music. I did actually think the staging was a little messy, at times, but overall, very enjoyable. I'll have to think about where it ranks among major musicals I've seen. The show was part of a strange Sunday for me. Early basketball game, then The Lion King, after which I hurried to Temple to teach an 11th/12th grade class about God, and then to a bar in Midtown for a meeting about setting up housing options for families of patients at a local children's hospital. Where does a fun, odd, rewarding day like that come from, anyway?!?

** Speaking of the high schoolers, I have noticed, of late, that a lot of kids are, first of all, using the word "retarded" and, second, misspelling it. I see "retarted" a lot. If you insist on throwing that word around, I feel like it's one you really need to be able to spell correctly.

Abbott and Costello's Municipal Madness

I'm watching the late local news following the opening game of the NFL season. I don't watch often and I'm thinking that my civic pride and my sanity are much better off as a result.

Memphis mayor Willie Herenton, known less and less as a concerned community leader, and more and more as an arrogant man who believes he is entitled - possibly by the Lord, our God -
to the position of Memphis mayor, was asked why his campaign t-shirts have a slogan on the back that is the name of a profane rap song. His response, and a point which he proudly presented, was that he doesn't know about the song, but that the reporter obviously does. Interesting! No. Fascinatingly, hideously stupid. Way to "Shake The Haters Off," Mr. Mayor.

He was then asked why he has not accepted any invitations to debate his opponents. He actually answered that it was because he would destroy the others because he has so much more experience with debating. They are lucky, he says, that he has chosen to sit the debates out.

This, of course, brings to mind the big-mouthed, cowardly bully who refuses to back up his words because "he'd beat the other up too badly." We've all seen someone like this in action (if not in person, then in The Breakfast Club when Judd Nelson's character backs out of a fight with Emilio Estevez's), and anyone with half a brain has recognized that the person is full of poop. Personally, I have only seen children and drunk people employ this strategy of running scared.

Mayor Herenton is not a child and didn't appear inebriated. I believe he is either stupid or - more likely and worse - he chooses to appeal to stupid people who are capable of buying such a load of crap. It is disgusting. He is likely to be re-elected. Wake up, Memphis! There's still time.

In other news, three employees of the Germantown* Performing Arts Center were fired this week for tying noose knots with excess rope on the Center's stage. According to the employees, those "hangman's noose" knots are often used in theaters to store hanging ropes. I don't know if that's true or not. Germantown city administrator Patrick Lawton defended the firings, saying, "This is very insulting to the African-American community. I can't imagine anything worse."

While I greatly appreciate Lawton's sensitivity to citizens of all colors, I must question his powers of imagination.

In yet other news, I have decided that I am okay with four-day work weeks. My office was closed on Monday, in observance of Labor Day, which I am convinced - after very little thought on the subject - is little more than a mediocre Abbott and Costello routine...

Time to go to work.
-We don't have to go today.
Why not?
-It's Labor Day.
Labor Day? What's that?
-A day to celebrate.
Celebrate what?
-Work.
So we're celebrating work?
-Sure.
Why?
-Work is good.
So why don't we go do it?
-Because it's Labor Day.

On Independence Day, we're free.
On Thanksgiving Day, we're grateful.
On Labor Day, we're... lazy. Nice.

*Germantown is the suburb of Memphis where I live. Mayor Herenton is not my mayor, but as Memphis looks idiotic, so do its suburbs. I really like this community. I think it's a great place to live and has a lot to offer. I would like to keep it that way.

The Adventure Begins

As I begin writing this 198th post of ZiggyBackRide, it is 11 minutes until the beginning of College Gameday, the college football preview show to which I look forward each week of the glorious season that begins, in earnest, today. It's time! We must protect this house!*

I am not only excited about Gollege Gameday, though. I am excited about the college games that make it possible. Tonight, a new season of Texas Longhorn football begins and the excitement is building in my home, which is a sanctuary for Longhorn spirit (as well as for wayward laundry and mail, and for the slowly dissipating smell of recently soaked carpet, but we'll focus on the Longhorn stuff for today, if that's okay with you).

The Longhorn Band waits to explode into song as soon as even the slightest pressure is applied to the "play" button. The orange candle is ready to burn, and - thanks to The Littlest Longhorn Fan, the Texas jersey koozie (I guess that's the word) that "watches" every game with me - orange food and drink are available.**

I salute you, Littlest Longhorn Fan, for your hard work in procuring the important foodstuffs that will enable the 'Horns to be victorious!

It was not easy for the little guy. He's not a licensed driver and he has no legs....

But he collected all the right stuff and earned the right to stand proudly atop the Gatorade....

He even took a minute to pose for a pic with old friends...

But, in the end, he might have overdone it. Here's The Littlest Longhorn Fan in the... ummm, well, that's my shower curtain behind him.***

Pace yourself, Littlest Longhorn Fan! This is a long adventure and there's no telling where it could lead....

* The old catchphrase from the Under Armor commercials that aired during College Gameday. We'll see if this year has new Under Armor genius in shore for us. I was under the impression that there would be a new College Gameday theme song this year, but the show just started and it was still Big and Rich with Cowboy Troy, offering me a little zing in my zang zang if I will but come along. Not sure what I think about that.

** If you are not familiar with this tradition, see "My Stitions ARE Super" post from October, 2006 or post Rose Bowl posts from January of 2005.

*** For some reason, everything just seemed to go right through him. This is the first time I've ever taken a picture of The Littlest Longhorn Fan on the toilet and you would think it'll be the last time. Not so fast, my friends. I simply can not promise that. It's still all about honesty here at ZiggyBackRide. Hook 'Em!

Ate Mor Chikin

There is a lot that I have to tell you, including my weekend trip to a team-building and leadership development center in Arkansas and including the fact that I am now the proud owner of a wet/dry shopvac, a new hot water heater, and some smelly carpet (the three items I own are, indeed, related and the battle between me and the carpet for the smell of my home is on. It will be an epic battle. I must win. Or else must will win.)

Those things, while incredibly interesting, are not what this post is about, though. This post is about the following:

That's right, ZiggyBackRiders, I have just returned home from all-you-can-eat nugget night at Chick-fil-A. My good friend, Kevin, and I had been seeing it advertised for this very night on the restaurant's marquee for the last couple of weeks. We thought, first to ourselves, and then aloud to one another, "Should we?"

Ignoring the obvious, correct answer to that question, we did. $10 was the cost* for all the nuggets, fries, and drink you wished to enjoy. A number of people took advantage of the "deal" - this was the first time I've ever had trouble finding parking at a Chick-fil-A.

The system was simple. You start with a 12 pack and a punchcard. The card has a 12, an 8, a 6, and five 4's on it. The 12 is punched when you take your first batch to the table. When you are ready for more, bring the card up, they punch the 8 and give you an 8 pack. Then the 6, then the 4's. The card system (left) takes you through nuggets 1-46. You don't have to stop at 46, though, as it is truly all you can eat (there was a kid next to us that was at 70 when we left - his table created the stack of boxes pictured above, left), but in the end, Kevin and I decided that 46 was a good** place to stop.

(Left: Kevin and I pose with our punched cards and our garbage. I appear sweaty, but that's just chicken coming out of my pores.

Right: My friend, Lauren, was also there - not so much eating, but supporting her friends, one of whom, the 70-eater, is pictured below.)

Now, this is all funny and tasty, but the Health and Science staff here at ZiggyBackRide wishes to convey that this is not healthy behavior. It is certainly not okay to engage in such activities on a regular basis and is probably not okay to ever eat in this way. If you must, be sure you aware of what you are putting in your body.

http://www.calorie-count.com/calories/item/110300.html

I carefully squeezed excess grease off each nugget, so I figure I saved a few grams of fat here and there. Not bad, eh? That's why I felt it was okay to skip the diet drink and go with Coca-Cola, or, as I like to call it, America in Liquid Form.

As I left the restaurant, I headed home and immediately began calling friends that would want to know about this adventure. I knew, all along, that it was messed up to do this, but I believe it might be even more ridiculous that friends from coast-to-coast would be excited to know. I didn't have long to talk to people, though...

(Left: Me in the bathroom.***)

* The cost was actually $10 plus tax plus several years off our lives.

** All the better places to stop had already been passed up. 46 was, at that point, as good as it could get.
*** This is the first time I've ever taken a picture of myself on the toilet. You'd think it'll be the last, too, but I simply can not promise that. It's all about honesty, folks.)

One Fine Day

Real Estate Q & A with Real Estate Mogul-in-Training, Michael "Ziggy" Danziger:

Q: How many property showings did you have scheduled today?
A: Three

Q: Not bad. How many did you go to?
A: Three

Q: Good. Just making sure! How much driving did you do to today get to and from these appointments?
A: I drove 73 miles.

Q: Wow! You know that's a rate of almost 27,000 miles a year? Is that normal?
A: It happens. That's a pretty heavy day of driving though. Two of these appointments were almost 30 miles away from my office.

Q: I see. Very interesting. And how much time did you spend traveling to and from, and being at these showing appointments?
A: Two hours and forty-seven minutes, plus a few minutes at the office preparing for each.

Q: That's a lot of the day, huh?
A: It was, indeed.

Q: Now, how many of these appointments did you solicit?
A: None of them. The meetings, and the times for which they were scheduled, were all requested by the other parties.

Q: And did they all show up?
A: No.

Q: You mean one of them didn't come to a meeting that they asked for?
A: I wish that's what I meant!

Q: What do you mean?
A: None of them came to the meetings that they asked for.

Q: None of them showed up?
A: Not a one.

Q: Is that normal?
A: More normal than you would think. Unless you think that a lot of people have very little consideration for other people's time and effort. Or unless you think that a lot of people really don't know how to use calendars. Or unless you don't think. Ever.

WHAT???

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/football/nfl/08/22/bc.fbn.vick.naacp.ap/index.html

I particularly like the last two lines of the story.

Why on earth would the NAACP be involved in this and why would they allow for the appearance of defending Michael Vick. The idea that this is some kind of racial issue is held by a number of insane sports talk radio callers and by several ridiculously stupid sounding athletes that have gotten on the air in Vick's defense, but I would think that the NAACP would be able to exercise better judgment.

Mr. White (and I do find it humorous that that is his name - makes me think of the old SNL video in which Eddie Murphy plays a white man and tries to get a loan under that assumed name), his crime is not that the dog was a dog. Dogs are dogs every day and people don't get indicted for it. Perhaps there's more to this story than "it was a dog." That's like saying a bank robber's crime is that the building was a bank. Jackass.

Super Funny. Super True?

I saw Superbad last night. I wasn't sure what to expect - clever hilarity in keeping with the highly enjoyable Knocked Up, or a super stupid quick follow-up to a hit. I'm pleased to report that I found it to be the former. Well, clever might be a bit of a stretch - I feel safe predicting that this will not be nominated for Best Picture - but hilarity is right on.

I laughed hard and out loud several times during the movie and I have done the same today as different lines and images have come back to me. This is a movie that will produce some popular catchphrases and that will be widely quoted by funny movie quoters.

Lest you think, though, - as previews and previous work by the key players would suggest - that this is simply a feature-length collection of immature references, gags, and gross-outs*, I am delighted to let you know that the movie even got across a decent message (in its own demented, but hilarious way). Anyone who is looking for meaning in this movie should probably go to a different movie, but insistent upon seeing this one, the searcher will find the case made that genuineness** and not gamesmanship is often the best way to build friendships and romances. We tend to come up with a lot of different tricks and tools for connecting with other people and winning them over when, in many cases, "just be yourself" and "honesty is the best policy"*** would save us time and embarrassment, and would make us more trusting and trustworthy.

Good work, Superbad!

* Just to be clear, it definitely was all of those things, but it was not ONLY those things.

** genuinity? Is there a form of genuine that describes the state of being genuine?

*** The staff here at ZiggyBackRide wishes to point out that cliches become cliches for a reason. They are said over and over again because they are found to be true over and over again. They should not, as they often are, be disregarded simply because they are cliche. If anything, they should usually be given extra heed.

Numbers Game

In my Jewish men's league basketball career, I have won
1 championship, unfortunately it was not
1 day ago. Instead, I lost my
3rd or
4th, I can’t remember. I scored
10 points, I think, but I needed to score
More. In other news, as of this writing, this site has had
13,015 visitors. We passed the
13,000 mark! Very exciting! My sincere thanks go out to the regular readers, all
7 of you, and to our periodic visitors, any of whom may eventually visit more than
Once in a while. We are nearing another ZiggyBackRide milestone. We’re almost at
200 posts! Who can forget the exciting ZiggyBackRide Centennial Celebration that accompanied number
100, well, actually number
101. We’ll celebrate again at
202.
101 is a ZiggyBackRide
Hundred, our clever version of a baker’s
Dozen. The excitement is beginning to build! Be ready!

P.S. on P.R.

I completely left out an important Phil Rizzuto connection to my world. Phil is the baseball announcer in the MeatLoaf song, "Paradise By the Dashboard Light." In the song, a very enjoyable one, Rizzuto does play-by-play on a baseball player rounding the bases - metaphor for sex. After the song's release, Rizzuto evidently claimed that he did not know his involvement would be connected to such lewdness, saying "I would do anything for Loaf, but I won't do that."

Rirruto? Those are Z's.

Legendary New York Yankees player and broadcaster, Phil Rizzuto, has died today. At 89, Rizzuto was the oldest living member of the Baseball Hall of Fame, to which he was inducted as a player, though he is, perhaps, now more well-known as a voice of the Yankees for 40 years.

As a player, Rizzuto spent 13 seasons with the Yanks, winning 7 world titles and the 1950 American League MVP. He was a five-time all-star.

I write about Phil Rizzuto not only because he was among the most prominent names and personalities in sports, but because of all the ways that, though we never met and I don't really know all that much about him, he has been part of my life.

1) The Yankees are, have always been, and likely shall always be my favorite baseball team. The "pinstripers" have no shortage of great baseball names in their history, but Rizzuto will always stand out for his excellent play, his excellent play-by-play, his commitment to the franchise, and his exceedingly long tenure therewith.

2) Rizzuto has appeared in/been referenced in two of my favorite modern comedy presentations. In Billy Madison, his name is given to Billy as a cursive practice word in Ms. Vaughn's 3rd grade class (the title of this post comes from this scene). I have always thought this scene is hilarious and has a very genuine feel to it. I never had to write Rizzuto on the blackboard, but I remember well the feeling of being stuck in front of the class and trying to come up with something that will work. Good filmmaking and funny, funny stuff.

Rizzuto also found his way into a Seinfeld episode when George accidentally drops his Phil Rizzuto keyring (which says Phil's catch phrase, "Holy Cow!") into a pothole that gets paved over.

3) My basketball team shocked the 30 and over Jewish basketball world last night, beating the #1 seed and prohibitive favorite to win the championship in a thrilling overtime battle. We will play for the championship next Monday! I realize this has very little to do with our friend Rirruto, but I would sure love to have heard his call when I airballed my 2nd freethrow in recent weeks. I've lost my way from the stripe. I'm like the new, old Rick Ankiel.

Bingo Anyone?

I keep a disorganized house. It is messy. No matter how much of it I throw away, there is mail everywhere. No matter how much I wash and put away, there is laundry everywhere. I am convinced that those two things are reproducing in my home, something with which I take issue (If they're going to live under my roof, they should live by my rules).

People offer me suggestions about how to get the house in order. Often, they suggest that a wife might be helpful. Perhaps they are right. I am hesitant to go with a solution, though, just because it is the only one suggested, so I decided to look into some other options. I believe I have found one that just might work...

I think I am going to move into one of these assisted living facilities you see everywhere. As the baby boomer generation ages, there are more and more of these lovely centers around. I believe that what they have to offer really meets a lot of my needs. I mean, what's not to like? Older people are nice and they seem to like me. There are nice apartments. They have staff that does stuff for you.

"Here's your mail, Mr. Danziger." See? Now, that's helpful.

"It's dinner time, Mr. Danziger." Helpful AND potentially tasty.

"We're here to change your diaper, Mr. Danziger." Exceedingly helpful... in case I decide to become a crazy astronaut. Or a sumo wrestler.

Unrelated Tidbits of Varying Importance

TIDBIT #1 Monday night marked the final regular season game for my 30 and over basketball team at the JCC. I had a decent game, but as a team, we were very, very bad. We'll have to get it together for tournament time. Memorable moment of the game: I airballed a free throw. AIRBALLED! A FREE TRHOW! I don't think I had done that since I was about 8 years old. It was good to be back.

TIDBIT #2 Steven A. Smith is an idiot. He is a sports commentator and I don't enjoy listening to him. I think his style is a rip-off of Chris Rock - or vice-versa, but I certainly knew who Chris Rock is first - and I think his takes are often dumb, wrong, and/or designed only to be argumentative or controversial. I don't know why he keeps getting more and more air time on tv and radio.*

* I didn't like Jim Rome at first, and now I'm a fan, so never say never, but it's not looking good for Smith.

TIDBIT #3 Tennessee is having a state sales tax holiday this weekend for back-to-school type items, including certain clothing and school supplies up to $100 and computers costing $1500 or less. The "holiday" lasts from 12:01 am Friday until 11:59 pm Sunday. More information on exempt items can be found at http://www.tntaxholiday.com/. Happy shopping and remember, if you are only buying stuff in order to help the state out, this weekend is not the time to shop.

TIDBIT #4 I walked outside of my condo the other day and saw this:

It just struck me as something you don't see everyday. I mean, it's a normal neighborhood. Most of my neighbors keep their swords with them at all times, rather than stowing them in the shrubbery.

I probably should have tried to pull the sword from the bush. It may have been the only way to prove that I am the rightful future king of the condo association.

Don't Have A Cow, But...

I saw Bart Simpson's penis tonight.

Don't let that stop you from seeing the movie. Funny stuff.

Kentucky Derby

850 miles in 33 hours*. I'm improving (see "Evangeline Getaway" post).

Sunday, I traveled to Lexington, KY**, with a friend and fellow comedian from Memphis. We went to compete in the Carnival Comedy Challenge, a contest whose winner performs aboard a Carnival Cruise. The challenge happens several times a year in different cities, and is a great chance for comedians to meet each other, and to meet with and be seen by club bookers (who can give us work and are, therefore, very powerful people in our eyes) and Carnival talent staff.

I did not win. The format is that all of the comics (there were 40-45 at this competition) perform for each other and the judges on night one and the judges choose finalists to perform the following night before an audience, which will choose the winner. Niether I nor my travel partner made the finals, cutting short our stay in the Lex.

The preliminary round is a very funny scene. As you may or may not know, comedians tend to be very unforgiving audiences for other comedians - i.e. the laughs are not forthcoming - especially when they are competing against one another. So forty or so comedians performed in a row, rapid-fire, before what was basically a completely quiet audience. There were snickers here and there, and a few hearty laughs, but mostly, we were just reciting our material, trying to not be awkward at the moments during which we would normally pause for laughter from an audience of actual people***.

There was certainly entertainment to be had, seeing so many funny people in one place, and there was entertainment on the road, too. We passed a number of wonderful landmarks, such as Nervous Charlie's, a store near the TN/KY border that advertises beer and fireworks. I'd be nervous, too, Chuckie. Not far from Nervous Charlie's, we saw Sad Sam's, an outlet advertising the same goods. Poor Sam is, evidently, living proof that Charlie has good reason for his jitters.

We passed a castle. Seriously. A castle. Have a look-see for yourself.

Ladies and gentlemen... The Castle Farm of Thomas R. Post. It's right outside Lexington on what ol' Tom Post correctly identified as the perfect place for a castle. Good call, Tommy.

We also saw the National Corvette Museum, located an hour or two southwest of Lexington right off I-65. If anyone can explain the design of this thing, by all means, use the comment feature and let me know the thinking behind this. (I understand the castle idea was already taken.)

Okay, this post is getting long, so I will bring it to a close and begin the asterisked footnotes for which I know you have been patiently waiting since the early paragraphs.

* 25.76 miles per hour, or 225,636 per year. You go, purple car!

** My comedian friend and I both wondered, seeing KY all over signs around Kentucky, if the state laments at all the increased advertising - over the past few years - of the KY line of personal products. We wondered whether the state had considered changing its official abbreviation, as it might bring different mental pictures to the minds of travelers (especially immature comedian ones) than it once did. FYI, according to several signs, KY bridges tend to get slippery in certain conditions. Be careful out there.

*** This experience was reminiscent of some of the comedy nights I experienced during Michael Ziggy Danziger's Bluff City to the Big City Stand Up Comedy Extravaganza 2005, or the MZDBCBCSUCE'05, for short (See posts from October, 2005).

Question of the Day

This is a ZiggyBackRide contest of sorts. The first person who can correctly identify what I'm referring to and offer a plausible answer to the question - using the comment feature, below - wins.

Why are they kicking the trees?

Shaq Attack!

I just saw one of the finest moments of television I've seen in a long, long time. I was flipping channels when I came across "Shaq's Big Challenge," a new series in which basketball star Shaquille O'Neal endeavors to help six obese teens lose weight. Tonight's episode may be the first.

I tuned in just in time to see one of the kids beginning one minute of sit-ups, with Shaq holding his feet. As he came upward for his first crunch, he (Hmmm, how shall I put this? There are so very many ways. In honor of the overeating that the kids have all admitted to and are now trying to curb...) cut the cheese. Quite audibly, I might add.*

Shaq: (still holding the kid's feet as the kid continues, with very little success, to do sit-ups) You just farted on me, Walter. You can't be farting on me, Walter.

This is going to be a very good show.

* Was it really necessary for them to keep this precious moment in the show? Not only is this poor kid on national television because he is so dangerously obese that Shaq had to be called in to rectify the situation, he has now farted on the sports icon for all of America to see (and hear). Have a great summer, kid!

Evangeline Getaway

I'm back from the bayou. This weekend I was at the wedding of two friends (which is always fun because you know the friends and family on both sides) in New Iberia, Louisiana. That's right... New Iberia. Of course, it also served as sort of a goodwill tour for me as the Funniest Jew in the Deep South. I got to see some of my constituents*. Heck of a trip to New Iberia, though. Heck of a trip.

I drove almost exactly 1,000 miles in a matter of 58 hours. Now, if you divide that by the hour, it's less than 20 miles an hour - not so impressive. If, however, you multiply that out over a year's time, it's just over 151,000 miles a year. That's kind of a big deal. It was yet another adventure shared with my "raisin pearl" colored Honda, which is nearing 100,000 miles. You'll hear more about me and my purple car as that milestone approaches. For now, I will tell you this: the car is 8 years old and I got 31 miles/gallon on this trip. I'm impressed.**

The road off I-10 that runs through Lafayette, LA and, eventually, through New Iberia is US Hwy 90, known there as the Evangeline Thruway. On one three mile stretch of the thruway, between Lafayette and my destination, I saw Ziggy's Grill AND Michael's Gentlemen's Club and Cafe***. What a fine stretch! I felt some serious name/nickname pride there for a few minutes. Had I not been unable to find my new camera when packing for the weekend, I'd have taken pictures of both. You'll just have to create a mental picture like our forebears did when regaled with such thrilling tales.

* Not only did I see a number of deeply Southern Jews at the wedding events, but when I stopped on the drive home to stretch my legs and get some snacks, I bumped into a couple I know at Wal-Mart in Brookhaven, MS! They used to volunteer at my summer camp and their children were campers when I worked there. They live in a small town nearby and were just doing their Sunday shopping. What a pleasure to bump into old friends at such a random stop!

** My wallet and bank account are also impressed.

*** Evidently, Michael's Gentlemen's Club and Cafe offers free lunch on Fridays between 11 a.m. and 4 p.m. Unfortunately, I was passing through on Friday afternoon at about 4:30. Free lunch. That could have been nice. If you are in the area, I'd definitely check it out. But only if you're a real gentleman.

Air Jor-dan(ziger)

It occurs to me that this site has been without update in the world of Jewish men's league basketball for quite some time. For that, I apologize most sincerely, and I shall seek to correct our little problem.... NOW!

I am, once again, playing in the 30 and over summer basketball league at the Memphis Jewish Community Center. This is the league I was built for*, the league for which I couldn't wait to qualify (I considered getting a fake i.d. that would allow me early entry when I was in my late 20's). I'm having a good season and so is my team. Interestingly, that is usually the case when i choose to update you on this part of my life. We're halfway through the season and cruising along at 4-1, tied for first place. Five more regular season games and then the tourney, the march toward 30 and over local Jewish sports glory. Rest ye assured, I'll be letting know how it all transpires.

* This is the only league - maybe on Earth - for which I am legitimately eligible and in which I am a 1st round draft pick. This is my NBA** and, judging by the ratings of the finals in the actual NBA, it could probably be yours, too. I love this game.

**Speaking of my NBA, I'd like to thank all of those who voted in ZiggyBackRide's recent poll/referendum on what the Grizzlies should do with the 4th pick in the upcoming draft. A majority of you said they should take me. That's nice! I didn't even vote for myself. I voted for taking names, but only after kicking butt. Agree to disagree?

Heir Jordan

The title of this post does not refer to LeBron James, who may well be the next coming of a Jordan-type figure in the NBA. It refers, instead, to the new holder of the precious title of Funniest Person in Memphis. Mary Jordan, talented comedian and FOZ (friend of Ziggy), is now reigning supreme over the Bluff City's comedy scene. Since she is a she, however, I suppose I can continue to be the funniest man in Memphis, which is not a real title, but is what most people assumed was my title when I actually held the title. Got that?

The Funniest Person in Memphis finals was a great show, with 15 strong contestants. I hosted and, as the show neared its end, I realized that I had no idea who would win - that several comedians could take it. It was a tough competition and, watching, I was glad I won when I did! There are some very funny people in this city! The crowd was great and overflowing - some were turned away! I like to take credit for that, as I never saw such a comedy crowd before my reign began. I also like to take credit for it because if I don't take it, no one will give it to me, for I don't really deserve it. Shhhh. Don't tell anyone.

During one exciting moment of the evening, I found myself in front of the standing room only crowd in my undies. Actually, in a tighter, briefier version of underwear than what I normally don, along with my Funniest Person... trophy around my neck as a Flav-style necklace. How this came to be is hard to explain here - I'll be happy to tell you more if you feel you must know - but it was funny. I don't anticipate it becoming a regular part of my act. So you can still come see me! I will try to post a picture (mercifully taken from afar) below, so you can have a sense of what we're dealing with here.

What a grand moment in my life and in the history of Memphis comedy.

12,000: Average or Above Average?

I'm reading a new book: The Average American: The extraordinary search for the nation's most ordinary citizen. (I'm pretty sure I got the title correct - It's kind of long.) Kevin O'Keefe is the author. I'm three chapters in and I like it a lot, so far. I think it's going to be a good one. I'll keep you posted.

Tomorrow night I hand over my tiara. 12-15 above average comedians will be competing for the coveted (by them, at least) title of "Funniest Person in Memphis," which I currently hold. It has been a magical year of funniestness and crowning a new champ will certainly be bittersweet. In answer to your question: No, I could not defend my title and repeat. It's a lot like Miss America that way, though I don't imagine the Miss America folks would be interested in the theory that these contests are similar in any way, whatsoever. In answer to your next question, I don't know if I can win again after taking a year off (a la Grover Cleveland, who was the 22nd and 24th President of the United States). I'll keep you posted.

We are almost at visitor 12,000. It has not been an easy road from 11,000 as I have been a bad blogger. Thanks for sticking with me and, as always, great prizes are promised to the lucky visitor, who can let me know his or her identity via the comment feature. Keep me posted.

All Is As It Should Be

This morning, I woke up at 7:15 a.m. in Utica, MS, put on a green toga and plastic laurel wreath, and went to breakfast. After breakfast, I sang songs, played sports, and met a member of the U.S. House of Representatives. I was still wearing the aforementioed Greek-themed garb.

Evidently, just before I met Congressman Chip Pickering (MS), I was pointed out to him as a professional stand-up comic. He made sure he had the right guy, referring to the laurels, "You mean the one with the flower on his head?" That is how I shall be known in D.C. from this day forth.

By way of a quick explanation for all this, I am at Camp Dream Street (See posts from last June regarding showertime radio shows and superhero costumes). This year's theme is time travel - we are in ancient Greece today. My outfit is not a manifestation of some delusion that I am now Greek, resulting fronm my recent Greek education.

"We don't take NO for an answer!"

With the 4th pick in the NBA draft, the Memphis Grizzlies should take...
	Al Horford
	Brandon Wright
	The tall Chinese guy
	Michael "Ziggy" Danziger
	Roy Hibbert
	no prisoners
	no lip from anyone
	names, but only after kicking butt
pollcode.com free polls

Some Crap-ass Crap PLUS G(r)eek

I paid over $3/gallon for gas last night. It's the first time I've ever done that. I managed to avoid it during the spike immediately following the hurricanes, and Memphis has stayed below that threshhold, despite national averages having long since eclipsed it (score one for Memphis). It hurts.

The NBA Draft Lottery also took place last night (Do not, under any circumstances, score one for Memphis!). Oh my lordy did the Grizzlies get hosed. The national media, however, seems unaware this morning that Memphis was even participating in the lottery. I am really only hearing about how Boston fell to pick number 5. I understand, of course, that the Grizzlies are not the Celtics, in terms of franchise fame and history, but I think it's worth noting that if that continues to be the case for a long time, it could, one day, be pinned on last night's crap-ass crap.

In other news, I am a Greek god. I graduated from my Greek class last Thursday (see post from last week) and cleaned up on Greek class awards! My friend and I shared an award for pronunciation and I earned the highest grade (118 out of 120) on the final exam/contest of anyone in both sections of the class. I won a decorative plate with a rendering of Poseidon (god of the seas) on it, a Greek statue (armless, of course) and a Greek translation of the Hebrew Bible, in addition to my diploma (suitable for framing). That's a lot of loot. I tell you this not to brag or spread word of my prowess for recreational language study, but simply to add to the huge pile of irrefutable evidence that my life is hilarious.

Kai eis anotera (And on to higher things)!

Life As A Campfire

The campfire smell that I mentioned in the last post is still with me. It's fading, but it's there. The scary part is that I can hardly tell - my sense has become numb to it.

Life is interesting when you smell like a campfire. More than once today, people in my presence have randomly launched into ghost stories.

Even stranger? Several people have waved skewered marshmallows over my head.

Stranger still? Late last night I was hanging out with a couple of friends and when they were ready to call it a night, they took turns peeing on me. That, as it turns out, was not as enjoyable as you might think. Luckily, however, it did not give me a new scent.

Thank heavens for the smokiness!

More on BBQ Fest and Greek Graduation tomorrow...

Day 66

Today is Day 66 of "Headache Watch: Michael Recovers from Shingles." It has been 66 days since I woke up with the strange pain that was soon diagnosed as shingles and I have yet to completely shed the shings. Now, before you go feeling too sorry for me, it's a stretch to say that I have a headache, but there is still very slight pain and sensitivity on the parts of my head that were afflicted. I'm not quite back to normal. The shingles have had an amazing run. I'm glad I could be a part of it.*

In other news, it's Thursday afternoon, I'm sitting in my office in East Memphis' Ridgeway Loop office park, and I smell like a campfire. I was at Barbecue Fest last night and again today for lunch. My team is great and our booth is really cool. I'll try to post pictures in a later post. I guess the smell of several hundred grills and smokers cooking tons of rightly seasoned meat in a relatively contained area is a little hard to shed. I could smell it in the shower this morning. I could smell it after the shower. I guess what I've learned is that there is really no need to shower for the next several days. Let's hang out.

* I am NOT glad I could be a part of it.

Born Again

I feel reborn.

The truth is, however, I am just writing for the first time in a long time, but without ZiggyBackRide in my life, I wasn't really living. I'm sure you felt the same way. I'm back and I'm a blogger reborn, ready to regale you with tall tales of my experiences and observations. It's gonna be something to behold.

There should be plenty of material over the next few days as I participate in my first year of competition at the Memphis In May World Championship Barbecue Cooking Contest. I'm part of a team called "Born in the Que-S-A." It should be a lot of fun. For those of you unfamiliar with this contest, it's known as the "Super Bowl of Swine." It is held in downtown Memphis (BBQ Capital of the World) on the banks of the Mississippi (the Lifeblood of America) with hundreds of teams competing and thousands of visitors from around the US and the world looking on, sampling, and living it up. Watch for it on all major media outlets this weekend. Al Roker, Martha Stewart, Bobby Flay, and other such stars of the small screen are frequent visitors.

Also this week, I will be graduating from Greek class. That's right, Greek class. I took Greek at our local Greek Orthodox church - an hour a week for fifteen weeks. The teacher was a highly entertaining retired priest that has long been a friend of my father and is well-known around the community. It was really fun and I learned a lot, highlighted by my new ability to say the Lord's Prayer in Greek! Thursday evening we'll know if I scored the highest on the optional final exam/contest. It would be quite a coup! Wish me luck.

I'll be writing regularly for the next little while, getting the Ride back on track and rewarding those committed visitors who've been waiting. Tune in often and enjoy!