Without a Car in the World

The last several hours went something like this....

10:45 p.m. - returned home from a fun and successful comedy performance
11:oo - decided to go the grocery store to get some fruit and a few other things; drove to a Kroger store a few miles from my house
11:30ish - checked out with 5 items
11:32 - pulled out of my parking space, noticing immediately that something was amiss
11:32 and 11 seconds - realized front passenger tire was completely flat
11:43 - after discovering that I was missing a needed tool to change the tire myself, called AAA. They took my info and informed me that someone would be out in about an hour. I took my new ice cream back inside the store and put it in a freezer near the checkout.
12:06 a.m. - Call my friend Anna whose birthday is today. She's in Arizona where it's still yesterday, but in Memphis, it's her birthday. She understood.
12:43 - no sign of help. I call AAA back. Just as I'm starting to talk, the truck pulls in. Amazing!
12:55 - Old tire in the trunk, spare tire on the car, I'm ready to go. I go inside and get my ice cream back.
12:58 - Pulled out of my 2nd parking space and, as I'm pulling out onto the street, feel that something is amiss, once again. I pull over to the right and get out. The spare tire is flat. It was not flat at 12:55.
1:00 - Called AAA and explained that I would be needing further assistance - a tow this time, as I had run plum out of tires. They informed me that someone would be out in about an hour. I took my ice cream back into the store and put it in the freezer.
2:00 - After an hour of wandering and kicking a rock around an increasingly quiet Kroger parking lot, as well as perusing RSVP, a local social scene magazine, to see who went to what party , I called AAA, hoping that the same magic would occur and a truck would pull in just as I began to talk. Not so fast my friend.
2:05 - I am on hold while they try to radio the wrecker driver and see why he has not rescued me.
2:10 - on hold
2:17 - on hold
2:22 - on hold
2:26 - AAA representative suggests that I let them call me back in a few minutes so we don't kill my cell phone. One of the night's smarter moments. I go back out into the deserted parking lot to look for my kicking rock. One of the night's dumber moments.
2:34 - AAA calls. They don't know what happened to the truck that was supposed to come. Another truck is coming. It'll be about 40 minutes. More wandering and loitering. I dozed for a second in the seat of a motorized shopping cart for the elderly and disabled.
3:09 - Truck arrives. Huzzah! Car is loaded up. I go back into the store to once again retrieve my ice cream.
3:31 - Truck pulls into my condo complex to drop me off. Driver recalls the time he was called to the complex (I have no idea in what capacity) by the police when neighbors of mine (whom I did not, and do not, know) were busted for a child pornography ring. Good times.
3:33 - I'm home at last and my car is on it's way to "the shop," which I will need to call in the morning to explain why my car is in its parking lot.
3:34 - I get a spoon.
3:35 - I open my ice cream and wake up the computer.
3:36 - I begin telling you of my adventures in East Memphis, and end by telling you that there's a Kroger right across the street from where I live. I drove to the other one so I could listen to a song in the car.

Good night!

Red River "Rockin' and Rollin' (and What Not")

Holy poop! Today's the day. The 100th meeting between the Texas Longhorns and the Oklahoma Sooners at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas. A huge day! If you aren't a football fan, or even a sports fan, it's time to change. This is huge and I can't wait!

As we speak (as I type) I am watching the television show that I have long enjoyed, but only recently come to recognize as my favorite of all shows - ESPN's College GameDay (built by the Home Depot). I love this show and can't wait to watch it every week. It tears me apart when I am invited to a bar or bat mitzvah during the football season because I will miss part of the show (and this one isn't too good later on tape or TiVo). I even like the commercials - my favorite being Under Armor's "We must protect this HOUSE!" series. I'm still waiting for it.

I believe we have found my mania. I am, otherwise, a mentally and emotionally well-balanced person with a talent for keeping proper perspective (of couse I think this about myself, but I'm pretty sure I'm right). A little bit of that, against my better judgement, goes out the window on Texas game days, when - as we've covered before and as many of you have questioned me about, rightly so - I take care to eat orange foods and drink orange drinks as part of my making sure I've done all I can to push my beloved Longhorns to victory. That's on any game day. This one, as a big rivalry game that is always in the national spotlight, is much bigger (read: I am much crazier). I am aware that, in the grand scheme of things, today's football game is of little consequence. Doesn't matter! I am so excited! I have been for days and I guarantee you that, win or lose, I'll be talking about the game with like-minded fans (and probably with people who don't care) until the two teams square off again next year.

Hook 'Em Horns and may you have a great day! Back to the cheddar and sour cream baked ruffles and Diet Rite tangerine soda.

525,600 Minutes

Friday was the 30th anniversary of the first day of humanity’s golden age (and the 9th anniversary of the first time I saw Tommy Boy – see last post), or as everyone else calls it, my birthday. It was a big day here in Ziggybackrideland. Okay, you got me. There’s no such place as Ziggybackrideland, but it was a big day. Okay?

I spent the morning working on a Habitat for Humanity house that is being coordinated by a kid I know on the occasion of his Bar Mitzvah. It was a gorgeous Memphis morning and a fun way to spend part of the day. I worked on the roof. (I would like to apologize now to the soon-to-be owners/inhabiters of the house for any leaks. I was assured that gaps would be filled in with tar during a later stage of roofing.) Later, there was dinner with the family, and then out to a new bar right near my house where I guess I almost got in a fight.

I was sitting, talking to a friend when I noticed (I could partly hear and could wholly lipread) a guy near me – a guy whom I do not know and to whom I have absolutely no connection - speaking ill of me. Then, of course, I had to glance back a couple of times to make sure I was right and that my increased age hadn’t brought with it an acute paranoia. Turns out I was right. He came over to the table and asked me quite indignantly, “Do you have a staring problem?” I indicated that I was not aware of one. Perturbed at my rebuff of his initial hypothesis, he irritably asked, “Are you talking about other people?” Again, I had to politely let him down as I let him know that, in fact, I was not. He then advised me to “Keep to myself,” adding a derisive term that starts with an 'f', ends with a 't', and has an 'aggo' in the middle and walked back to his friends, proud, I’m sure, of a job well done. He was quite the peace keeper. He did, however, check back several times to make sure that I did not eventually succumb to the much feared staring problem. It was very exciting. Next time, I will use my kara-tay (pronounced as Ross Geller would) and whip his sorry ass. No. No, I probably won’t.

In all seriousness, the birthday was a great chance to reflect on the year that has ended and gaze forward at the one now beginning. It’s like Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur - the approaching Jewish holidays that are all about renewal and introspection - had come early for me! I looked back at the joys and upsets, successes and failures, laughs, experiences, friends, changes, efforts, tragedies, surprises, romances, excitements, lessons…of the last year, and forward at all the hope for and uncertainty of the next one. It is truly amazing to take stock of the individual moments of life. I hope and trust that this new year will be just as full of them and that I will spend the year striving for perfect living. Not perfect in terms of wins and losses, successes and failures, or rights and wrongs, but perfect in the only way I believe we can achieve it – by living so that, upon looking back, we have no reason for regret. Good luck to all of us for a perfect year!

* The title of this post is borrowed from the famous song from the musical Rent, soon to hit the big screen as a motion picture event. I have seen Rent and I’m not embarrassed to admit, though it will shock some of you, that I did not like it. I felt absolutely no sympathy for the characters who, time after time, make stupid, harmful decisions and then are bummed when things don’t turn out well. They’re like, “Yes, we’re promiscuous and use drugs, but I don’t see why we should have AIDS and trouble finding jobs. I mean really!” No, I mean really.

** In answer to the “Whadja get?” question, I got an iPod. It’s really cool! Now I can take The University of Texas Longhorn Band with me any where I go! Jealous? That’s right, suckerz.

Heaven With Commercials

Mornin'! Just home from my Jewish men's basketball league game. Fun as always. Funny as always. But we're 3-0 and I expect nothing less than a championship. Stay tuned.

Speaking of stay tuned, I have been seeing commercials on AMC for their Movies With TV People marathon beginning this afternoon. The commercials, themselves, might be my favorite thing I've ever seen on television. Apparently, this marathon includes Fletch, Tommy Boy, and Blues Brothers - three of my all-time favorites, each of which I have easily seen scores of times. Here's the thing, though. I own all these movies. I have them on VHS or DVD* and can watch them anytime I want - sans commercials, nonetheless. I rarely do. However, now I see that they will be shown on TV and I find myself hoping I'll be home to watch them - with commercials, mind you**. There's just something about an announced showtime and the knowledge that others are watching at the same time that makes it more desirable to watch.

So now I ask a question that I believe we are all-too-often afraid to ask when we confound ourselves in life. Am I alone? Does this happen to others? Or am I alone in this cold, hard world as a man who watches the movies I love on someone else's terms when I have the ability and freedom to enjoy them at my own leisure (pronounced leh-zhure)?

* All of my movies are on VHS or DVD, but I'm seeing advertisements now for new movie releases on "UMD for PSP." What the hell is PSP?!? If I have to buy a new piece of equipment on which to play movies in the next 2 years, I will be... outraged. Absolutely outraged. (Okay, I'm sorry. Sorry I flew off the handle. Sorry you had to see me that way.)

** I don't have Tivo, so don't comment telling me to compromise by watching while they're on, but skip the commercials. I don't want to hear it.

A Brush With My Own "Fame"

Howdy!

Just stopping home for a moment between Saturday night activities. I was just at a nearby Borders bookstore listening to my friends' band play. As if knowing the band isn't cool enough, how about this? As I was listening, I noticed a man perusing a familiar looking book on a local interest display nearby. At closer glance, I realized he was reading Children of Israel: The Story of Temple Israel, a history of my synagogue's first 150 years. I'm in that book! I grew up there as the rabbi's kid and served as the youth director for the last five years. It was a very strange experience to see someone looking through a book that, first of all, I assume very few people look through and, second, you're in.

I wanted so badly to go over and tell him, "Hey! I'm in that book!" I really had to resist the temptation. For a rather large man, I guess I can be a very small person! Aside from the desire to point myself out in the book, I really wanted to know why he had chosen this book - out of the thousands and thousands of volumes available on the premises - to read. It can't be completely random.

Okay, that's it. That's my story. It's off to a late night pre-high holy days service at....? You guessed it! Temple Israel. Off to become a bigger man. Figuratively.

The Human Dichotomy

It seems to me that there are two kinds of people in the world. ("Hmmm," you must be thinking to yourself. "Into what two groups has Michael divided the members of the human race? What has he identified as the crucial criterion in determining the nature of a person? I'll bet it is something really interesting and thought-provoking." You are wrong.)

There are those who think that the Hummer is a vehicle that is cool and that somehow makes sense.

And there are those who can barely contain their disbelief at the idea that a company makes these and that people buy them as their cars.

I am not afraid to admit to you that I am a part of the 2nd group. It actually causes me a slight physical pain each time I see one as I try to decide whether to laugh at the tremendous vehicle, yell at its driver, or avoid the motorized behemoth because it is wider than the lane it's in. In the end, I usually settle on some combination of those that includes the avoidance option. That seems smart.

What kind of person are you? Don't hesitate to let us all know using the comment feature.
I am quite pleased by the recent flood (relatively, it's a flood, so back off!) of comments. And please don't think that it's not okay to say you're a member of the first group. For without that group, who would make the rest of us look smart?

Horns, Hoops, and Unfunny Hilarity

A hearty hello and happy Monday to you! It has been an eventful last few days, and I feel the need to make sure you are abreast of all the excitement in my life...

HORNS
Did you see the Texas Longhorns on Saturday night? Holy crap! For those who don't follow college football, the huge game of the week featured my beloved Longhorns playing at Ohio State. These two teams were both ranked in the top 5 in the country, both have hopes of playing for the national championship, both have superstar players, both have huge football histories. This was the first time they've played and it was before more than 105,000 very loud and excited fans.

It was a game for which the hype built steadily over a series of months since the matchup was announced and the game absolutely lived up to the hype, which is rare. It was so exciting! A back and forth battle with great defense on both sides and a few crucial moments that made all the difference.

I watched the game at home by myself. For those of you unaware of this, I never underestimate the role I may be playing in the game, even from a thousand miles away. On game day, I eat and drink orange things, just to make sure the color is not only on my body (clothes, not paint), but coursing through it, as well. To me, this makes a difference. With the Longhorn Band cd playing and the t.v. cranked up loud, I watched, paced, worried, and celebrated until the game was over. I was actually sweaty. From watching. My home is air conditioned.

Can't wait for the rest of the season. Hook 'em!

HOOPS
Yesterday, my new basketball season started. Always exciting - I love to play. This however, was the beginning of my first season in my Jewish Community Center's 30 and over league. I'm not quite 30, but apparently will be soon enough to qualify. I've been waiting for this for a long time (about 29 1/2 years). I think this is the league where I can really hit my stride. I considered, a few years ago, getting a fake i.d. that would get me into this league early. That's how excited I am.

First of all, let me just say that everything about these Jewish men's basketball leagues I play in is like a comedian's dream. The styles and levels of play, the seriousness of some of the players, etc. It's freaking hilarious.

Now, as for my debut, it did not disappoint. I have never shot like that in my life. I was hitting 3's. I was hitting 2's. Even a couple of 1's, which we call free throws in my country. I think I scored 24 points. I think there have been seasons in which I didn't score that many points. It's very exciting. Stay tuned to find out if I am really the Michael Jordan of the MJCC 30 and over men's basketball league. I'll certainly let you know.

UNFUNNY HILARITY
Later yesterday, I did stand-up at a kick-off-the-year barbeque at Hillel of Memphis, the Jewish student organization for college students in Memphis. I don't even know how to begin to describe this. First of all, I got there expecting college students, which makes sense, I think. But it was about half collegians and half older members of the community and even some seniors(not in college. I'm talking citizens)! What the deuce!

So, the time came to perform. No stage, no microphone. More of a living room setting. And they just stared. They were so quiet during the performance. It was like performing for statues. They were so polite and nice. They were listening and they seemed to like it, but only inside. I brought my friend Jeff, who is a very funny comedian in town, and he performed, too, and met with the same stone-faced group that I did. It probably should have been disheartening, but really it was far more hilarious. We were laughing so hard afterward. I guess they just weren't ready for stand-up in the middle of the afternoon, with their parents and grandparents, and their minds on the kosher hot dogs that were yet to come. It was strangely fun, though, and I sort of hope I get famous now just because I think I would enjoy talking about this on Leno one day. That's a good reason, right?

A Heart So Broken; A Heart So Full

Greetings. My apologies for the recent hiatus in my writing. None of the thoughts I would have shared with you have seemed necessary in the time since Hurricane Katrina hit. So I thought I would share some reflections and observations from my recent volunteer experiences and interactions with hurricane survivors.

I'm not a crier. Every once and a while at a bar mitzvah or wedding, but basically, I've rarely done it ever since the waterworks caused by Alex P. Keaton's departure for Wall Street on the show Family Ties. (That still gets me in reruns!) That's why the strength of my emotions these last days grabs my attention the way it does.

Volunteering at the Red Cross here, I have met so many families in need of help and healing. My heart has broken so many times over the last few days as I have observed the despair of evacuees and their battle with the barrage of unfairness the world has seemingly showered upon them. My heart has broken every time I have, in facilitating the relief process for the many, had to say no to a special request from an individual at a moment when he or she so badly needs to hear "yes" from someone.

While it sounds like it could be almost too much to handle, it is not. It is not because every time my heart breaks, it is quickly made whole again by the sight of volunteers doing all they can to help other people. My heart swells at the sight of those in despair exhibiting understanding with people and a process that are trying hard, but can't give them the immediate help they need and deserve. My heart fills when people love other people - reaching out, comforting, helping, reassuring - when they love despite hating the situation in which they find themselves.

What a mix of emotions! In the end, though, none of this is about how I feel. It's about human beings having what they need - food, shelter, security, a sense of purpose, and the love of others. It's about realizing the power we have to help, to understand, to be patient, to care, to build and to restore humanity's faith in goodness, and humanity's faith in humanity.

Finally, a hearty happy birthday to Karim! Karim is a brand-new 11 year old (he's not brand new, but the fact that he's 11 is, you see!) from New Orleans. I met him today at the Red Cross, where he was waiting in a long line for relief with his mother. I was very busy all day there, but I'm almost certain that the most important thing I did was create a birthday celebration for Karim in the midst of the relief-hungry crowd. I made a birthday card for him and got the people around his mother in line to sing to him when I brought him over. Kirstie Alley even brought over his cake! She was visiting to spread cheer(s). Got that? I just saw the birthday card on the tv news, which caught part of the celebration! Anyway, I think his mother was surprised anyone cared that it was his birthday, and I think the others who sang felt really good about celebrating life, even if just for a moment. Life is hard for every one of them, but it is not over. Turning from surviving to rebuilding to thriving will be a long, hard process, but it has begun.

Please help keep it going. Have a good night!