I Am One Excited Dork

It came. It's here.

My Sports Illustrated limited edition, special collectors issue, hard-cover tribute to the Texas Longhorns' glorious championship football season has arrived. I can now relive the magic through pictures and words from SI any time I want to. I can't always predict the future, but I think I will want to often. Very often.

The books are numbered to remind recipients that these are limited. I was lucky to get good ol' No. 20,658. Thank goodness I was able to get my hands on one of these books, which are obviously incredibly rare!

That's two of my three special gifts. Now I'm just waiting for the commemorative championship football. Believe you me, you'll know when it arrives!

Bode = Ziggy

Bode Miller finished his Olympics yesterday with another loss. I believe it was his 6th event without a medal, after coming into the games a heavy favorite to win several. I love competition and I have no problem with the fact that no one can win every time and that sometimes favorites lose. All I ask of American Olympians is that they do their best to compete and represent us well. Of all athletes, I ask that they do the overwhelming majority of their talking with their performance.

Bode does his talking seemingly everywhere else. According to him, he "rocked" these Olympics, and that is true assuming that by "rocked," he meant "did exactly as well as Michael Danziger did."

Miller said, "The same people who recognize I came out with no medals should recognize I could have won three."

I also won no medals, but who knows how many I could have won. I rock! Congratulations to all the Olympians who should be getting the attention that I and others are giving to this guy.

Various Stages, Various Journeys

Today is the 22nd of February, the birthday of President George Washington and the end of a very feeble 10-day ZiggyBackRide journey during which this site was to use the words of our nation's chief executives to inspire and entertain. It just didn't really ever get rolling. I am lazy. Sometimes it just has to be that way. Or, to borrow a metaphor from Thomas Jefferson, Michael must, from time to time, be refreshed by laziness. Alas, it is his natural manure. Martin Van Buren said, "It is easier to do a job right than to explain why you didn't." Silly, silly Marty! In the end, though, I must ask that you not rely entirely on this site for that which will fuel your success. Like JFK said, "The stories of past courage... can teach, they can offer hope, they can provide inspiration. But they cannot supply courage itself. For this each man must look into his own soul." What did Kennedy mean? Clearly, he was telling us that while ZiggyBackRide cannot actually be your soul, it is your soul's worthy partner. What a team!

Did somebody say team? Tonight, the Lady Rabs take the floor for their 3rd game, looking for win number 2. Their journey toward Memphis Area Jewish teen basketball greatness is in its early stages, but they're picking up speed and rolling toward a championship. I'll keep you posted.

Did somebody say posted? (What?!?) Finally, tomorrow night will see me on stage again in my comedy journey. It's Comedy, Tennessee's 2nd Best of Memphis Showcase and I'll be one of 5 or 6 local comics performing. It's at Neil's on Madison at 8:30 pm. It'll be funny. I have to believe that, for as Dwight D. Eisenhower taught, "Pessimism never won any battle."

Time to continue our journeys, but before we go, parting words from the birthday boy and our 1st president: "I hope I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an honest man."

Clown Calamity, Absent Asses, and Presidential Poop

I just returned home from a meeting. As I was driving into my neighborhood, I noticed a red clown wig in the street. That's a pretty rare sight. What happened to the clown that would ordinarily be under that wig? Did a friend get mad at him and throw the wig out the car window (like Elaine throwing George's toupee out of Jerry's apartment)? Until that wig is back on the head it came from, I'm sure there's one more sad clown in my subdivision.

I think the girls that play for the Temple Israel Lady Rabs must be out shopping right now. Five of them are going to need new pants today. Their old pants aren't going to fit right because they played their asses off last night. Their asses are literally gone. Okay, fine. Their asses are figuratively gone*. They recorded their first victory of the season last night in dramatic fashion, coming back from an early deficit and clinging to a slim margin as time expired. There were only five players present and one actually left the court to throw up during the first half, leaving the team to play 4 on 5 for about 3 minutes. It was a gutsy performance and I truly believe that if we can get all the players to all the games, this team could go undefeated the rest of the way. Don't doubt them. Remember, this is the greatest sports year ever.

Finally, more words of wisdom from our Presidents for you to enjoy during these days preceding Presidents Day...

"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure." - Thomas Jefferson

I guess speechwriters weren't always what they are today. However, manure's not all bad. I mean it's ma and newer - two pretty good things.

*This is ZiggyBackRide's first and, quite likely, last discussion of high school girls' asses. Just wanted those who may be visiting for the first time to know that this is not that kind of site!

Birthdays and Anniversaries

My 1st comedy anniversary was three days ago. One year since I first officially performed stand-up comedy on February 11, 2005. By my estimation, I have since performed about 60 times, including appearances in 15 different clubs, performances for organizations, at parties in friends' homes, and in one hotel hallway just outside of Tel Aviv, Israel. It has been very exciting and I have learned a lot. I can't wait to see what Vol. II brings! (On the anniversary, I watched the movie, "The Aristocrats" with several comedian friends. Very fitting!)

The day after my anniversary was Abraham Lincoln's birthday (he would have been 197, I think), beginning the 10-day run up to George Washington's birthday, during which we celebrate Presidents Day. In tribute to our nation's chief executives, I will, from now through Washington's birthday, offer up words and wisdom from our leaders. Sometimes I will offer commentary and sometimes I will just allow them to speak for themselves. I hope you enjoy and are inspired by them!

We begin with Lincoln... "Allow me to say that you, as a portion of the great American people, need only to maintain your composure, stand up to your sober convictions of right, to your obligations of right, to your obligations to the Constitution, and act in accordance with those sober convictions, and the clouds now on the horizon will be dispelled, and we shall have a bright and glorious future."

One more for today... "I know only two tunes: one of them is 'Yankee Doodle' and the other one isn't." - Ulysses S. Grant

Happy Valentine's Day and go Runnin' Rabs (last game tonight)!!!

What Ever Happened To Predictability?

The milkman, the paperboy, and evening t.v.?

Hello Riders! I wish to pass on a link forwarded to me by friend, reader, and official ZiggyBackRide media watchdog, Sarah. I don't really feel the need to say much other than 'read this.' The article and the jokes that will fill your mind are 'nuff said. Just be sure you make it to the intervention part. By the way, where was "Uncle" Joey? Of all his gloriously humorous "cut... it... outs," this had the potential to be the most meaningful.

Enjoy!

http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,18274,00.html

Good Samaritan of Steel

Greetings Earthlings! (see last post) I hope this finds you well. I'm doing quite nicely as I prepare for a comedy performance tonight (at Neil's in Midtown Memphis at 8:30). Often, people compare my style of comedy to that of Jerry Seinfeld. This always makes me very, very happy because Jerry is my comedy hero. I love his stuff - each premise, the construction of the jokes with the funniest single words in the funniest possible order, and just the right gesture or facial expression to augment the humor. It is a pleasure to be compared to him.

I'd be surprised, however, if I were ever compared to the Jerry who, on the final episode of Seinfeld, violated the Samaritan law by neglecting to help a fellow citizen in trouble. You won't hear that about me, no siree. Why just this very morning, I stopped by my friendly neighborhood Starbucks (see post from June 15, 2004) - that's not my good deed - and I ordered a grande coffee with room for cream - also not the good deed. I then proceeded to the little coffee operating room where you add your cream and sweetener, where I "dressed" my coffee just the way I like it. In order to get my coffee up to my standard, I had to use the last few drops of half-and-half and almost the last of the skim, but I squeezed just enough out of both thermoses. My coffee was done and it was good. Before departing, though, I got the attention of one of the Starbucks Associates and let her know about the creamer shortage. Not for myself - my coffee was perfect - but for the many people in line behind me who would be wanting coffee as good as my own, and for the barristas who would bear the brunt of the unhappiness of a cream-deprived clientele.

So, you see. I have done my good deed for the day. Maybe there's still time for another. Maybe not. But don't ever accuse me of being a Samaritan of any level below "good."

In other news, the Steelers did, in fact, win the Super Bowl (I know you needed me to tell you), keeping very much alive the possibility of the greatest sports year ever. EVER! Last night, the Temple Israel Lady Rabs played their first game of Season II (Roman for two). With three key players missing and only five present, they lost a heartbreaker, but mark my words... these girls will win games and maybe even a championship. Their male counterparts, however, will not. The Runnin' Rabs have had a fun season, but are in a league in which we are terrifically overmatched. The other night we scored 4 points in our most productive quarter of the game. Yikes. See? Greatest year ever!

The Ultimate Insecurity

I read a news story the other day about a potentially groundbreaking scientific discovery. Apparently, a planet that has physical properties that are relatively similar to Earth's has been spotted and plotted. (That's like the poor man's "turn and burn" for astronomers.) This discovery resulted from the use of a new technology that scientists hope will help us answer the age-old question of whether we are alone in the universe. Pretty exciting stuff.

I continued reading, wondering something akin to, "Huh! That's pretty interesting. How far away is this new planet?" My question was soon answered. The new planet is estimated to be about 20,000 light years away. "Huh!" I repeated to myself, "20,000 - that sounds like a lot, but I don't remember how many miles a light year is exactly." I didn't have to wonder long. The article - astutely anticipating my and potentially other readers' lack of memory on the subject - mentioned that a light year was approximately 6 trillion miles. So, for those keeping score at home, the new planet, which may or may not be suitable for life forms similar to those living on Earth, is about 20,000 x 6,000,000,000,000 miles away.

"Huh," I thought yet again, "these scientists must be out of their motherf&*#ing minds!"

If the nearest possibility of life forms similar to ours is 120,000,000,000,000,000 ( I wanted you to see the number) miles away, then I and any (other) idiot on this planet can answer the age-old question. WE ARE ALONE! We're not packing up the car and driving over there for the family reunion! Not even if it's over a long weekend. Even if that planet is exactly like Earth, populated by our identical twins; even if they have Texas Longhorn football there; or even if it's better than Earth and their Taco Bells still have the old lowfat "Border Light" menu that I so enjoyed because it offered all of the taste without all the guilt; even if they aren't dependent on foreign oil*; even if all these things and more were true... we're not gonna be visiting.

I think it's time for us to put aside what must be the universe's most outlandish insecurity and stop looking. We'll just have to come to grips with the fact that we 6 or 7 billion Earthlings are all alone.

*There is a distinct possibility that the search was not for an answer to the age-old question, at all, but instead, an expedition to locate more foreign oil for our eventual consumption. Probably not, though, because last night President Bush outlined plans to make more fuel from corn and stalks and leaves. He must have read my post from May 9, 2005.