Good afternoon, Ziggybackriders! First, allow me to apologize for the somewhat unrefined nature of this post's title. I auditioned for a movie today. The film is called Black Snake Moan. It will star Samuel L. Jackson, Christina Ricci, and Justin Timberlake and will be directed by Craig Brewer, Memphis native and director of Hustle and Flow. It was rough.
You might read that and think, "Oh, Michael must not have done well. That's too bad." No, that's not the case. It's just that the actual audition part of the audition didn't really happen. The waiting outside in 100 degree weather part, however, did. For several hours. Here's the way it went...
9:51 a.m. - I take several pictures of myself in my bathroom, using the mirror to see my camera's lcd screen. Those wishing to audition were asked to bring a snapshot and a pencil.
10:20 - I have gotten my three prints back from the Walgreens photo center. They're all pretty bad. I'm on my way to the audition.
10:45 - I arrived at the Pyramid - the uninhabited arena owned by the people of Memphis and Shelby County - for the audition, scheduled to begin at 11:00 a.m. I find a couple hundred people waiting in line. I am given a sheet on which to record a few facts about myself for the film makers. The sheet indicates that I am wannabe number 333. I begin the patient wait.
11:15 - the first batch (20 or so) of auditioners is taken into the Pyramid. The line moves forward a little bit. At this moment, the building that we are waiting outside of has approximately 21,000 chairs permanently set up inside. My portion of the line is not in the shade.
12:07 p.m. - the line has moved forward enough for me to be within the next 250 auditioners. More importantly, I am now, finally, in the shade for the rest of the line process.
12:45 - still in line. We've moved forward a little. It's still about 100 degrees outside. We're still outside. There are still upwards of 20,000 empty chairs just beyond the unlocked doors in front of which we wait.
1:30 - moving forward. Still about 100-150 people ahead of me. About 200 people after me.
Around this time, Pyramid and movie staff members begin passing out bottled water.
2:00 - saw my high school acting teacher. I look forward to getting inside and finding out just how well she taught me.
2:15 - I'm about 2 groups of auditioners away from being called into the building, finally. All of a sudden, the whole line crumbles and everyone is moving toward the doors. Someone had decided to let us all inside where there were, apparently, a number of chairs available out of the heat. For some reason, they did not move us in the orderly line in which we were already standing. Instead, we gathered (about 450 of us) around two doors through which we were allowed to enter 30 or so at a time.
2:35 - we are seated inside the arena, in no particular order. Production staff calls out 40 or so auditioners to come with them.
2:50 - My group is called! About 40 of us make our way into two lines where they will check our fact sheets to make sure we have everything we need. I wait in line as people who, for some reason, did not bring a picture (or a pencil, I presume) get their pictures taken by production associates. I get to the table. The P.A. is impressed that my sheet is complete and my pic is stapled to it already (I borrowed a stapler from a very prepared woman in the arena). I am sent into the next room with my fellow auditioners to have a seat. There is a table in front of us with several casting professionals. We wonder what the process will be like. I had arrived just over 4 fours ago.
3:00 - A woman introduces herself as the casting director and introduces another woman (named Winsom - cool name) as her co-director. She proceeds to tell us that they will take our fact sheets and photos and call us if they are interested in us for speaking parts, and will hold on to the others and contact people about extras work. She gave us the dates of filming and asked us to give our sheets to a certain guy on the way out.
3:02 - the "audition" is over. They have successfully collected a fact sheet and photo from me. Both had been ready for them for over 4 hours. Every part of the entire process - the line up, the numbers, the waiting, the heat stroke, the waiting, the move into the arena (which, as it turns out, had been sitting there empty the whole time we were waiting outside), the reorganizing by number once in the arena, the groups of 40 or so, and the waiting - was unncessary, save the handing me the fact sheet (which I completed in about a minute and a half) and the collecting of the fact sheet.
6:43 - I am sitting at home writing this post. There are probably still hopefuls waiting to be called into a special room to hand in the sheets they are holding. When I left, the number of auditioners was well over 700. I was 333.
Needless to say, it was fun. I'm excited about the possibility of resuming my movie career (see posts from last summer). I'll keep you posted. Have a nice day!
Monday, August 22, 2005
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Coming Up Short: An Appeal to the Courts
I'm back from my travels and glad to be home. That's that.
While I was on the road, I was following the story of the sentencing of the BTK killer. (BTW, I don't know what BTK stands for. They just kept saying the letters. Was I supposed to already know? If you know, share with us using the comment feature below, please.) He was convicted of having killed a number of people over a span of several years a couple decades ago, and has now been sentenced. He was given 10 consecutive life sentences without a chance for parole.
10 life sentences.
Am I missing something? Is there any difference between 1 life sentence and 2, 5, 7, 10 or 100 life sentences? Is it really a worse punishment, or is it just to make him look bad in the record books? I think we need to find something a little more meaningful to fill the enormous gap that obviously exists between a life sentence and a death sentence. The latter is not available (and may not be advisable) in many situations, and the former may well be insufficient for the worst criminals (see BTK).
What are our options here? I'd love to hear some suggestions via the comment feature. Otherwise, I fear we'll appear to have given up on finding a solution. Much like, according to Chris Rock, we have done with many diseases and physical conditions. If you've never heard his stand-up on this topic, you should. It's hilarious. My favorite example he gives is how we've given up on blindness. You can tell that we don't think there's a medical answer coming when we start prescribing dogs for something.
He says it better than I type it. Sorry.
While I was on the road, I was following the story of the sentencing of the BTK killer. (BTW, I don't know what BTK stands for. They just kept saying the letters. Was I supposed to already know? If you know, share with us using the comment feature below, please.) He was convicted of having killed a number of people over a span of several years a couple decades ago, and has now been sentenced. He was given 10 consecutive life sentences without a chance for parole.
10 life sentences.
Am I missing something? Is there any difference between 1 life sentence and 2, 5, 7, 10 or 100 life sentences? Is it really a worse punishment, or is it just to make him look bad in the record books? I think we need to find something a little more meaningful to fill the enormous gap that obviously exists between a life sentence and a death sentence. The latter is not available (and may not be advisable) in many situations, and the former may well be insufficient for the worst criminals (see BTK).
What are our options here? I'd love to hear some suggestions via the comment feature. Otherwise, I fear we'll appear to have given up on finding a solution. Much like, according to Chris Rock, we have done with many diseases and physical conditions. If you've never heard his stand-up on this topic, you should. It's hilarious. My favorite example he gives is how we've given up on blindness. You can tell that we don't think there's a medical answer coming when we start prescribing dogs for something.
He says it better than I type it. Sorry.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
More Medicine and Airplane Law
I forgot to mention the unbelievable array of restrooms that I have the pleasure of using at the many establishments I now frequent on the comedy ciruit. I talk about the diseases I might get from the smoke inhalation, but in truth, I’m far more likely to catch something from one of these sketchy lavatories.
Lavatory. That’s a great word. That’s part of the whole other language they seem to speak on airplanes. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’re speaking English. It’s just that they’re using words we would never use anywhere else. Like say… um, lavatory! I have this on the brain because I am composing this post in the C concourse of Memphis International Airport, waiting for a delayed flight to Atlanta.
I’m anxiously awaiting the time when we will actually depart, but dreading somewhat the lecture we’re all going to get because of a few bad smokers once we get on the plane. You know what I’m talking about. The harsh tongue lashing the flight attendants always give us about tampering with, disabling or destroying smoke detectors in the aircraft lavatory.
When will the smokers stop?!? It’s the only law they have to remind us of now on airplanes. The rest of us have stopped murdering, raping, stealing cars and evading taxes up there. Why oh why can’t the smokers control themselves?
I call on you smokers: put an end to this madness. Tell your friends, put it in your little newsletter, whatever. Spread the word. They’re on to you. It’s time to move on.
Lavatory. That’s a great word. That’s part of the whole other language they seem to speak on airplanes. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’re speaking English. It’s just that they’re using words we would never use anywhere else. Like say… um, lavatory! I have this on the brain because I am composing this post in the C concourse of Memphis International Airport, waiting for a delayed flight to Atlanta.
I’m anxiously awaiting the time when we will actually depart, but dreading somewhat the lecture we’re all going to get because of a few bad smokers once we get on the plane. You know what I’m talking about. The harsh tongue lashing the flight attendants always give us about tampering with, disabling or destroying smoke detectors in the aircraft lavatory.
When will the smokers stop?!? It’s the only law they have to remind us of now on airplanes. The rest of us have stopped murdering, raping, stealing cars and evading taxes up there. Why oh why can’t the smokers control themselves?
I call on you smokers: put an end to this madness. Tell your friends, put it in your little newsletter, whatever. Spread the word. They’re on to you. It’s time to move on.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Laughter is the Best Medicine
Boy, I hope that's true! Laughter is the best medicine, that is. I hope it's true because, while I'm very excited about my budding career in stand-up comedy, I'm don't think it's making me healthier. Every night, I come home wreaking of smoke... in the wee hours of the morning. I'm developing emphysema and I'm tired. It's not pretty.
I never thought about that. I never realized that I have to be willing to become a smoker if I want to do this regularly. Not that I will actually be smoking, but there's a lot of that second-hand stuff there. It hardly seems fair, that just because I apparently have some talent for this comedy stuff, my chances of lung cancer should skyrocket. I guess that's the price. I'd love to see some numbers on death rates for comics.
Maybe I'll start handing out Nicorette while I perform. Just have people walk right up while I'm talking and get some nicotine gum from me. It'll be really disruptive to my act, but much better for my bronchial tubes.
On a brighter note, my friends always want to know if I'm making money doing comedy, and I'm prepared to give a report. This is my somewhat comical comedy financial disclosure form...
Earnings... $29, 2 Budweiser Selects, 3 Budweisers, 1 Bud Light
Expenditures... $31 for a camera tripod, $28 for digital video tapes, $25 for gas, $6 for vhs tapes, $5 for dvds, $4 for "tussin" (see smoking/emphysema rant above)
Yup, I'm living the dream. But I won't forget you.
I never thought about that. I never realized that I have to be willing to become a smoker if I want to do this regularly. Not that I will actually be smoking, but there's a lot of that second-hand stuff there. It hardly seems fair, that just because I apparently have some talent for this comedy stuff, my chances of lung cancer should skyrocket. I guess that's the price. I'd love to see some numbers on death rates for comics.
Maybe I'll start handing out Nicorette while I perform. Just have people walk right up while I'm talking and get some nicotine gum from me. It'll be really disruptive to my act, but much better for my bronchial tubes.
On a brighter note, my friends always want to know if I'm making money doing comedy, and I'm prepared to give a report. This is my somewhat comical comedy financial disclosure form...
Earnings... $29, 2 Budweiser Selects, 3 Budweisers, 1 Bud Light
Expenditures... $31 for a camera tripod, $28 for digital video tapes, $25 for gas, $6 for vhs tapes, $5 for dvds, $4 for "tussin" (see smoking/emphysema rant above)
Yup, I'm living the dream. But I won't forget you.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Cell Phone Danger
Hello riders! Sorry for the pause. I've missed you. Personal update: retirement is great. I'm in New Orleans visiting friends right now. Hoping to do stand-up tonight for the first time in Louisiana. We'll see. Comedy's going very well. Performed four straight nights last week. Spending that much time in clubs is killing me, though. Too much smoke. I'll be dead soon. Sad.
When I was driving down here I spend a lot of time on the phone. I know that's not supposed to be too safe - driving while you're talking. We've got all sorts of technology now that's designed to make us safer. Like the little wireless headsets for cell phones. Everybody's got these little things in their ears so that they can keep their hands on the wheel when they're driving. Are we safer because of these? Hell no. I don't know what impact these devices are having on car accident incidents, but I know we're not safer. These things are putting us in harm's way because we can't tell who's crazy anymore.
It used to be that if you saw somebody talking out loud and no one else was around, you knew - psycho. Now, if you see somebody talking and no one else is around, they might be crazy... or they might be a business man. There's no way to know. So now the crazy people are just mixed right in with the rest of us. It's very scary.
Not only are these things putting us in danger, but also in embarrassing situations. Have you ever had someone talk to you and you respond, and then you realize they weren't talking to you? They're just on the phone. That's no good. You're in a store looking at stuff and someone walks up next to you and you hear them say, "Which one do you like?"
You don't really look at them, you just launch right into your answer. "Well, I'm hardly the one to ask. I can't use the latex ones because of a skin allergy. And the normal sizes don't fit me.*"
Then you hear the person next to you say, "Hold on." So you stop talking and you look at him. And he looks at you. And finally, he points to the little thing in his ear and mouths the words, "I'm on the phone."
Right then, a little piece of your heart dies because you've just caught a glimpse of how big a jackass you can be... without even trying.
* We were shopping for dishwashing gloves. Sickos.
When I was driving down here I spend a lot of time on the phone. I know that's not supposed to be too safe - driving while you're talking. We've got all sorts of technology now that's designed to make us safer. Like the little wireless headsets for cell phones. Everybody's got these little things in their ears so that they can keep their hands on the wheel when they're driving. Are we safer because of these? Hell no. I don't know what impact these devices are having on car accident incidents, but I know we're not safer. These things are putting us in harm's way because we can't tell who's crazy anymore.
It used to be that if you saw somebody talking out loud and no one else was around, you knew - psycho. Now, if you see somebody talking and no one else is around, they might be crazy... or they might be a business man. There's no way to know. So now the crazy people are just mixed right in with the rest of us. It's very scary.
Not only are these things putting us in danger, but also in embarrassing situations. Have you ever had someone talk to you and you respond, and then you realize they weren't talking to you? They're just on the phone. That's no good. You're in a store looking at stuff and someone walks up next to you and you hear them say, "Which one do you like?"
You don't really look at them, you just launch right into your answer. "Well, I'm hardly the one to ask. I can't use the latex ones because of a skin allergy. And the normal sizes don't fit me.*"
Then you hear the person next to you say, "Hold on." So you stop talking and you look at him. And he looks at you. And finally, he points to the little thing in his ear and mouths the words, "I'm on the phone."
Right then, a little piece of your heart dies because you've just caught a glimpse of how big a jackass you can be... without even trying.
* We were shopping for dishwashing gloves. Sickos.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
High Definition Blogging
I like television, and I've been watching a lot of it lately. I find that I'm being bombarded by promotions of new t.v. technologies - the most prominent of which is high definition television, or HDTV. I think maybe we're a little carried away with our ability to make technical progress. I just don't think a lot of it is necessary. Was there something wrong with t.v. that made us need HDTV? We couldn’t see it well enough, apparently? A couple of years ago when HDTV was just being unveiled, I was in New York and went on a tour of the NBC Studios. The guide gets all excited, he says, “Soon, everything we do will be shown in HDTV! You all know about HDTV?” We’re like, “not really.” He gets this excited/crazed look in his eye and he’s like, “well let me explain it to you this way. When you’re watching a baseball game, not only will the action on the field be so much clearer, but you’ll be able to see what a fan in centerfield… is eating!”
Is that what we’ve been missing? I guess so. I guess television will always be a failure until I can personally lay eyes on every hot dog sold at Yankee Stadium. And you know they’ll just keep making advancements. What’s next, Super HDTV? “You can not only see what the fan in centerfield is eating, but you can tell if he likes it!”
And then a few years later, Extra Super HDTV. “You can not only tell if the fan in centerfield likes his pretzel, you can tune back in later and watch him poop it out! You’ll be able to tell what kind of toilet paper he’s using!”
I guess the next thing after that will be Smellevision! Okay, that’s enough. I just grossed myself out a little.
Is that what we’ve been missing? I guess so. I guess television will always be a failure until I can personally lay eyes on every hot dog sold at Yankee Stadium. And you know they’ll just keep making advancements. What’s next, Super HDTV? “You can not only see what the fan in centerfield is eating, but you can tell if he likes it!”
And then a few years later, Extra Super HDTV. “You can not only tell if the fan in centerfield likes his pretzel, you can tune back in later and watch him poop it out! You’ll be able to tell what kind of toilet paper he’s using!”
I guess the next thing after that will be Smellevision! Okay, that’s enough. I just grossed myself out a little.
Friday, July 15, 2005
Morning Rituals
Hello there! I hope you are having a great day. I know I am. My day started much like my days usually do - with my favorite morning ritual. I don’t mean the coffee or the shower, or even the Today Show or Good Morning Memphis. I’m talking about deleting all the emails that come during the night. Aren’t those great? Every morning it’s the same. Increase your sex drive! Increase your penis size! Add three inches! Three inches? (now pretend you're me saying this next part really sarcastically) Oooohhhh! Big difference! (Did you get the effect?) I used to laugh at those emails, but now... well, now I just think it’s nice that my old girlfriends keep in touch at all.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Retirement, Glorious Retirement!
Hello there! I just wanted to let you know that it's 12:50 p.m. (central time) and I'm sitting at home in my recliner wearing boxer briefs and a bathrobe. That's right. Boxer briefs. All the comfort of a boxer, all the support of a brief. It's only a matter of time before I put on dress socks and complete the outfit. I'll keep you posted. Have a nice day!
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