Asinine Ads or Cockamamy Commercials (You Choose)

Very, very early in the life of ZiggyBackRide, the staff here wrote about television advertisements that had us wondering for one reason or another. Now, a few years later*, a new crop of positively puzzling pitches has emerged.

1) Jergens Natural Glow - The voiceover in the commercial for this bronzing body cream asks the question, "With Jergens, who needs the sun?" Perhaps the fine folks over at Jergens are under the impression that the sun is merely nature's outdated tanning lamp and, if they are religious folks, proof of God's insistence that each of us must maintain a natural glow. As important as that glow is**, unless Jergens' exciting new product can prevent the instantaneous freezing of our planet and the resulting end of all life thereupon, I'm gonna stand by the idea that all of us still need the sun.

2) Hallmark Recordable Cards - Hallmark is advertising greeting cards that allow you to record a message. The commercial shows a family sitting around the table as the guest of honor opens a card from someone who couldn't make it. They are all quite moved as the voice of the card's sender lets the receiver know how special the receiver is and how badly the sender wishes she could be there. The Voiceover boils it all down for us, saying, that now we can "give the gift of voice." My question is this: Where are Hallmark's offices located that the people who work there have never heard of the telephone. The rest of us have been using it for decades to "give the gift of voice." The Hallmarkers really need to get out more!

* There have been plenty of other asinine ads/cockamamy commercials since the early posts, but our staff has been occupied with higher priorities.
** It is not important at all. In fact, glowing can generally be considered dangerous.

Worth Doing The Time

The following has been making the rounds on the internet over the last day or so. I did not write it. I stole it. It was worth it. Enjoy...

BCS DECLARES GERMANY WINNER OF WORLD WAR II
US Ranked 4th


After determining the Big-12 championship game participants, the BCS computers were put to work on other major contests, and today the BCS declared Germany to be the winner of World War II.

"Germany put together an incredible number of victories beginning with the annexation of Austria and the Sudetenland and continuing on into conference play with defeats of Poland, France, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Belgium and the Netherlands. Their only losses came against the US and Russia; however considering their entire body of work--including an incredibly tough Strength of Schedule--our computers deemed them worthy of the #1 ranking."

Questioned about the #4 ranking of the United States the BCS commissioner stated "The US only had two major victories--Japan and Germany. The computer models, unlike humans, aren't influenced by head-to-head contests--they consider each contest to be only a single, equally-weighted event."

German Chancellor Adolph Hiter said "Yes, we lost to the US; but we defeated #2 ranked France in only 6 weeks." Herr Hitler has been criticized for seeking dramatic victories to earn 'style points' to enhance Germany's rankings. Hitler protested "Our contest with Poland was in doubt until the final day and the conditions in Norway were incredibly challenging and demanded the application of additional forces."

The French ranking has also come under scrutiny. The BCS commented " France had a single loss against Germany and following a preseason #1 ranking they only fell to #2."

Japan was ranked #3 with victories including Manchuria, Borneo and the Philippines.

Triumph In Beijing

As you certainly know, the games of the XXIXth Olympiad are in full swing in Beijing and, just a few days in, there is no shortage of fantastic stories of triumph. From the USA Men's 4 X 100M Freestyle medley win over the heavily favored French at the Cube (the aquatics venue) to the USA Men's unlikely team bronze in gymnastics*, surprising moments of glory have kept viewers and fans cheering half a world away. Perhaps the greatest achievement of all, though, may be the one that has unfolded on the sand of the women's beach volleyball competition where the USA's Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh look to continue their dominance in the sport and earn their second straight Olympic gold. So far, so good for their quest to repeat as champions, as they are 2-0 in pool play. No surprise there. What then, is the real surprise of this beach volleyball competition and these Olympic Games?

The real triumph here is that someone has found a way to make women's beach volleyball "uniforms" more revealing than they already were. Truly amazing! For those that have not seen the sport, the ladies wear bikinis - appropos for a beach pasttime and certainly unencumbering for sport. Of all sports that I can think of, though, this gear offered the lease body coverage of any regulation uniform**. I caught part of last night's May-Treanor/Walsh match and was appalled*** to find that not only were they wearing white uniforms that were somewhat more transparent than your average woman might wish to wear on worldwide television, but the sides and the top of the back of the bikini bottoms were made of what appeared to be mesh of some sort. See through. I presume this allows the sides and back of the players' waistlines to breathe more during competition? I'm sure that, prior to this, the smothering of the waistline area kept many a team from reaching full potential and challenging for the gold. Kudos to those whose commitment to the comfort and performance of our athletes never wavers (though I think they may have overlooked the possibility of thong bottoms and band-aids over nipples for maximum breathability, but hey, progress can sometimes be painfully slow).


* I'm sure some other countries have had good moments, too, but while the Olympics is a time for international unity and fellowship through sport, it is also an excuse for extreme, founded or unfounded, jingoism. It's kind of fun.

** Now that swimmers have, in large part, left the old "speedo" and gone to the full body suit, but even that tiny suit had some perceived performance impact as it lessened an potential resistance the suit may cause as a swimmer traveled through the water.

*** appalled = delighted

Summer Vacation Is Over

Summer vacation is nearing its end for school children, teachers, and others who are fortunate enough to still have summer vacation. The end is particularly nigh in my part of the world, where schools will be back in session next week. A little early for my taste, but then, the classroom wasn't always my favorite place in the world.*

While the big break is nearing its end for the education world, it has reached its conclusion in the ZiggyBackRide world. After a long hiatus from writing on this site, the whole staff is back on the job, ready to fill you in on much that has happened in recent weeks and preparing to be your guide on the exciting journey that the remainder of 2008 is shaping up to be. The Olympic Games began today, a new college football season starts in three weeks, and Presidential campaign season is beginning in earnest. All of these are topics this blog has addressed in the past and these, among others, shall be covered as only ZiggyBackRide can cover them in the months to come.

Now, what have we missed in the time since ZBR's last stop?

In recent days, Morgan Freeman was involved in a serious accident that left him in critical condition in a Memphis hospital. The world-renowned actor and voiceover artist was driving a 1997 Nissan Maxima at the time of the crash. If you had been asked to guess what kind of car this entertainment superstar was driving, how many guesses would you say you'd have needed to land on 1997 Nissan Maxima? I would have needed at least 4!

Other Morgan Freeman accident-related facts that the staff here can now confirm are as follows:

- Morgan Freeman is well on the road to recovery and has been released from the hospital.
- Asked about his immediate plans as he left the hospital, Freeman mentioned that he had decided to "...get busy livin', rather than get busy dyin'." He added a note of sincere gratitude to the medical staff for what he called "a common thread of exceptional care."**
- The lady in the car with Mr. Freeman at the time of the accident was not, as popular conjecture originally held, Miss Daisy.
- Hospital staff have reported that Freeman, though fully anesthetized, narrated his entire surgery, offering up helpful and soothing commentary at every turn.***

We'll certainly keep you updated on any further developments. Check back soon for stunning news regarding Me and My Purple Car, my season in Jewish softball, comedy fun, and more.

* The classroom was never my favorite place in the world. Though I have always enjoyed learning, I would have been happy if school had started sometime after Easter... if it had to start at all.
** quotes based upon Freeman's lines in The Shawshank Redemption and commercials for LeBonheur Children's Hospital in Memphis, respectively.
*** See post . Though I joke, I'm glad he's doing better!

How Long Have I Been Asleep?

In today's mail I received an offer for a free pedometer if I bought or renewed an AARP membership. There was also a coupon offering a special price of $8 for a hamburger combo at a favorite fast food outlet of mine.*

And I just saw a commercial for classes enrolling at Central Michigan University in Memphis.

Seriously. What year is this?


* It was a 1 lb. hamburger, but still!

Back On Track

I read yesterday that train derailments and accidents* in the State of Tennessee were down by 13% in the last year, as a result of 19 fewer incidents. WHAT?!?

19 fewer train derailments and accidents in a state, in a year was a THIRTEEN PERCENT reduction?

Where are all of these disasters? Did anyone have any idea that there were so many railroad accidents in any state? I would have thought that any reduction in incidents would have represented a 100% or 50%, or 33% at the very least, reduction.

A train is passing by my home as I write this and I'd like to share that it is not the least bit comforting that the tracks are a mere 25 feet or so from where I sit. I'm happy to hear about the big reduction in incidents, but I still feel about 87% scared.

Speaking of back on track, the Temple Israel Lady Rabs have begun a new season of teen league basketball and I made my triumphant** return to the sideline tonight. It's a great group and it's going to be a fun season. I'll keep you posted.

* I don't know what counts as an accident. Until I find out, I'd stop at crossings if I were you.

** The triumph was in being there and having fun coaching, not - as has so often been the case throughout my coaching career - in the final score.

Election '08: ZiggyBackRide Decides

The campaign for the White House is for real now. It has, of course, been going on for what seems like decades already, but next week decisions actually start getting made. The Iowa caucus takes place just a couple days into 2008, followed closely by the New Hampshire primary.

During the next 10 months, the staff here at ZiggyBackRide expects to share many thoughts regarding the candidates and the campaign for the highest office in the land.

Early thoughts...

I like Hillary Clinton more than I thought I would so far. She seems experienced and capable and, amongst the Democratic frontrunners, presidential. I used to think that my only interest in her for President could be summed up in the following five words: First Lady William Jefferson Clinton.*

Barack Obama is, to date, Hillary's top challenger for the Democratic Party nomination. I think his lack of experience may hold him back, though. I've heard more than a few refer to Obama as being "too green." I just think it's great that, after generations of struggle and gradual progress, our society is finally so colorblind.

On the Republican side, Mitt Romney has emerged as a strong candidate. He made news a few weeks ago with his address regarding religion in American leadership and his beliefs as a Mormon. Critics' reviews of the speech were mixed, but I understand his wives loved it, saying they "can't wait to be the 1st through 4th ladies of the United States."

More in-depth coverage of Election '08: ZiggyBackRide Decides coming soon.

*It's tough being a genuinely concerned and interested American citizen AND a stand-up comic because the things the comic part of me wants to happen are usually not good for the citizen part. I'm hoping the citizen part can convince the comic part that it has had its turn these past seven years.

The Dumpster Duo

I've seen some great/interesting things in my neighborhood over the years (see posts from Aug. 1, 2007 and Feb. 16, 2006). The next in this line of intriguing scenes came today when I came home from the first game of a new 30 and over Jewish men's league basketball season (which my team one, but during which I airballed another free throw - that's 3 in my last 4 or 5 games!) to get ready to go see The Lion King* (on stage). I drove into my parking lot to find the following scene.


Can't read the sign? Take a closer look...





I do love the idea of the lazy, unneighborly discarder of the mattress being called out by the neighborhood conscience, who knows it's wrong to make a mess, but who thinks nothing of hanging a sign on a dumpster calling the mess "retarded."** Welcome to the neighborhood!


This is post #200. Look for the ZiggyBackRide Bicentennial Celebration at post #202. Congratulations to us all!

* The Lion King was very good. I'm a fan of the movie and this was my first time seeing it on stage. Amazing costumes and good music. I did actually think the staging was a little messy, at times, but overall, very enjoyable. I'll have to think about where it ranks among major musicals I've seen. The show was part of a strange Sunday for me. Early basketball game, then The Lion King, after which I hurried to Temple to teach an 11th/12th grade class about God, and then to a bar in Midtown for a meeting about setting up housing options for families of patients at a local children's hospital. Where does a fun, odd, rewarding day like that come from, anyway?!?

** Speaking of the high schoolers, I have noticed, of late, that a lot of kids are, first of all, using the word "retarded" and, second, misspelling it. I see "retarted" a lot. If you insist on throwing that word around, I feel like it's one you really need to be able to spell correctly.

Ate Mor Chikin

There is a lot that I have to tell you, including my weekend trip to a team-building and leadership development center in Arkansas and including the fact that I am now the proud owner of a wet/dry shopvac, a new hot water heater, and some smelly carpet (the three items I own are, indeed, related and the battle between me and the carpet for the smell of my home is on. It will be an epic battle. I must win. Or else must will win.)

Those things, while incredibly interesting, are not what this post is about, though. This post is about the following:

That's right, ZiggyBackRiders, I have just returned home from all-you-can-eat nugget night at Chick-fil-A. My good friend, Kevin, and I had been seeing it advertised for this very night on the restaurant's marquee for the last couple of weeks. We thought, first to ourselves, and then aloud to one another, "Should we?"

Ignoring the obvious, correct answer to that question, we did. $10 was the cost* for all the nuggets, fries, and drink you wished to enjoy. A number of people took advantage of the "deal" - this was the first time I've ever had trouble finding parking at a Chick-fil-A.

The system was simple. You start with a 12 pack and a punchcard. The card has a 12, an 8, a 6, and five 4's on it. The 12 is punched when you take your first batch to the table. When you are ready for more, bring the card up, they punch the 8 and give you an 8 pack. Then the 6, then the 4's. The card system (left) takes you through nuggets 1-46. You don't have to stop at 46, though, as it is truly all you can eat (there was a kid next to us that was at 70 when we left - his table created the stack of boxes pictured above, left), but in the end, Kevin and I decided that 46 was a good** place to stop.

(Left: Kevin and I pose with our punched cards and our garbage. I appear sweaty, but that's just chicken coming out of my pores.

Right: My friend, Lauren, was also there - not so much eating, but supporting her friends, one of whom, the 70-eater, is pictured below.)

Now, this is all funny and tasty, but the Health and Science staff here at ZiggyBackRide wishes to convey that this is not healthy behavior. It is certainly not okay to engage in such activities on a regular basis and is probably not okay to ever eat in this way. If you must, be sure you aware of what you are putting in your body.

http://www.calorie-count.com/calories/item/110300.html

I carefully squeezed excess grease off each nugget, so I figure I saved a few grams of fat here and there. Not bad, eh? That's why I felt it was okay to skip the diet drink and go with Coca-Cola, or, as I like to call it, America in Liquid Form.

As I left the restaurant, I headed home and immediately began calling friends that would want to know about this adventure. I knew, all along, that it was messed up to do this, but I believe it might be even more ridiculous that friends from coast-to-coast would be excited to know. I didn't have long to talk to people, though...

(Left: Me in the bathroom.***)

* The cost was actually $10 plus tax plus several years off our lives.

** All the better places to stop had already been passed up. 46 was, at that point, as good as it could get.
*** This is the first time I've ever taken a picture of myself on the toilet. You'd think it'll be the last, too, but I simply can not promise that. It's all about honesty, folks.)

Shaq Attack!

I just saw one of the finest moments of television I've seen in a long, long time. I was flipping channels when I came across "Shaq's Big Challenge," a new series in which basketball star Shaquille O'Neal endeavors to help six obese teens lose weight. Tonight's episode may be the first.

I tuned in just in time to see one of the kids beginning one minute of sit-ups, with Shaq holding his feet. As he came upward for his first crunch, he (Hmmm, how shall I put this? There are so very many ways. In honor of the overeating that the kids have all admitted to and are now trying to curb...) cut the cheese. Quite audibly, I might add.*

Shaq: (still holding the kid's feet as the kid continues, with very little success, to do sit-ups) You just farted on me, Walter. You can't be farting on me, Walter.

This is going to be a very good show.

* Was it really necessary for them to keep this precious moment in the show? Not only is this poor kid on national television because he is so dangerously obese that Shaq had to be called in to rectify the situation, he has now farted on the sports icon for all of America to see (and hear). Have a great summer, kid!

In Good Company

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Jokes has been released. It's out there, Jerry, and it's lllovin' every minute of it! The book, from Penguin Press and edited by Larry Getlen, contains jokes and tips on humor from many, many comedians and I'm proud to be one of them.

Sometime last year, I received a notice about submitting jokes for this project, so I sent in a list. Several months later, it occurred to me that I had not heard anything and I assumed either the book was no longer forthcoming or that my material had not been selected. Days later, I received an email telling me that both of my assumptions were wrong.

That was all the info I got, though, save the release date and some ideas for promoting the book upon its arrival. I didn't know which of my submissions, or how many of them, had been selected. Finally, I know and, oddly, the two that were selected are two of my only jokes that contain profanity. My stuff had to be c*&sored! I'm in there with all these other
comed#%ns* whom I have heard tell some of the raunchiest, most offensive (yet still funny) jokes ever, and I look like the dirty one!

Speaking of the other comedians, though, each submitting comic has a little bio in the back of the book. Mine** is wedged right in between Rodney Dangerfield and Ellen DeGeneres. I can live with that! Of course it just because they are in alphabetical order, but still!

There's a lot of funny stuff in the b$^k and I recommend checking it out.

* Each of my submissions contains a word in which symbols had to be substituted for letters. I've always loved the idea that that makes the word cleaner. Like it's not the meaning and intent that makes a word bad, it's just the letters and their order within the word that people find offensive!

** My bio contains the address of this site, too, so let's get ready to welcome some new folks onto the 'Ride!

Commercial Literacy

I am a pretty well-educated person and, beyond the books, consider myself intelligent, with-it, and at least basically literate in most areas of common knowledge. Now, however, I find myself in an awkward place, having my faith in my own general cunningness being tested by... television commercials. That's right, commercials have pushed me to the limits of what is known to me.

What is a hemi? Do I have to drive a truck or a souped up old sports car to know? I'm sure it has something to do with an engine because in the commercials, two trucks pull up to a stoplight (usually somewhere in the desert where there doesn't even seem to be an intersecting road) and one driver leans out the window and asks his neighbor, "That thing got a hemi?" The neighbor counters with some sort of smug "well of course I have a hemi" answer and promptly leaves the questioner in the dust as the light turns green. It's very impressive. I want a hemi. Until I have one though, I can assure you that I won't be engaging in any conversations with my stop light neighbors!