Don't Have A Cow, But...

I saw Bart Simpson's penis tonight.

Don't let that stop you from seeing the movie. Funny stuff.

Kentucky Derby

850 miles in 33 hours*. I'm improving (see "Evangeline Getaway" post).

Sunday, I traveled to Lexington, KY**, with a friend and fellow comedian from Memphis. We went to compete in the Carnival Comedy Challenge, a contest whose winner performs aboard a Carnival Cruise. The challenge happens several times a year in different cities, and is a great chance for comedians to meet each other, and to meet with and be seen by club bookers (who can give us work and are, therefore, very powerful people in our eyes) and Carnival talent staff.

I did not win. The format is that all of the comics (there were 40-45 at this competition) perform for each other and the judges on night one and the judges choose finalists to perform the following night before an audience, which will choose the winner. Niether I nor my travel partner made the finals, cutting short our stay in the Lex.

The preliminary round is a very funny scene. As you may or may not know, comedians tend to be very unforgiving audiences for other comedians - i.e. the laughs are not forthcoming - especially when they are competing against one another. So forty or so comedians performed in a row, rapid-fire, before what was basically a completely quiet audience. There were snickers here and there, and a few hearty laughs, but mostly, we were just reciting our material, trying to not be awkward at the moments during which we would normally pause for laughter from an audience of actual people***.

There was certainly entertainment to be had, seeing so many funny people in one place, and there was entertainment on the road, too. We passed a number of wonderful landmarks, such as Nervous Charlie's, a store near the TN/KY border that advertises beer and fireworks. I'd be nervous, too, Chuckie. Not far from Nervous Charlie's, we saw Sad Sam's, an outlet advertising the same goods. Poor Sam is, evidently, living proof that Charlie has good reason for his jitters.

We passed a castle. Seriously. A castle. Have a look-see for yourself.

Ladies and gentlemen... The Castle Farm of Thomas R. Post. It's right outside Lexington on what ol' Tom Post correctly identified as the perfect place for a castle. Good call, Tommy.

We also saw the National Corvette Museum, located an hour or two southwest of Lexington right off I-65. If anyone can explain the design of this thing, by all means, use the comment feature and let me know the thinking behind this. (I understand the castle idea was already taken.)

Okay, this post is getting long, so I will bring it to a close and begin the asterisked footnotes for which I know you have been patiently waiting since the early paragraphs.

* 25.76 miles per hour, or 225,636 per year. You go, purple car!

** My comedian friend and I both wondered, seeing KY all over signs around Kentucky, if the state laments at all the increased advertising - over the past few years - of the KY line of personal products. We wondered whether the state had considered changing its official abbreviation, as it might bring different mental pictures to the minds of travelers (especially immature comedian ones) than it once did. FYI, according to several signs, KY bridges tend to get slippery in certain conditions. Be careful out there.

*** This experience was reminiscent of some of the comedy nights I experienced during Michael Ziggy Danziger's Bluff City to the Big City Stand Up Comedy Extravaganza 2005, or the MZDBCBCSUCE'05, for short (See posts from October, 2005).

Question of the Day

This is a ZiggyBackRide contest of sorts. The first person who can correctly identify what I'm referring to and offer a plausible answer to the question - using the comment feature, below - wins.

Why are they kicking the trees?

Shaq Attack!

I just saw one of the finest moments of television I've seen in a long, long time. I was flipping channels when I came across "Shaq's Big Challenge," a new series in which basketball star Shaquille O'Neal endeavors to help six obese teens lose weight. Tonight's episode may be the first.

I tuned in just in time to see one of the kids beginning one minute of sit-ups, with Shaq holding his feet. As he came upward for his first crunch, he (Hmmm, how shall I put this? There are so very many ways. In honor of the overeating that the kids have all admitted to and are now trying to curb...) cut the cheese. Quite audibly, I might add.*

Shaq: (still holding the kid's feet as the kid continues, with very little success, to do sit-ups) You just farted on me, Walter. You can't be farting on me, Walter.

This is going to be a very good show.

* Was it really necessary for them to keep this precious moment in the show? Not only is this poor kid on national television because he is so dangerously obese that Shaq had to be called in to rectify the situation, he has now farted on the sports icon for all of America to see (and hear). Have a great summer, kid!

Evangeline Getaway

I'm back from the bayou. This weekend I was at the wedding of two friends (which is always fun because you know the friends and family on both sides) in New Iberia, Louisiana. That's right... New Iberia. Of course, it also served as sort of a goodwill tour for me as the Funniest Jew in the Deep South. I got to see some of my constituents*. Heck of a trip to New Iberia, though. Heck of a trip.

I drove almost exactly 1,000 miles in a matter of 58 hours. Now, if you divide that by the hour, it's less than 20 miles an hour - not so impressive. If, however, you multiply that out over a year's time, it's just over 151,000 miles a year. That's kind of a big deal. It was yet another adventure shared with my "raisin pearl" colored Honda, which is nearing 100,000 miles. You'll hear more about me and my purple car as that milestone approaches. For now, I will tell you this: the car is 8 years old and I got 31 miles/gallon on this trip. I'm impressed.**

The road off I-10 that runs through Lafayette, LA and, eventually, through New Iberia is US Hwy 90, known there as the Evangeline Thruway. On one three mile stretch of the thruway, between Lafayette and my destination, I saw Ziggy's Grill AND Michael's Gentlemen's Club and Cafe***. What a fine stretch! I felt some serious name/nickname pride there for a few minutes. Had I not been unable to find my new camera when packing for the weekend, I'd have taken pictures of both. You'll just have to create a mental picture like our forebears did when regaled with such thrilling tales.

* Not only did I see a number of deeply Southern Jews at the wedding events, but when I stopped on the drive home to stretch my legs and get some snacks, I bumped into a couple I know at Wal-Mart in Brookhaven, MS! They used to volunteer at my summer camp and their children were campers when I worked there. They live in a small town nearby and were just doing their Sunday shopping. What a pleasure to bump into old friends at such a random stop!

** My wallet and bank account are also impressed.

*** Evidently, Michael's Gentlemen's Club and Cafe offers free lunch on Fridays between 11 a.m. and 4 p.m. Unfortunately, I was passing through on Friday afternoon at about 4:30. Free lunch. That could have been nice. If you are in the area, I'd definitely check it out. But only if you're a real gentleman.

Air Jor-dan(ziger)

It occurs to me that this site has been without update in the world of Jewish men's league basketball for quite some time. For that, I apologize most sincerely, and I shall seek to correct our little problem.... NOW!

I am, once again, playing in the 30 and over summer basketball league at the Memphis Jewish Community Center. This is the league I was built for*, the league for which I couldn't wait to qualify (I considered getting a fake i.d. that would allow me early entry when I was in my late 20's). I'm having a good season and so is my team. Interestingly, that is usually the case when i choose to update you on this part of my life. We're halfway through the season and cruising along at 4-1, tied for first place. Five more regular season games and then the tourney, the march toward 30 and over local Jewish sports glory. Rest ye assured, I'll be letting know how it all transpires.

* This is the only league - maybe on Earth - for which I am legitimately eligible and in which I am a 1st round draft pick. This is my NBA** and, judging by the ratings of the finals in the actual NBA, it could probably be yours, too. I love this game.

**Speaking of my NBA, I'd like to thank all of those who voted in ZiggyBackRide's recent poll/referendum on what the Grizzlies should do with the 4th pick in the upcoming draft. A majority of you said they should take me. That's nice! I didn't even vote for myself. I voted for taking names, but only after kicking butt. Agree to disagree?

Heir Jordan

The title of this post does not refer to LeBron James, who may well be the next coming of a Jordan-type figure in the NBA. It refers, instead, to the new holder of the precious title of Funniest Person in Memphis. Mary Jordan, talented comedian and FOZ (friend of Ziggy), is now reigning supreme over the Bluff City's comedy scene. Since she is a she, however, I suppose I can continue to be the funniest man in Memphis, which is not a real title, but is what most people assumed was my title when I actually held the title. Got that?

The Funniest Person in Memphis finals was a great show, with 15 strong contestants. I hosted and, as the show neared its end, I realized that I had no idea who would win - that several comedians could take it. It was a tough competition and, watching, I was glad I won when I did! There are some very funny people in this city! The crowd was great and overflowing - some were turned away! I like to take credit for that, as I never saw such a comedy crowd before my reign began. I also like to take credit for it because if I don't take it, no one will give it to me, for I don't really deserve it. Shhhh. Don't tell anyone.

During one exciting moment of the evening, I found myself in front of the standing room only crowd in my undies. Actually, in a tighter, briefier version of underwear than what I normally don, along with my Funniest Person... trophy around my neck as a Flav-style necklace. How this came to be is hard to explain here - I'll be happy to tell you more if you feel you must know - but it was funny. I don't anticipate it becoming a regular part of my act. So you can still come see me! I will try to post a picture (mercifully taken from afar) below, so you can have a sense of what we're dealing with here.

What a grand moment in my life and in the history of Memphis comedy.

12,000: Average or Above Average?

I'm reading a new book: The Average American: The extraordinary search for the nation's most ordinary citizen. (I'm pretty sure I got the title correct - It's kind of long.) Kevin O'Keefe is the author. I'm three chapters in and I like it a lot, so far. I think it's going to be a good one. I'll keep you posted.

Tomorrow night I hand over my tiara. 12-15 above average comedians will be competing for the coveted (by them, at least) title of "Funniest Person in Memphis," which I currently hold. It has been a magical year of funniestness and crowning a new champ will certainly be bittersweet. In answer to your question: No, I could not defend my title and repeat. It's a lot like Miss America that way, though I don't imagine the Miss America folks would be interested in the theory that these contests are similar in any way, whatsoever. In answer to your next question, I don't know if I can win again after taking a year off (a la Grover Cleveland, who was the 22nd and 24th President of the United States). I'll keep you posted.

We are almost at visitor 12,000. It has not been an easy road from 11,000 as I have been a bad blogger. Thanks for sticking with me and, as always, great prizes are promised to the lucky visitor, who can let me know his or her identity via the comment feature. Keep me posted.